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Posted: Wednesday October 15, 2008 3:01PM; Updated: Wednesday October 15, 2008 3:25PM
John Rolfe John Rolfe >
GETTING LOOSE
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This Week's Oddball Items Of Interest
 
Hands Across The Water
Smell the glove, indeed
Wednesday, October 15, 2008 is the United Nations' inaugural Global Handwashing Day, so let us hope that WBC heavyweight champ Vitali Klitschko ranked among the 120 million expected participants on five continents. After winning the title last weekend, Klitschko revealed that he applies his son's tinkle to his tender dukes. "Baby wee is good because it's pure, doesn't contain toxins and doesn't smell," the big ol' pug maintained. "I wrap nappies filled with my three-year-old son Max's wee around my fists. The nappies hold the liquid and the swelling stays down." If you say so, sir. But not since Moises Alou publicly revealed four years ago that he routinely waters his own mitts to toughen them has a sports fan had such cause to pause and deeply reconsider marching up, thrusting out a hand and saying "Hey, put 'er there!" to a sports icon. This space is admittedly not versed in the medicinal properties of Old No. 1, but it seems that Klitschko, who goes by the nickname Dr. Iron Fist (that iron is surely rusting now) could have taken a more savory page out of the Hanson Brothers' playbook and simply applied some foil before his bout with the aptly-named Samuel Peter.
 
Your Ad Here
Big man on campus
In one of the meatier items this space has spied in recent days, the Fat Coaches Association has apparently indicted, er, inducted Toledo Rockets head man Tom Amstutz to its growing ranks. There's a certain ironic charm to watching an apparent water mattress-smuggler standing on the sidelines barking orders at a group of finely-chiseled athletes. With the ever-growing trend of plastering every available square inch of a sports event with ads, we sense vast marketing opportunities at large here. These fellows provide ample space for trumpeting such admired products as Wendy's baconator or perhaps even Nutrasystem, Hydroxycut, Zylotrim or any of the other similar slimming solutions whose ads run incessantly on ESPN. A shrewder marketing man than I might propose affixing a diet aid logo and the big black word BEFORE on Amstutz while his trimmer counterpart on the other sideline wears the logo and AFTER. Just a thought, but it would get my bulbous self to grabbing for my wallet and what advertiser in his or her right mind wouldn't want that in these uncertain economic times?
 
Stache your enthusiasm
On verge of greatness
Two weeks ago, this space reported that the American Mustache Institute was growing ever closer to bestowing its Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year Award and was open to your nominees. Well, hold on to your can of Firehouse wax, the 16 finalists are in. Representing the wonderful world of sports are (as expected) Yankees slugger Jason Giambi and 2008 Hall of Famer Goose Gossage, as well as former NFL receiver Art Monk and broadcasters Pat O'Brien and Keith Hernandez, (photo) who pretty much summed up the unbridled excitement by muttering, "Next to playing in the Major Leagues, winning two World Series titles, being named MVP, winning 11 consecutive Rawlings Gold Glove awards, appearing on Seinfeld, marrying my wife Kai, and using Just For MenŽ Haircolor ... if I win, that might be the 29th or so best experience of my life." One suspects that on Hernandez's scale of thrills it will rank somewhere above getting stuck in Cincinnati on yet another mindnumbing road trip and finding that the local Morton's has closed for the night.
Unfounded Rumor of the Week
Next Raiders coach?
Lawd knows hearsay and speculation are the coin of the realm in the Disinformation Age, so lest this space be left in the dust of the Teletype Era, we're going to roll out the juiciest darn rumor we've heard this week: recently-retired Breeders' Cup Classic contender Big Brown has told at least one family member that he "has the itch" to run again. We hear that Brown himself admitted that he has yet to file his retirement papers because, "to be honest with you, never having retired before, I didn't know you had to do that. ... Once you send them in, yeah, it's official, but you could be unofficial the next day. So it's not like, 'Oh, he's over and done with.' You can change your mind the next day." Hearing that, ashen-faced Packers GM Ted Thompson immediately hopped a redeye puddlejumper to Big Brown's farm in Kentucky to offer the colt $20 million to stay the hell home, although sources "in the know" say a trade to the Vikings is being hammered out. As if this weren't enough to blow your $2 hat in the brook, the scuttlebutt here in the washroom has it that wily old Al Davis, ever the maverick iconoclast, is planning to step in, thumb his nose at his growing legion of detractors, and name the horse the next head coach of the Raiders. You read it here first ... and last.
Any rags, any bones, any bottles today? Email John_Rolfe@simail.com
 

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