 | Isiah Thomas (left) and Pat Riley can hardly stand to watch their losing products. AP (2) |
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For those of you who doubt my analytical proficiency at hoops, rest assured that any financial evaluations you would get from me would be worse. Nonetheless, the looming recession and my deteriorating portfolio (never all that strong to begin with) have compelled me to think about the NBA's midseason point in Dow Jones terms. (Though in a history replete with Joneses, no Dow has ever played in the NBA.)
Here we go. And, please, heed this warning that a broker once gave me about stocks: "Nobody knows anything."
Note that all prices are hypothetical. Like I really had to tell you that.
Sell! Run for your lives and sell!
New York Knicks (NIX)
Price at beginning of season: $11.75
Current price: One cent
Analysis: Buyouts impossible for overcompensated workforce. Leadership crisis. Stockholders in near revolt. Company has taken the "standard" out of Standard & Poor's.
Miami Heat (MIH)
Price at beginning of season: $28
Current price: Ten cents
Analysis: Downward trend to penny (not Penny) stock will continue with Mark Blount only currently active center. Shouldn't stand Pat, but D-Wade is only tradable commodity.
Los Angeles Clippers (LAC)
Price at beginning of season: $22.50
Current price: $8.50
Analysis: Overinvolvement by out-to-lunch owner suggests serious internal problems. Prime asset Brand on shelf. Haunted company past still seems an issue.
Milwaukee Bucks (BUC)
Price at beginning of season: $20
Current price: $7
Analysis: Seemingly strong parts have not properly integrated. Message about past success in gloomy company headquarters hasn't gotten through. Chinese investment main hope for future.
Don't panic ... but don't buy either
Seattle SuperSonics (SSS)
Price at beginning of season: $5
Current price: 50 cents
Analysis: Immature workforce in need of veteran stability, but vets reportedly tuning out management. Company headquarters due to be moved. Patient investors can look to maturation of prime asset Durant.
Minnesota Timberwolves (MTW)
Price at beginning of season: $5
Current price: $1.50
Analysis: Volatile summer trading frenzy (OK, they unloaded Garnett) paved way to bleak winter outlook, especially outside of home base (2-20 road record).
Houston Rockets (HOR)
Price at beginning of season: $45
Current price: $28.50
Analysis: Two-pronged offensive strategy of new veteran bench leader (Adelman) hurt by familiar company problem of absenteeism. Chinese investment was probably wise but may not pan out in long run.
Indiana Pacers (IND)
Price at beginning of season: $20
Current price: $15
Analysis: On-again, off-again season course has investors concerned. Will be battling similar mid-sized companies NJN and ATL for Eastern scraps.
Hold past trade deadline
Chicago Bulls (CHI)
Price at beginning of season: $50
Current price: $10
Analysis: Much stronger leadership needed from someone on workforce not named Noah. One of few consistent assets, Nocioni, may be dealt. This is no Bulls market but might be wise not to unload it yet.
Memphis Grizzlies (GRZ)
Price at beginning of season: $10
Current price: $8
Analysis: Rumors about potential takeover (apparently you just don't absolutely, positively have to be at FedEx Forum) and asset relocation (Gasol) have hurt, but young workforce, particularly point guard Conley, shows promise in Bear market.
Philadelphia 76ers (PHI)
Price at beginning of season: $13
Current price: $10
Analysis: New management team now in place but will need time to make changes. Still, workforce uninspiring to investors and potential buyers after departure of Iverson.
New Jersey Nets (NJN)
Price at beginning of season: $38.50
Current price: $14
Analysis: Opportunity for dynamic change missed with re-signing of Carter. Long-term stability of prime asset Kidd impossible to figure. Corporate headquarters still dispiriting to workforce and stockholders alike, but urban move seems years away.
Sacramento Kings (SAC)
Price at beginning of season: $25
Current price: $25
Analysis: Company settling in after turbulent transition to more iron-fisted Theus. Chemistry issues unresolved. Watch pending new acquisitions.
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