SEAN AVERY
If we weren't so mature, we'd make a joke about sloppy seconds
The girlfriend-trashing, underachieving Dallas Stars left winger has been assigned to the Hartford Whalers of the American League, an affiliate of the New York Rangers.
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CALVARY CHRISTIAN HIGH SCHOOL
Saving the world-I
Because of the administration's moral opposition to male wrestlers competing against girls, a wrestler from this school in Clearwater, Fla., had to forfeit a match and lose a chance to advance in the district tournament.
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RICHLAND COUNTY (S.C.) SHERIFF LEON LOTT
Saving the world-II
Given his 15 minutes of fame by the tabloid newspaper that published the Michael Phelps bong-hit photo, Lott (who should not, by the way, be confused with the bone-headed ex-Dallas Cowboys tackle named Leon Lett) has, to date, made eight more drug arrests -- seven for possession and one for distribution -- from the November party that snagged the Beijing hero.
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MATTEL
Plans for a T.O. Doll that keeps you up all night by whining are on hold
For making a "Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Doll," complete with short skirt, white boots, long legs and anorexic-looking body, the well-known toy company received the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood's TOADY award for "Toys Oppressive and Destructive to Young Children."
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FREDDIE MITCHELL
The key is to use a variety of aromatic woods and slow, slow smoking
The former Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver had handcuffs slapped on him at his Lakeland, Fla., Brothers Bar-B-Q restaurant after he signed for a FedEx package that allegedly contained about seven pounds of marijuana. As of Friday, he had not been charged.
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REP. ELIJAH CUMMINGS
We recognize the distinguished congressman from Maryland who has five minutes to alter reality
The seven-term Democrat, who serves on the House Oversight and Reform Committee, distinguished himself among an army of A-Rod apologists by praising the Yankees third baseman for "demonstrating the courage to come forward" and said that "what distinguishes a true hero is the ability to acknowledge those mistakes ..." Whatever we think of A-Rod's use of steroids, can we stop characterizing his interview with Peter Gammons as anything but a save-his-own-ass image reclamation effort?
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THE LITERARY LANDSCAPE
And, then, perchance, I saw his left ear, and thought, What manner of thing is this? And, so, I chomped...
Mike Tyson, who was recently the subject of a documentary shown at the Sundance Film Festival, says that he will publish a tell-all memoir that he began writing when he was in prison.
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U.S. TRACK AND FIELD
Other than that, this is a gold-medal organization
A task force commissioned by the group's president strongly criticized its system for choosing relay teams, its Olympic trials schedule, its policy for reinstating drug cheats and its overall "lack of accountability, professionalism and cohesion among staff, coaches and athletes."
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JON KOPPENHAVER
No matter the venue, War Machine just gotta be War Machine
The Mixed Martial Arts fighter, who had his name legally changed to fit his pugilistic nature and who has suggested in MySpace posts that President Obama should be assassinated, was arrested for assault and battery after he allegedly got into a couple of altercations at Krave, a Las Vegas nightclub described as "gay but very straight-friendly."
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PLAXICO BURRESS' LAWYER, ADAM SWICKLE
This is just a guess, but he's probably on retainer
Although according to the Associated Press the New York Giants wide receiver has been sued at least nine times since 2000 by people who said he failed to pay a debt, damaged their car or didn't pay his taxes; cited by police for behind-the-wheel incidents (reckless driving and speeding) and public intoxication; and also been the subject of two domestic-abuse calls by his wife made in the last year, Swickle told the AP: "Until this New York thing [Burress' arrest on felony gun charges after he accidentally shot himself in the leg in a Manhattan nightclub], I always thought of him as a very law-abiding person."
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This Week's Most Captivating Blog Entry
Joe Rogan, UFC commentator, on his late-night itinerary following a recent card in Tampa:
After the fights we wanted to get a good meal, so I asked our driver if there were any restaurants open after midnight that served good food. He suggested a local gentlemen's club that was also a great steak house. How convenient. ... when the Spanish broadcast team found out where we were heading they thought it would be the prudent thing to do if they accompanied us, just in case there were some young latino gals with limited English and they had to translate. Plus this way if anyone was talking s--t about us in Spanish, they could alert us. I agreed. We're in a foreign land, and like Jack always says on Lost, "live together or die alone." The only question was going to be how the f--- are we going to fit 7 people in a f---ing Lincoln town car?
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