Me? I'm going to tell you to pick one -- and only one -- ridiculous upset. Not because you'll be right; you won't be right. No, you do it because it gives you the opportunity to say either or both of the following two phrases: "They're a lot better than their No. 13 ranking would indicate" or "They match up well against [name of heavily favored opponent]." This will work every time because it makes you sound like you're intimately familiar with this unheard-of team, and nobody you say this to will know the very low seeds well enough to argue.

See, the only thing more fun than filling out the brackets is talking about them. And you have to sound convincing. For that very reason, always pick the school with "Tech" in its name, so that you can refer to the team only as "Tech." It shows that you know so much about the tourney that you're on an abbreviated-name basis with all the teams. Note: this also works for "State."

That said, avoid Long Beach State, Wright State, Jackson State, and Weber State. Those are not real states.

A&M stands for Agricultural and Mechanical. Now that you know, find a way to work it into conversation. Suddenly you're talking about the tournament without talking about actual basketball. And if you get stuck at any point in your tourney conversations, just blurt out a nonsense word. Preferably something polysyllabic, like, say, "thaoighaeior." Whoever you're talking to will just assume you said Villanova or Xavier or Gonzaga.

Also, "mid-major" is a handy euphemism for "team I've never heard of before." Throw it around like it's confetti.

OK, now for the team nicknames. Do not, under any circumstances, say things like, "What's a Hoya, anyway?" You can get away with knowing a lot less about basketball if you know a lot more about obscure, semi-ferocious animals. In fact, the more obscure the better. Anyone can say they picked Southern Illinois, but you'll sound much cooler saying you picked the Salukis.

Better still, study up on one random, little-known team. Ideally, you want one that's not playing until Friday, so you can squeeze one extra day out of your suddenly endless knowledge of the Old Dominion Monarchs or the Belmont Bruins. And speaking of Bruins, it helps to pick teams that share nicknames with other teams in the tournament. Tell people you picked the Blue Devils, and they'll have no idea whether you're talking about Duke or Central Connecticut State. Either way, though, you'll have to find another shared nickname before the third round. (Sorry, Dukies.)

Central Connecticut (you know them as "State") reminds me of another tip: avoid teams that give you directions. Eastern Kentucky, North Texas...the top basketball teams don't need to tell you what part of the state they're in. Just make sure you don't get confused and include North Carolina in this group.

If you get stuck watching an actual game, don't panic. Two simple phrases will get you through undetected. First, you're going to say, "This team is a real Cinderella story." It doesn't matter which team you pick; they're all Cinderella stories. At halftime, that's when you're really going to close the deal. About whichever team is losing, you're going to say, "They're going to have to shoot their way back into this game."

And finally, don't even bother trying to pronounce it: just call him "Coach K."

Adam Hofstetter's column appears every Tuesday on SI.com. Tell him he doesn't know what he's talking about at ahofstetter@gmail.com.