Fading Brazilian stars can't seem to go away quietly

	Three-time FIFA World Player of the Year Ronaldo had been relegated to the bench at Real Madrid. But he'll likely resurface at AC Milan. Denis Doyle/Getty Images
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"Ted, while I agree that in time, our band will be most triumphant, the truth is Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar."
-- Bill S. Preston, Esq., Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Need to lend some instant credibility to your flailing soccer team? Easy. Go find an Eddie Van Halen. Even if you know zip about soccer (and judging by some of the recent moves some club executives have made lately, you're not the only one), you know there's one place on earth where Eddie Van Halens seem to grow on trees: Brazil.

When it comes to raw skill, artistry, speed, deception and startling bursts of power -- all the attributes you need to become a successful goal scorer -- there is no country on earth that produces more top-level strikers than Brazil.

Pelé, the greatest player of all time, is still the biggest legend of the Beautiful Game, so much so that his personal list of the 125 greatest living soccer players of all time is as trusted a reference guide as Encyclopedia Britannica. His Web site is an unofficial news source for Brazilian soccer.

Millions upon millions are spent on Brazilian strikers. To wit: Soon after Brazil's 2002 World Cup triumph, Real Madrid bought Ronaldo for $50 million; between salary and endorsements in '06, Ronaldinho brought in the biggest one-year haul in soccer history by a guy not named Beckham, earning nearly $30 million. These guys become so famous, their last names are unnecessary.

It's no surprise then, that they also develop some of the biggest egos in the game. And when it comes to relinquishing the spotlight in the latter stages of their careers, well, they're about as successful at it as a certain rock legend is. Three of the biggest names in recent Brazilian soccer history have been stealing the headlines lately, and they're doing awfully good Van Halen impressions.

Take Ronaldo, for example. As of Monday, AC Milan is still working on signing the man once known as "The Phenomenon," rescuing him from purgatory at Real Madrid. Ronaldo is simply the highest-scoring player in World Cup history and a three-time winner of FIFA's World Player of the Year award. With such success over a 14-year career, and after becoming an odd man out at Real, Ronaldo still feels he has something to prove at age 30.

In reality, Ronaldo is about as far from his peak as David Lee Roth is. Most of the press he has received in the last year has been directed at his ample gut. When Ronaldo took the field in Brazil's World Cup opener against Croatia last summer, it was clear he had perhaps spent a little too much time in his homeland's countless pay-by-weight buffet restaurants.

When Brazil flamed out against eventual finalist France in the quarterfinals, Ronaldo was shouldered with much of the blame as the embodiment of the over-privileged, undisciplined Brazilian team.

Now he's about to become the marquee signing at AC Milan, which, much like the Brazilian national team, is a powerhouse desperately trying to reclaim its old glory. This makes about as much sense as when Van Halen hired former Extreme lead singer Gary Cherone to fill Sammy Hagar's shoes.

Milan has not only been hit with an eight-point penalty in the wake of Italy's match-fixing scandal, but it's also currently plagued by injuries and quickly aging lineup. Now it's about to add an oft-hurt and overweight star in decline in the hopes that he'll help it get the team back on the right track.