School for The Uncool
Posted: Wednesday September 12, 2007 11:15AM; Updated: Wednesday September 12, 2007 11:30AM
Hey, dude, haven't had a date since the Fig Festival 12 years ago? Are you about as cool as a Bob Dole bumper sticker? Do girls walk by you like you're running a seminar on jock itch?
Buddy, your worries are over. Tom Brady, coolest man on the planet, has volunteered to be your new cool coach.
You know Tom Brady, right? Three-time Super Bowl-winning quarterback of the New England Patriots? Esquire's Best Dressed Man in the World in 2007? Boyfriend of $33 million-a-year Brazilian supermodel Gisele BŁndchen, whom Rolling Stone called "the most beautiful girl in the world"? Former sweetheart of meltingly hot Hollywood starlet Bridget Moynahan?
"You want me to help guys be cool?" Brady asks, after I tell him the deal. "Why me? I was the little sports nerd in high school who hardly ever had a girlfriend!"
The guy must have no mirrors in the house.
Six-four with a chin you can crack coconuts on. Eyes greener than the 13th at Augusta. And one of those oh-darn-I-forgot-to-shave-and-now-I-look-like-a-cologne-ad beards. But it's not his heroic arm or his lifeguard body or his Crest smile that makes women smooth their skirts and men curse their parents. It's that he seems to see himself as a tall Milhouse.
"I get so embarrassed having everybody looking at me," he says. "I just want to stop and go, 'What are you staring at?' "
"I mean, I'm just walking out the door, you know? And people follow me! I have to disguise myself now. I never go out without a hoodie on. My head is always down! I never make eye contact anymore! It's like I'm not even myself!"
True to yourself . Check.
The one person Brady has always wanted to meet is Tiger Woods, but he's never had the nerve to introduce himself, even after he was in Woods's gallery recently outside Boston.
Shy is cool. Check.
His rival for top QB in the league, Peyton Manning, has done every commercial short of adult diapers, but Brady has done almost zero, even though, with his looks and charm and game, he could sell pogo sticks to seniors.
"You realize you're turning down a lot of dough, yeah, but it's just not me. I'm just not going to go out and do a Chunky Soup ad.... Like that [MasterCard] ad Peyton did about, 'Cut that meat! Cut that meat!' -- our D-line yelled that every time he came up to the line. 'Cut that meat!' Man, I'm so glad I didn't do that one."
Ask him: What about a bar in Hollywood? Or a restaurant in SoHo? It would be the hottest joint since Bachelors III! He looks at you like you're from Pluto. "You mean, like Namath's? Oh, man, my mom loved Joe Namath. But I don't think I could pull off something like that."
Modesty . Check.
See, Brady is Namath with a milk mustache. Mothers want him for supper and daughters for everything after. O.K., you might say, but how cool is it to get one woman pregnant (Moynahan) and be dating another (BŁndchen)? Well, a) Brady says he didn't know Moynahan was pregnant until after they'd broken up, and b) Brady is aching to be a full-time dad. He was there three weeks ago for the birth of John Edward Thomas Moynahan.
"I kind of cuddled him like a football," Brady says, adding that it's killing him that he can't be in Los Angeles for every sneeze. "I'd love to be out there all the time, year-round, but it's hard to make that a reality. I live here. But I'll start lobbying for off days throughout the year."
Personal responsibility. Check.
O.K., but how about a few secrets? How do we get that Clooney stubble?
"This?" he says, rubbing his cheeks. "I just hate to shave."
Dates? "Whatever you do, keep 'em short. You can't let them know you're that interested. I try to get this across to my best friend. He's really into this girl, but I keep telling him she's got to leave that date thinking, What's wrong with me?"
Machiavellian mind games. Check.
Music back at the crib? "Definitely not Metallica. And no girl music, like Madonna. Something in between. John Legend always works for me."
And that's when he had to go. So that's all I've got. But if you're not dating at least one supermodel within six weeks, I'll double your money back.
"This is never going to work," Brady said as he was leaving.
Firm grasp on reality. Check.