Campus Quick Slants
Comparing the BCS teams to professional wrestlers
Posted: Wednesday December 5, 2007 12:36PM; Updated: Wednesday December 5, 2007 12:36PM
It should come as no surprise that the BCS formula is derived less from the theories of Einstein and Pythagoras and more from the profound teachings of Vince McMahon.
It's true. Every year, we get so caught up worrying about complicated formulas and rankings that we fail to see the forest for the trees. Does the BCS have flaws? Of course. Does the BCS make any sense? Not really. Do people still watch? You bet.
Sounds just like professional wrestling. Ironically, the BCS operates in the same illogical fashion, knowing full well that people will always tune so long as intriguing storylines are played out on national television. Doesn't matter in the least if none of it adds up.
So if just for today, let's try on replica title belts, break out our big boots, and bodyslam our wrestling buddies ... all while matching this year's BCS teams to our favorite professional wrestlers.
OKLAHOMA -- Rowdy Roddy Piper
While the Sooners might be more noted for their speed on defense and a timely defeat of Missouri, their calling card has been team attitude; just like Piper, they've carried chips on their shoulders all season long. Seriously, they're always angry. And likewise, Oklahoma has traditionally shown the same propensity to disappear and reappear from generation to generation.
GEORGIA -- The Ultimate Warrior
Hulk Hogan once described The Ultimate Warrior as a "flat character." Is that not Georgia? Other than a wild touchdown celebration against Florida, the Dawgs have no real defining characteristics. Likewise, they continually fall short of being THE team to beat in college football, content on going 8-4, 9-3, or 10-2 every season.
HAWAII -- Papa Shango
Nobody knows a whole lot about Hawaii. The Warriors come from a faraway land. Their culture is different. Their style is exotic. Their accomplishments can't be translated. And they're downright mysterious to the Eastern Standard Time zone. Yet, they've still found a way to interfere with the BCS in the same way that Shango once stormed a title match between Hulk Hogan and Sid Justice.
WEST VIRGINIA - Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Likeable and gimmicky, yet grossly unaccomplished, the Mountaineers have garnered much fanfare despite no actual accolades throughout their history. None. In fact, you could argue that West Virginia peaked during a failed title bid in 1988, the same year Duggan topped out by winning a Royal Rumble.
OHIO STATE - Jake "The Snake" Roberts
Has there been a bigger snake in college football this season? Calmly ... quietly ... the Buckeyes have slithered their way to the top of the polls -- not once, but twice -- and have now unhinged their jaws and swallowed up a spot in the BCS Championship. The only thing missing from Jim Tressel's neck is Damien, Roberts' giant Burmese python.
LSU -- Ric Flair
Though lacking the platinum hair or "Nature Boy" moniker, LSU has been impossible to kill and college football's ultimate opportunist in 2007, using plenty of risky eye pokes and testicular claws to scrape its way back into contention.
USC -- The Undertaker
Though a model for consistency, both USC and the Undertaker took steps backward in 2007. The similarities are uncanny, as both were significantly hampered by injuries that cost each shots at their respective titles. Still, both are main-event worthy, strike the fear of God into hearts of opponents, and exude a spooky confidence when on the big stage.
ILLINOIS -- Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka
The Illini is tough to root against, as was Snuka when he first burst onto the professional wrestling scene with his high-flying arsenal of moves. And just as Snuka was crushed by The Undertaker at WrestleMania 7, Illinois will get destroyed by USC (remember, they're The Undertaker) in the 2008 Rose Bowl.
KANSAS - Doink the Clown
No matter how hard you tried to rationalize Doink as a legitimate wrestler, he was still a clown. It was impossible to see past that. (You couldn't even take some of his wins seriously ... like that time he attacked Crush with a prosthetic arm.) That's been the rub against Kansas this season as well. At the end of the day, the Jayhawks are completely untested and unaccomplished and have never been taken seriously. But they've certainly been amusing.
VIRGINIA TECH - Steve Blackman
Frankly, Virginia Tech is a bland team. There is no glitz or glamour -- the Hokies are just kind of there, miraculously third in the latest BCS rankings. But they are a smart team with sound fundamentals and wise tactics. And just like Blackman, no matter how much you try to talk up their plain attack, it's not exactly a ratings draw. Ho hum.
1 of 2