Lingerie Bowl taking a year off, married men rejoice
Posted: Wednesday January 31, 2007 12:46PM; Updated: Wednesday January 31, 2007 12:46PM
I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that a spokesperson for Horizon Productions -- the company that produces the annual Lingerie Bowl -- told me that the event, which was originally scheduled to appear on pay-per-view this Sunday during the Super Bowl's halftime show, has been cancelled. The good news is that the Nationwide Insurance ad mocking Kevin Federline as a down-and-out fry cook has not been cancelled. Oh, and despite the one-year lingerie layoff, Lingerie Bowl V will be broadcast on cable next year.
Of course, it's not like I was really going to be able to watch Lingerie Bowl IV, anyway. Let's see: Jenna Jameson hosting an event where a couple dozen scantily clad models (is there any other way for models to be clad?) play lousy tackle football as if they're some much-better-looking version of the Detroit Lions. It's just not that easy to tell your wife you're going to spend $20 to watch this.
"But honey, where else will you be able to see the latest lingerie styles?" It's a good thing I have a whole year to work on my excuses.
Like we've been doing for the past few years, my wife and I are going to be watching the game at her sister's house with a couple dozen other married couples. Half the crowd watches the game while the other half stays in the next room eating crudités and chatting about childbirth, childcare, or Destiny's Child. Those folks are just waiting for the game to stop momentarily so they can watch the oh-so-famously entertaining commercials. Why people who have no interest in watching football are so keenly interested in watching a bunch of ads for beer, cars, and erectile dysfunction pills, I couldn't say. But what I do know for sure is that you can't walk into that gaggle with a proposal for anything involving phrases like "pay per view" and "lingerie bowl."
"But honey, it will help me decide what to get you for Valentine's Day." Hmmm, that one might have worked if it weren't an admission that I haven't started thinking about Valentine's Day until now.
That's why Janet Jackson's no-lingerie-at-all bowl a couple of years ago was so perfect. It was like a free (if very short) lingerie bowl that everybody could watch without getting in trouble for it later. In fact, we were pretty much required to watch it, watch it again (thank you, TiVo), and talk about it for days. After all, it wasn't some cheesy bit of overpriced soft-core porn -- it was news! And you can't get in trouble for keeping up with current events.
Of course, the Janet Bowl had its downside; it was weeks before I could go back to disliking Justin Timberlake. But grudging gratitude to a former boy-bander was a small price to pay compared with whatever bodily harm will be inflicted if I even hint at going to see Lingerie Bowl: The Movie. Yes, you read that correctly; the movie project was recently green-lighted by what the folks at Horizon describe as "a major studio." If I'm not careful, CBS's sideline reporter is going to be updating the fans on my groin injury.
"But honey, I'm only watching it for the articles." What, you don't think she'll believe me?
Alas, it looks like the most exciting thing any of us will see during halftime on Sunday is going to be that idiot who bought a 30-second spot to propose to his girlfriend. Of course, I shouldn't be mean to that guy; he managed to raise $2.6 million for the ad. I wouldn't have been able to raise the $20 it would've cost for pay-per-view underwear show if I'd written a hypothetical book about how I would have killed my ex-wife. Not that raising the money would be much real help. Horizon is also planning a Lingerie Football League reality show (hey, they're model-actresses), but even if it ends up on free network TV, suggesting that we tune in would get me in more trouble than that hit-and-run driver who was tracked down by Sgt. Shaq this weekend.
"But honey, as a journalist I'm interested to see Kato Kaelin's sideline reporting skills in action." See, I've got no chance.
If any of you somehow manage to sneak next year's Lingerie Bowl purchase past the Office of Management and Budget, you deserve congratulations. As for me, if I watch it at all it'll probably be from the same place I'll be sleeping later that night: the couch.
Adam Hofstetter's column appears every Tuesday on SI.com. Send him your comments or a Get Out Of Jail Free card at firstname.lastname@example.org.