Uneducated fan's guide to surviving March Madness

	Long Beach State celebrated the news that it got an NCAA bid, but logic says you shouldn't pick them to win their first-round game. Reuben Canales/WireImage.com

Don't know as much as you'd like to about college basketball? Don't feel bad -- neither does the NCAA selection committee. But if you want to fit in, you're going to have to pretend you know what you're talking about for the next few weeks. That's where I come in.

Follow these simple tips and you'll be able to fake your way through the Madness even better than you faked your way through college.

As a warm-up, spend the rest of today bitching about how stupid it is to have a play-in game. You don't have to know what that is -- you just need to know that nobody likes it. But by Wednesday, we'll have forgotten all about it until it's time to start complaining about it again next year.

OK, now on to your bracket picks. The first thing you want to do is to buy three brackets instead of one, and fill out all three differently. I don't care if each bracket costs $10,000; multiple brackets are the official sign of the die-hard.

Some match-ups are tougher to pick than others. When in doubt, go with the school whose name is also its location. For example, pick Arizona over Purdue. That way you'll never be caught not knowing where the school is. For this same reason, never, ever pick Miami, Ohio.

Generally speaking, write-in votes are a bad idea.

Now, some people will tell you to pick BYU, Oral Roberts, and Holy Cross all to advance to the Sweet 16. Why? Well, you know how a lot of teams gather together to pray before every game? One of these days it's going to work, so you might as well cash in. Hey, gambling can't be wrong when you put your money on God. Besides, if these teams actually win then at least the players thanking God in the postgame press conference will actually mean it.

Other people will tell you to pick all four No. 16 seeds to win in the first round. A 16 seed is bound to win someday, so you may as well be there to brag about having predicted it when it finally happens. You're not in this to win, you're in it to show off the knowledge you don't actually have.