Where does your football coach rank on the SABAN scale?

By Ty Hildenbrandt

Ever since Nick Saban scorned the Miami Dolphins for Alabama in January, I've been toying with a gimmicky question: Is it possible to know the likelihood that your college coach will eventually bolt for greener pastures? This is the age of technology, people. Shouldn't we be able predict this sort of thing like the Weather Channel does precipitation?

How does a school predict whether its coach will bolt for a better opportunity at another school? The SABAN Scale. AP

I say yes. America, meet the SABAN Scale.

What is the SABAN Scale?

The SABAN Scale rates coaches in five key areas on a scale of zero-to-five (whole numbers only) and computes the probability that a head coach will leave a given college for another job at some point in the future. "SABAN" is a symbolic acronym for the factors that are taken into consideration.

What are the factors?

There are five mutually exclusive attributes derived from the life and times of Nick Saban that factor into this scale:

Shadiness -- How deceptive has your coach been when dealing with the media, team issues, or other head coaching vacancies? Slippery coaches tend to stray.

Ambition -- How driven is your coach to become the best in college football? Overly ambitious coaches sometimes become greedy for more power and prestige.

Boldness -- Does your coach have the fortitude to make brash decisions that seem selfish or short-sighted? This is essential to any coach and imperative to leaving a program without remorse.

Achievement - What has your coach won? A national championship? A conference title? Nothing at all? Accomplished coaches are always candidates for other prominent positions.

Nomadism --Does your coach have a track record for moving around with multiple head coaching stints? History tends to repeat itself.

How does it work?

The five factors (S-A-B-A-N) are added together and multiplied by four. Quite simply, the product of your calculations is the probability that a coach will vacate his position, better known as the "probability of vacation" or "POV." Given the lackluster mathematical skills of the scale's inventor (yours truly), only addition and basic multiplication are required.

Are any assumptions made?

Yes, the SABAN Scale takes for granted a "Saban Constant" of 100% POV in all Nick Saban head coaching ventures -- it is assumed that no other coach can ever achieve the Saban Constant. Additionally, the scale assumes no coach with less than 60% POV is willing to leave his position.

Is the SABAN Scale limited to college coaches?

No, the scale can also be used to determine whether a new girlfriend/boyfriend will eventually cheat on you, though it has yet to be approved by Dr. Neil Clark Warren. And other stuff, too. Since it's entirely subjective, you can tweak the system to determine POV for just about anything -- that is, as long as you establish a token "Nick Saban" beforehand.

What is the POV for some current coaches?

Well, I'm glad you asked. Here are a handful of examples ...

Bobby Petrino (Arkansas)

Shadiness: 5
Ambition: 4
Boldness: 5
Achievement: 3
Nomadism: 3
POV: 80%

Rich Rodriguez (Michigan)

Shadiness: 3
Ambition: 4
Boldness: 4
Achievement: 3
Nomadism: 2
POV: 64%

Joe Paterno (Penn State)

Shadiness: 1
Ambition: 1
Boldness: 1
Achievement: 5
Nomadism: 0
POV: 32%

Dennis Erickson (Arizona State)

Shadiness: 5
Ambition: 4
Boldness: 5
Achievement: 3
Nomadism: 5
POV: 88%

Jim Tressel (Ohio State)

Shadiness: 2
Ambition: 5
Boldness: 0
Achievement: 5
Nomadism: 1
POV: 52%

Pete Carroll (USC)

Shadiness: 1
Ambition: 4
Boldness: 2
Achievement: 5
Nomadism: 5
POV: 68%

THE ONLY PRESCRIPTION ... IS MORE GUS

The decision by CBS Sports to replace commentators Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery with James Brown and Len Elmore in the later rounds of this year's NCAA Basketball Tournament was a critical blunder that may have slowed the rotation of planet Earth with sudden onset boredom. But at least they're smart enough to admit it.

In what can only be seen as a victory for all mankind, Johnson has been reinstated in his previous capacity. Perhaps a year off from the Sweet 16 and Elite Eight has allowed Johnson to suck down some warm honey and heal his vocal cords for another Road to the Final Four.

Need a reason to love Gus? Witness Exhibit A.