Aaron, Selig better off not showing up for No. 756

Baseball -- well, sport -- has never before had such a tricky problem of etiquette. Where is Emily Post when we need her? Calling Miss Manners. Just how are we supposed to behave when Barry Bonds breaks Henry Aaron's record?

The issue is particularly sensitive for Messrs. Aaron; Bud Selig, Commissioner of Baseball; and Donald Fehr, Esquire, head of the players' union. When His Bigheaded Excellency, Mr. Bonds, ties the career home run record at 755, should the aforementioned principals give up their lives and start to travel with the San Francisco Giants so that they might be in attendance, to hold their noses and congratulate Mr. Bonds when he slugs No. 756?

Aaron has already declared that he has other fish to fry on that particular occasion. Sorry, can't make it. Or as we say in baseball: He'll take a raincheck. But what of the owners' boss and the union boss? Well, yours truly is going to make it easy for them. I'm going to invite them both to a party, so they can send Bighead their regrets and say they'd really like to come, they really would, but they're already otherwise occupied.

Herewith is how I get the dignitaries off the hook:

Furthermore, I would propose that the way for all you fans everywhere to handle the delicate situation is for you too to throw a party at the time when Bonds is about to break the record. But listen now -- not a party to celebrate the tainted feat, but a party to divert ourselves, to salute something else in life, anything -- just something that is joyous. Whatever makes you happy. Whatever makes you laugh. Whatever makes you smile. Every party will be BYOJ -- Bring Your Own Joy. Laugh, drink, dance and make merry.

Bonds is proof that more is not always better. Bonds is to baseball what global warming is to climate. Never mind that he so universally suspected of cheating with drugs of some nature and may very well be indicted, he is just so terribly surly and disagreeable. He makes Ty Cobb seem like Little Miss Mary Sunshine. So we will simply close our eyes when he takes the record away from the admirable and esteemed Mr. Aaron and celebrate other, finer things that make us happy.

Come to my party, Mr. Selig. Hey, Commish, have another mojito. And you, Counselor Fehr, put on that lampshade again and do another break dance.

Then, when our festive carnival, our summer bacchanalia is over, I suggest we all do one other thing: start rooting for Alex Rodriguez to hit more home runs. He's only 31 years old now and already has almost 500. With luck, A-Rod can eclipse Bonds' record sometime during the second administration of Barack Obama. If you can't stand the Yankees, OK, just hope for A-Rod to hit home runs in lost causes.

In the meantime, make those party plans now so we can ignore Bonds' record. After all, remember what your mother told you: If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all.