Advice for naming your bracket; Praising the Boss Button

By Ty Hildenbrandt

The beauty of online bracket pools is branding your entry with a clever little moniker. This has become almost as important as the picks themselves, if only because a carefully-conceived, delightfully-cheesy name can be easily twisted into a joke once things start going awry. For example, my transition last year from a Florida-minded "Noah's Ark" bracket to an upset-starved "Sinking Like Lead" debacle was almost effortless!

What do Elliot Spitzer and Derrick Rose have in common? They both make great subjects when naming your bracket. AP; Bob Rosato/SI

That said, you can tell a lot about a person from the name they assign their entry. And with the rest of the world clamoring over sleeper picks and other assorted bracket tips, here are a handful of the popular entry names you're bound to see over the next few weeks, and more importantly, what they say about your competition:

Client No. 9

This person is edgy, risky and willing to pay good money to enter a pool, knowing full well that such conduct is technically illegal and that, somehow, they'll end up getting screwed by a previously-anonymous Cinderella team ... ultimately leading to their demise.

Kiss from a Rose

Vegas would put even odds on this person picking Memphis to go deep in the tournament or being a closet Derrick Rose fanatic. Either way, this competitor's bracket, like the confusing lyrics by Seal, is bound to be half-serious and half-Britney-Spears-crazy. Don't be surprised to see this person pick a questionable Final Four of Memphis, UCLA, St. Joe's and Siena.

Don't tase me, (Hans)bro

There is a 100-percent chance this person put way too much thought into his or her entry name. Likewise, this competitor over-analyzed the brackets, second-guessed every selection, and wound up picking a slew of upsets that will never happen. (Coincidentally, this is my entry's name. Hmmm ...)

Sheet of Integrity

This person lacks all creativity and is one of approximately 5,000,000 to name his or her bracket after the popular contest on ESPN Radio's Mike and Mike in the Morning. Additionally, he or she lacks the imagination to pick all 63 games without "expert" advice, and consequently, should never be your partner in Pictionary. This opponent is a follower expect a Final Four consisting of all No. 1 seeds OR every hot-handed team in the tournament (i.e. -- North Carolina, Clemson, Pittsburgh, UCLA).

Smith Entry 1

Using the default name assigned to most bracket pool entries, this person put minimal thought into his or her picks and entered the office pool on a whim, or perhaps by accident. Seeking no expert advice, this competitor also chose winners based on uniform colors and mascot ferocity. Yet despite his or her lack of basketball knowledge, this person has been the frontrunner to win every tournament pool since 1939.

HERE'S TO YOU, MR. "BOSS BUTTON" INVENTOR GUY ...

Throughout history, groundbreaking inventions and discoveries have altered the course of human existence. The printing press. The wheel. Fire.

Anyone care if I add the "Boss button" to the list?

A few years ago, through the splendor of the Internet, CBS and the NCAA teamed up to stream all the action to your computer in real-time -- "March Madness On-Demand," if you will -- making it easier than ever to tank the productivity of your particular employer. The only real limiting factor was the privacy offered by your chest-high cubicle walls. Until now.

Somewhere, a technological whiz with the foresight of Mark Zuckerberg had the wherewithal to incorporate a "Boss button" into the CBS streaming video player. Appropriately named, this small, clickable object near the bottom of the screen kills all sound to your speakers and switches the screen from the high-octane action of the NCAA Tournament to an innocuous still image of an Excel spreadsheet. In terms of enablers, this thing is the Holy Grail. Now all you need is an elaborate series of mirrors to monitor the hallways, and you're all set. It's a bulletproof plan.

So here's to you, Mr. "Boss Button" Inventor Guy. On a day when companies battle raging inefficiency and sleeper cells of illegal gambling, you're helping hide the damage.