Mocking the Mock Draft

The Pope might be the only draft pick who would prevent Knicks fans from booing. Chris Helgren/Reuters Related Links Ian Thomsen's NBA Mock Draft

By Eric Horowitz

With the NBA draft just around the corner, it's time to project which players will have which shiny new hats bestowed upon them. But this isn't your typical mock draft; it's SIOC's Mock Mock Draft, where you'll find out what each team really needs.

1. Chicago: Eric Gordon, Indiana, G
Gordon thought he could spurn Illinois for Indiana and get away with it. Not so fast. The Bulls will make him spend the rest of his career in front of a hostile home crowd.

2. Miami: Dr. Gregory House, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, F
If there's one man who can duct tape Dwyane Wade's body back together, it's House.

3. Boston (from Minnesota): Michael Beasley, Kansas State, F
I'm predicting a draft day trade. Tony Allen for the No. 3 pick. Kevin McHale once again improves "his" team.

4. Seattle: Jim Irsay, Indianapolis Colts, G
The way things are going, the Sonics may need to sneak out of Seattle in the middle of the night in order to get to Oklahoma City. The knowledge of Irsay, a veteran of the Baltimore Colts' 1984 move, will come in handy.

5. Memphis: Brook Lopez, Stanford, C
The Grizzlies roster already has a can't-miss, European, big-man bust (Darko) and a can't-miss, high school phenom, big-man bust (Kwame Brown). The only missing piece is a can't-miss, seasoned college veteran big-man bust.

6. New York: Pope Benedict XVI, Vatican City, G
Would Knicks fans still boo the team with the Pope on the court? Probably.

7. L.A. Clippers: Joe Alexander, West Virginia, F
With Chris Kaman's receding-hairline-mullet and Mike Dunleavy's Tony Kornheiser-esque dome, the Clippers are in need of some serious tonsorial help. Alexander's golden brown curls are just what the doctor ordered.

8. Milwaukee: Anthony Randolph, LSU, F
Randolph will team with Yi Jianlian to give Milwaukee a dazzling front court. Sure, the two of them won't make the Bucks competitive, but the excitement of seeing which player will be the first to crack 200 lbs. should keep fans invigorated.

9. Charlotte: Kevin Love, UCLA, C
Michael Jordan finally acknowledges he has no front office talent and just follows the advice of the "Who Should the Bobcats Draft?" fan poll on CharlotteBobcats.com.

10. New Jersey: Meg Whitman, eBay, G
The former eBay CEO (and possible California gubernatorial candidate) is an expert at getting the best possible price for aging junk. Vince Carter can think of at least one way that skill will be useful to the Nets.

11. Indiana: Danilo Gallinari, Italy, F
Three weeks ago Indiana GM David Morway read a post on a little-known Pacers blog that called Gallinari the "Italian Reggie Miller." At that moment Morway's mind was made up.

12. Sacramento: Rajon Rondo's Offense, Boston, G
The Kings new draft pick will be a huge offensive upgrade over what they got from the point guard position last year.

13. Portland: McGruff the Crime Dog, elementary schools, C
The remake of the Jail Blazers is officially complete.

14. Golden State: Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, UCLA, F
Baron Davis finally has a protégé to mentor on the intricacies of NBA beard growing -- i.e., which cities have the best beard grooming, which post-game moisturizer is the best, etc.

15. Phoenix (from Atlanta): Wayne Ellington, UNC, G
Instead of selling off its draft picks (and potentially strengthening a Western Conference rival) as usual, the Suns discover they can simply draft players who decided to go back to college.