Your guide to the weekend, SIOC style
"Hot Girls in Scary Places," E! Network, 9 p.m.
Can three USC Song Girls win $10,000 by spending a night in a "haunted hospital?" The suspense is killing me. By the way, unless you firmly believe in the existence of ghosts, this is a reality show about something that isn't real. That sound you hear is television hitting rock bottom.
NCAA Rifle Championship, Fort Worth, Texas
The University of Alaska-Fairbanks team is back to defend the title it won last year ... and the year before that ... and the year before that. In fact, if you ignore the 2005 season, the Nanooks have won the last nine titles. The team is so good an expert markswoman named Sarah Palin attended their 2007 awards ceremony.
America East Conference Men's Basketball Championship, UMBC at Binghamton, 11 a.m.
The old joke around my home state of Maryland is UMBC stands for "U Made a Bad Choice." Not anymore. A win earns the Retrievers a second-straight Tournament appearance and the envy of Maryland and Georgetown.
NCAA Baseball: No. 1 Georgia at Alabama, 5:05 p.m.
There's still hope for Matthew Stafford to win an NCAA Championship. All he has to do is buy a $50 million insurance policy on his right arm, take a few pitching lessons and see if he can help the 'Dogs solidify the back of their bullpen.
Pac-10 Men's Basketball Championship, 6 p.m.
After the Big East and ACC, the Pac-10's top five teams are the best in the country. Don't let that darn media and its East-coast bias force you to overlook them.
Big East Men's Basketball Championship, 9 p.m.
What a night. All those New York kids who stayed close to home and went to St. John's get to achieve their dream of going to the Big East title game ... and watching it from the stands.
WAC Men's Basketball Championship, 10 p.m.
If Boise State doesn't make the field of 65, be prepared for a bunch of whining about how they don't get to compete for a national championship despite losing only 10 games.
Katie Stam visits the University of Indiana, 12 p.m.
The 2009 Miss America (from nearby Seymour, Indiana) will sign autographs and chat with students. It's worth noting that, according to Stam, "The swimsuit competition is not to see who looks the best in a swimsuit. The swimsuit part of the contest is to determine physical fitness because Miss America travels more than 20,000 miles a month." Very interesting. That would explain her unpopular proposal to replace the swimsuit competition with a triathlon.
SEC Men's Basketball Championship, 1 p.m.
Last year, a Georgia team that was 13-16 won four straight to make the NCAA Tournament. This year, the SEC is determined to get an even worse team into the Big Dance.
NCAA Tournament Selection Show, CBS, 6 p.m.
Greg Gumbel packs his bags, says goodbye to his loved ones and begins his three-week campout in the CBS studio. His first order of business is taking some nervous team's hopes and bursting them like a housing bubble (What? Too soon?)