Posted: Friday April 20, 2007 11:20AM; Updated: Friday April 20, 2007 11:20AM
It's time once again to sneak a peek at e-mails to and from sports figures. OK, these aren't actual intercepted messages; we're not running the NHL players union, people. But here's what we imagine that we're missing:
To: Sanjaya Malakar
You may not know me -- oh, who am I kidding, everyone knows A-Rod! -- but I wanted to let you know I'm behind you. Not long ago, I was just like you. That's right, a national punchline. The haters loved to boo me, or ridicule my playoff performance, or call me "fake." It didn't matter that I'm a two-time MVP on my way to one of the greatest careers in baseball history. (Here's a link to my stats if you haven't seen them.) But was that enough for some people? No! I bet even Simon and that little weasel Ryan were making fun of me. Just look at me now, though. We've only played 14 games and I already have 10 home runs and 26 RBIs, including two walk-off shots. (Think of a walk-off shot as getting to sing and then just leaving the stage to an ovation without having to listen to the judges. Awesome, right?) So anyway, just hang in there for the Idol tour and beyond. You too can turn that frown into a smile. But dude, you've got to chill with the hair.
To: Joey Crawford
Who's laughing now, huh Joey? I told you not to mess with me. David Stern and the rest of the world think I'm a 7-foot saint. Who did you think they were going to believe, me or some old guy who looks like Uncle Fester? Still, even I find it amazing that they bought the part about you challenging me to a fight. It'll be our little secret! Well, I hope you enjoy the playoffs from your TV set, LOL!
To: Vince Young
Vince, I'm not sure what they're paying you to be on the cover of the Madden video game, but it's not enough. (Though I hope you held out for nearly as much as L.T. wanted.) I know you don't believe in curses, but neither did I. I read where you said: "I'm a man of God, so if it's my time to get hurt, it's my time to get hurt." Well, not even the Big Fella can protect you from the Madden Curse. I tore my hamstring when I was on the cover, and I'm God's Linebacker, for heaven's sake. Anyway, I'll be praying for you.
To: Donna Bragg
Just wanted to say hey. I haven't written in four minutes; what's up since then? Sorry about the e-mail rather than a text; it turns out that fans can get the records to my school-bought cell phone. Those no-good hooligans can't seem to understand why a very busy grown man might have a legitimate reason to send more than 1,000 text messages to a pretty TV anchor in a six-week period. What's not to get? Wait a second; I just realized that I'm using my school-issued e-mail address and a UA computer. Oops! How about you go outside and look for a smoke signal? Two puffs will mean a smiley face. Take care until we speak again in seven minutes!
To: The Mets
Seriously, how have you guys not thrown a no-hitter yet? You've played 7,164 games going in 46 seasons. You've been around almost as long as El Duque! Come on, it's really not that hard. All you need to do is throw nine lousy innings without allowing a hit. Please, the likes of Kent Mercker, Tommy Greene and Bud Smith have done it. (No, really, some guy named Bud Smith threw a no-hitter like five years ago.) Heck, I've done it and people still can't spell my last name. Anyway, good luck.
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