Tips for playing hooky to watch Champions League

DaMarcus Beasley is one of two U.S. players in the Champions League; he's more likely to play than the other, Benfica's Freddy Adu. AP

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Trying to explain the Champions League to your typical cheesesteak-loving, MGD-swilling American sports fan is like trying to explain the infield fly rule to a Prussian aristocrat. Something gets lost in translation.

First, you have to explain domestic leagues versus national teams. Then there's the fact that not all the teams are, in fact, champions. Then there's the foreignness of round-robin groups, the pre-qualifying rounds, trying to pronounce Fenerbahçe (fenn-air-BAH-cheh) and the Euro tabloid media's penchant for dissecting and hyping the smallest thing: SCHMONINHO HAS A BROKEN FINGERNAIL!!!

Plus, let's be honest, the 2:45 p.m. EDT kickoff time (yes, that means they kick off at 9:45 p.m. in Istanbul) doesn't mesh very well with such things as, say, work.

But once you get past all of that, it's simple: The Champions League, which kicks off this week, is a tournament featuring the best of the best. Even Jim Rome could appreciate that. (Maybe.)

The only hard part, then, is figuring out how to play hooky for a few hours on Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon without arousing suspicion in the office of either insubordination or idiocy. Here are a few suggestions that might help.

1. Be honest. I've found this route never works, but maybe you're a better truth-teller than I am. I'd try to explain the importance of a good start. This week marks the beginning of everything, especially for the 10 teams that have a legitimate chance to win the trophy. Giants like Manchester United, Real Madrid and defending champs AC Milan have the talent and rich reserves necessary to carry them through to the end, whereas the minnows like Slavia Prague and Olympiakos know that this week marks the beginning of the end.

2. Play the underdog card. Everyone is a softy for the little guy, even bosses who are no longer the little guy. Otherwise, how was Rudy ever made? The minnows make the Champions League universally fun, like the NCAA basketball tournament. Who knows, Olympiakos might be the Richmond Spiders of this year's Champions League. (Being a fan of Olympiakos' Greek archrivals, Panathinaikos, I have to hope and pray and sacrifice a lamb that this won't be the case.)

3. Play the family heritage card. This being the world's melting pot for PC liberalism, family heritage trumps current citizenship. To that end, tell your boss that your father is Greek and for the sake of good family relations you must watch the Olympiakos-Lazio match. This will work on Tuesday. On Wednesday, you'll have to explain that your mother is Russian and that if you don't see the PSV Eindhoven-CSKA Moscow match, you run the risk of breaking her heart.

4. Play the patriotism card. There are two Americans playing in the Champions League this year. DaMarcus Beasley of Glasgow Rangers has already seen Champions League action during the qualifying. His side is in the very tough Group E, which includes Barcelona, Stuttgart and Lyon. Rangers takes on Stuttgart on Wednesday, and it wouldn't surprise me if Beasley plays. His game is much more suited to European football than the WWE style they play in Scotland.

The other American is Freddy Adu. His club, Benfica, faces trophy-holders AC Milan on Tuesday. He hasn't seen any time yet for his new club since it got a new coach, José Antonio Camacho, and I wouldn't expect that to change anytime soon. But you never know.

5. Just disappear for a while. This is a risky one, but it can work sometimes. No one is at his/her desk from 9-5 straight. You might have copies to make or a water cooler to visit or an "issue" to attend to. Just be sure that when you return, the Dynamo Kiev scarf is not still tied around your head.

6. Schedule "client meetings." Once you realize that honesty and card-playing never, ever sway a boss -- he or she is the boss for a reason -- you have to turn to more nefarious tactics. In short, use the system. It really doesn't matter what you do (corporate lawyer, rocket scientist, Secretary of the Interior), there is always a client in need of a meeting (corrupt CEO, troubled astronaut, Yogi the Bear). I've always found that 2:45 to 4:45 is a prime client-meeting time, especially if the client is either not invited to the meeting or, even better, if the client is a Madrileño and you two can watch the Real Madrid-Werder Bremen match together.

7. Invite your boss. When all else fails, you have to get drastic. Look, we all know bosses are hard-asses. That's their job. Sometimes, it seems that's their only job. But they're allegedly people, too. And because bosses, by nature, need to be ambitious to reach the level of boss, they are most likely competitive and would, therefore, enjoy observing a competitive match of some kind.

Plus, bosses trust fellow bosses that much more, so your boss will have a much easier time telling his boss that both of you have a client meeting from 2:45 to 4:45. And when your boss starts buying rounds for all the Liverpool supporters at the 11th Street Bar in New York City and you both show up back at the office singing You'll Never Walk Alone at the top of your lungs, you're covered.