Posted: Friday March 9, 2007 10:28AM; Updated: Sunday March 11, 2007 3:40PM
Ted Saskin, the head of the NHL Players Association, is in hot water with his membership over allegations that he read private player e-mails. At the 10 Spot, of course, we don't condone such behavior. Still, here's what we're likely missing by not being able to read the e-mails of other sports figures:
To: Alyssa Milano
Why are we fooling ourselves any longer? By now I've been linked to almost every Hollywood starlet while you've dated pretty much every ballplayer, even that worthless bum Carl Pavano. It's only a matter of time before Page Six claims we're together anyway. Why not make it happen for real? But first, I have to know that nothing's ever happened between you and A-Rod.
To: Jim Nantz
Jimbo, I'm still working on which mid-major school I'm going to ridicule this year for getting an at-large bid. What about this Butler team? I've never heard of them, but somebody told me they might get in even after they lost their conference to someone called Wright State. That's lunacy! OK, so maybe Butler beat Indiana, Purdue, Notre Dame and Tennessee. Big deal! It's not like those were conference games, which is when the big boys actually try! You're with me, right?
To: Scooter Libby
I got your question about how to survive in the big house without becoming someone's "special friend." Personally, it helped that I was once the Baddest Man on the Planet. That might not work for you considering that you're spindly, middle-aged and not very scary-looking. But hey, good luck. After some of my recent fights, I understand what it's like to be the fall guy. Give me a call when you get out and we can fly my pigeons. P.S. Bring liquid soap.
My good friend, spring training is going quite well. As you predicted, the Americans seem to buy anything we "mysterious Far Easterners" tell them. Many still believe that I can throw that pitch we made up while drinking sake one night. The "gyroball" -- even the name makes me smile. When my translator read to me that that some players from the local fish-named-team (the Carp? no, I think it was Marlins) were insisting in the paper that I threw the gyroball, I nearly spit out my sushi laughing. I think that next I will tell the media that I throw 225 pitches every day to keep my arm loose.
To: Babies R Us
Please double my order of last week. That's right -- two strollers, two cribs, two playpens, two of everything. But now I have a second shipping address to go along with the Hollywood one, this time in Brazil. P.S. Is there any volume discount?
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