NFL players and rebellious teens have much common

Embarrassed by Tank Johnson's inability to keep his nose clean, the Bears finally exorcised him from their ranks. Don Lansu/WireImage

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Last week's hidebound tract about the NFL's ongoing crime wave drew the following e-pistle from reader Dave Snow of Phoenix, Ariz, who happens to be the owner of the Arizona Snowmen fantasy football team:

Fellow Owners:

I suggest changing the scoring categories in our Fantasy League to more accurately reflect the current state of the game. Scoring will be determined by searching entries in online Police blotters every Monday morning during the season. Points to be awarded based on the following charges...er... criteria:

"Bear Hug": Assault by means that likely produces great bodily injury - 1 point

"No Place Like Holmes": Domestic violence and simple assault. - 2 pts

"Henry the 3rd": DUI+Drug Possession+Carrying Concealed Weapon - 3 pts

"Reuben to go": Throwing wife out of the house (literally) - 4 pts

"Smoot Question" aka ("You say Smoot, I say Smut"): Using a sex toy in front of the crew of a dinner cruise boat - 5 pts

"DOH!": Swinging at a man but hitting a woman instead when the man ducks - 6 pts

"Fleiss": Running a prostitution ring in Las Vegas. - 7 pts

Yes, these are all real charges against NFL players in the last year. The hell with LT, I'm drafting Pacman.

Any league that implements Mr. Snow's scoring system need not fear a wave of stultifying 0-0 contests. In the stern face of the NFL's new get-tough policy, the merry mayhem is continuing apace. In the past week, Fred Evans of the Dolphins was reportedly subdued by police with a Taser gun and slapped with charges of battery on a law enforcement officer, disorderly conduct, resisting with violence and trespassing after he failed to exit a Miami Beach taxi in a timely and respectful fashion. Even retired punter Rick Tuten got in on the fun by getting pinched in Ocala, Fla. for dealing in stolen property. But in spite of the ever-grim news, the NFL is starting to do what it should have been doing all along: tossing the bums out of the house.

Commissioner Goodell spoke to the NFL's incoming kiddie class this week in Palm Beach Gardens, Fla. as part of the league's annual rookie seminar, and while he addressed the vital importance of being great men as well as great players, I feel pretty darn sure that his lofty rhetoric and well-meaning speech went in more than a few ears (provided they weren't blocked by iPod buds) and out the other side.

How do I know? I'm the parent of two recalcitrant, rebellious teens. NFL players aren't all that different. They want what they want when they want it, with little or no thought about the consequences of their actions. Tomorrow's grounding, suspension, or stretch in the pokey is a total abstract when the object or activity of one's desire is at hand. Raised in a privileged world of fawning fans, coaches, recruiters and agents, the rules bent or broken for them at every turn, elite athletes are inclined to feel pretty darned invincible once they succeed in beating the long odds of reaching the NFL, especially when they end up with lots of free time and a bottomless pocket full of long green. So who the hell is Officer Kupcake or Roger Goodell to tell them what to do?

All the pontificating and stringent rules in this or any other world won't stop teens or immature pro athletes from running afoul of parents, commissioners or cops. Short of implementing the Codes of Islamic Law, the best you can do is take away something they love, as the Bears did this week with Tank Johnson, and hope the true meaning of "Knowledge is knowing that fire can burn, wisdom is remembering the blister" eventually penetrates the concrete of their skulls However, Johnson will probably get another chance with another team, which won't help potential miscreants think twice before they start shooting up your friendly local strip joint, but it will keep Mr. Snow's Fantasy League humming.