Posted: Friday February 23, 2007 11:40AM; Updated: Friday February 23, 2007 11:40AM
The entertainment world is buzzing about Sunday's 79th Annual Academy Awards. But frankly, the 10 Spot is so busy watching sports in order to bring you four hard-hitting columns a week that we don't get to the movies very often. Thus, we've had to imagine the plots to some of this year's nominated films. Here's what we see in our athletics-addled mind's eye:
The Queen: A basketball player (Tim Hardaway) recoils in horror when he discovers that his trusted teammate by day is a transvestite by night. Moviegoers will be buzzing about the most dramatic revelation scene since The Crying Game.
Notes on a Scandal: The engrossing police report about a triple shooting at a Las Vegas strip club during NBA All-Star Weekend. Includes a star-studded cast (Adam "Pacman" Jones, Nelly, Jermaine Dupri). Considered a lock to win Best Visual Effects, for when Pacman showers the strippers' stage with $81,020 in singles to "make it rain."
An Inconvenient Truth: Nobody believes a star baseball captain (Derek Jeter) when he claims not to despise his talented but thin-skinned teammate (Alex Rodriguez), failing to support him to the detriment of the team.
Babel: An excitable hoops announcer (Dick Vitale) utters an indecipherable torrent of verbiage, though one can make out the occasional Duke reference. Subtitled for the hearing-impaired, which you'll be by the end.
Blood Diamond: The brutal mayhem that unfolds on a baseball field when a caustic but chronically absent sportswriter (Jay Mariotti) finally shows up to confront a crazed manager (Ozzie Guillen).
The Departed: Two college freshmen (Greg Oden and Kevin Durant) take off for the real world. Opens in six weeks -- or sooner.
Happy Feet: A shaky quarterback (Rex Grossman) literally stumbles on his sport's biggest stage, throwing the ball up for grabs when he isn't tripping over his own feet. Bears fans only wish he was animated; no, he's all too real.
Apocalypto: A chilling account of the Chargers' offseason. Not for the faint of heart. Told in the same dead language that Marty Schottenheimer and A.J. Smith used to communicate.
Click: A riveting thriller about an NHL fan trying to find a hockey game on TV. Small-budget independent film is a hit in Canada.
Two Hands: A drama about a ham-fisted wide receiver (Terrell Owens) learning how to catch a football. Rumors are flying that the star feuded with his director, but what else is new.
Deliver Us From Evil: Come along on a suspenseful ride as MLB executives hope for an indictment, an injury or an inkling of shame -- anything that will convince Barry Bonds to quit before he breaks Hank Aaron's home run record.
No Time For Nuts: In a charming if naive fantasy, a pro football team (the Bengals) installs a new player personnel policy.
The Good German: An NBA team nearly wins it all behind its Teutonic terror (Dirk Nowitzki). A remake that's much better than the original, which starred Uwe Blab.
After The Wedding: Pop psychologists debate the societal cost of golden-boy quarterbacks (Tom Brady, Matt Leinart, etc.) having kids out of wedlock.
Flags of Our Fathers: A touching film about how tough it is to grow up as the offspring of NFL officials. Kids can be cruel, especially when your dad calls pass interference on the local team in the big game.