SIOC's holiday presents for college hoop coaches

By Yoni Cohen

College basketball is under way. So is the Christmas shopping season. The two aren't related, but maybe they should be.

Gary Williams could use a sharpshooter like former Terp Juan Dixon to shore up his backcourt. AP

Duke, Memphis and UCLA all won "preseason" tournaments, but not before giving their fans a scare with poor perimeter defense and lackluster halves. They weren't alone. Across America, teams' flaws were on full display. In the interest of avoiding similarly erratic performances in January, I created a shopping lost for my favorite coaches. With a healthy assist from Santa's helpers, I completed my (hypothetical) holiday purchases faster than Kentucky dropped from the Top 25 after its loss to Gardner-Webb.

• For Maryland's Gary Williams, I purchased a Juan Dixon bobblehead. His Terrapins desperately need an outside shooter. Perhaps the gift will serve as a kind reminder of what once was and again could be.

Through seven games, Maryland has connected on an ACC-worst 28.2 percent of three point attempts. That's a far cry from last season's 38.5 percent clip, which led the league. In consecutive losses to UCLA and Missouri, Williams' crew missed their first 10 and 14 shots from behind the arc, respectively. Had Eric Hayes not converted a garbage time bomb with 28 seconds remaining against UCLA, the Terps' streak of at least one made three-pointer would have never have reached 291 games. Ditto Landon Milbourne's heave with 22 seconds left against Missouri.

• John Calipari and his Memphis Tigers will receive several video game consoles. Come January, the legitimate national title contender will need better competition than their schedule provides. Perhaps simulating challenging basketball games on the PlayStation 3, Xbox 360 and Wii will keep the Tigers motivated.

With heralded freshman Derrick Rose and prolific scorer Chris Douglas-Roberts filling up the stat sheet, the Tigers have so far been a cut above their major-conference competition. Come league play, they'll dominate Conference USA, which appears to be even worse than it was last season. After the New Year, the Tigers do play two ranked teams, Gonzaga and Tennessee. Neither, however, has impressed in the early going.

• For Indiana's Kelvin Sampson and Massachusetts' Travis Ford, I ordered similar merchandise. Both the Sooners and Minutemen are struggling on the glass, suggesting they'd profit from instructional videos on the fundamentals of rebounding.

After the last two seasons ranking as among the nation's 25 best clubs in offensive rebounding, UMass is this year among the 25 worst. This despite having five players 6-foot-7 or taller in its rotation. Thanks to D.J. White and the arrival of national junior college player of the year Jamarcus Ellis, Indiana isn't in nearly as bad a position. But the short Hoosiers already fare poorly when their rebounding numbers are compared to fellow Big Ten clubs, a problem that will only get worse once conference play begins.

Ford has been nice and will therefore receive a video I commissioned with the "Round Mound of Rebound," the gregarious Charles Barkley. Sampson, on the other hand, has been naughty, making improper calls to recruits -- college basketball's 1-900 equivalent. His video will come hand-delivered, by the man Santa demands he accept as his new assistant coach. Dennis Rodman, with Carmen Electra (back) in tow, will finally fulfill his dream, albeit not in the WNBA.

• What did I buy North Carolina's Roy Williams, the man who has everything? Not the gift of size, talent, experience, motivation or bench depth, all of which my pick for the national title has in abundance. Instead, I opted for a chemistry set. Neither sexy nor fun, it is sure would be useful for chemistry-less UNC. Whereas the Tar Heels' 2005 championship squad generated nearly 63 percent of their field goals from assists, this year's club checks in at the much more pedestrian 48 percent. Numbers aside, it was quite clear UNC wasn't in sync during near losses to Davidson and BYU.

• Finally, a few stocking stuffers. Clemson's Oliver Purnell will get earthquake insurance, in case his undefeated Tigers later this season suffer their annual collapse. St. Louis' Rick Majerus should enjoy a DVD copy of Bug, Ashley Judd's latest movie. He's professed to being a fan of her, ummm, body of work. Last but not least, Iowa's Todd Lickliter is sure to take advantage of a year's worth of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. If the Hawkeyes' past three games, losses to Bradley, Utah State, and ACC cellar-dweller Wake Forest, are any indication, he'll need all the sympathy food he can get.

Yoni Cohen writes about college basketball on his blog, http://www.yocohoops.com/