Take It To The ATM

On more than one level, Don Nelson is about to smoke a Cuban... Though he was just cut by the Jags, punter Chris Hanson will heed his former coach's lesson and keep chopping wood somewhere in the vast NFL wilderness... Barring injury, rookie halfbacks Adrian Peterson and Marshawn Lynch will both make the 2008 Pro Bowl.

Lies, Lies, Lies

1) In the wake of Michael Vick's legal troubles, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell decreed that the dudes in the QB's posse are no longer allowed to address him as "Dawg."

2) Dwayne Jarrett's best season in the NFL will be better than Keyshawn Johnson's worst year.

3) If an NFL team doesn't pick an available player that most mock drafts had it picking, then the people in its war room are idiots.

Let's Do Some Don Julio Silver Shots For

David Halberstam, whose death last week in a car accident in Menlo Park, Calif., robbed the world of a gutsy and talented journalist with enviable writing skills. I never had the honor of meeting the man, but I'm fairly certain he'd approve of the toast.

Oxygen-Deprived Thought From Above

Hey ESPN, CNN et al -- I'm down with the scrawl when it comes to everything except death and serious injury; that kind of news doesn't belong there, and it's insensitive to those of us who may know the person in question. Seriously. You could be in a bar and see something like, "Titans tight end Donkey Kong Smith ... " and after the ellipses might come anything from "questionable for Sunday's game with a high ankle sprain" to "killed in a one-car collision in downtown Nashville." In the latter scenario, have some sensitivity and let the anchors deliver news of that gravity.

This Week's Proof That The University Of California Is The Center Of The Universe

First we congratulate our friend Erik Robertson, the tattoo-laden former Golden Bears guard who signed a free-agent contract with the Chargers. That ERob will remain in blue and gold was great news for his fiancée, tattoo-laden former Cal pitching All-American Kristina Thorson, whose successors, Lauren Frankiewicz and Marissa Drewrey, rallied to lead the struggling softball Bears to a weekend sweep of then-seventh-ranked Arizona State, keeping their postseason hopes alive. Meanwhile, Cal's top-ranked rugby team competes in the Final Four at Stanford this weekend -- it faces Navy in Friday's semifinal matchup, with the winner facing the BYU-Penn State victor on Saturday -- as coach Jack Clark attempts to lead the Bears to their 19th national championship in his 24 years at the school.

Trippin' On E(Mail)

"Yup. Your UMD v 3.0 is sure getting mocked. Mocking a mock draft. That's like the one-armed man clapping for the one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. What other fake things are you getting flak for?"
-- The Grammar Hammer from Oxnard, Calif.

My smile, after reading this e-mail? I hope not, because it's very real.

"Way to go, Silver. Thanks for making it more likely that Vince Young will get hurt this year. With your sarcastic comment in last week's 'Lies, lies, lies' section, Vince Young will probably suffer a devastating injury. Regarding your Ultimate Mock Draft, I think it's pretty stupid, but at least you aren't the same as the other lame sportswriters and hacks who don't know a damn thing about what's going to occur (on draft) weekend. Why anyone would take that much time to predict which players will go first, 10th and 237th is beyond my knowledge. But even though I'm sort of complimenting you in this e-mail, don't let your head swell more than it already is swollen. You have an oversized ego difficult to contend with. Yes, you write well. Yes, you can, at times, capture an audience. At other times, however, you suck. You're no better than the inconsistent quarterbacks you write articles about. Keep up the good work, and drop the crappy work to a minimum."
-- Michael Ronson from Austin, Texas

Whoa, now I'm the one cursing Vince Young? The Bring On The Weekend Curse? Wow -- my head is really starting to swell. Be realistic: If I truly were capable of cursing someone, your neighbor Mack Brown would go 0-12 every year.

"Enjoyed your column as usual, don't always agree with you (who does?) but it always makes for a far more interesting read than a lot of the stuff you find nowadays. Now onto my point, before this $100k fine I'd never heard of vitaminwater, I'm pretty sure they've got a whole helluva lot more publicity since Brian Urlacher got fined than they got just for him wearing the hat in the first place. Does this not get taken into account when they hand out fines or what?"
-- Chris Hawkins from Liverpool, U.K.

I couldn't tell you, but I look forward to doing some research as I sip the latest vitaminwater flavor, "Roger That."

"Michael, though I rarely agree with your point of view on life, I absolutely admire how you handle everybody telling you that you're a moron (in much harsher ways). If people were like you we might all get along -- but then your articles wouldn't be so entertaining...keep up the good words."
-- Jake Frank from Laurel, Mont.

Thanks. I always suspected I would find my niche, and so I have: No one handles being called a moron quite like I do.