The worst football game ever?

The Chiefs and Raiders enter Sunday's game with a combined record of 2-14. Getty Images

There are, officially, six rivalries in the NFL. I realize that some people would suggest that one clueless fool with Internet access cannot make "official" proclamations... but they are wrong. We can. And we do. All the time. You can go all over the Internet and see!

Yes, there are six rivalries in the NFL. They are as follows (and in no particular order):

1. Browns-Steelers
2. Chiefs-Raiders
3. Giants-Eagles
4. Cowboys-Redskins
5. Vikings-Packers
6. Jets-Dolphins

OK, to be fair, I do realize there are some limitations with this list. For one thing, the Chicago Bears are not on it, and the Bears are really the quintessential NFL football team. The problem is one of my official rules for my official NFL rivalries is each team is only allowed one rival. And it has to be a matchup where each team despises the other team most. I think Vikings fans despise the Packers more than the Bears. And Packers fans despise the Vikings more than the Bears. And it was that way before Brett Favre turned purple. Of course, maybe I'm wrong about that.

So that would make Bears-Packers and Bears-Vikings sub-rivalries. There are a lot of those. Bengals-Browns and Bengals-Steelers are sub-rivalries. Patriots-Dolphins is a sub-rivalry. Giants-Cowboys and Eagles-Cowboys are sub-rivalries. And so on.

The second limitation: I cannot include Rams-49ers on the list. This is because of the baffling St. Louis Rams. They have to be the most confused organization in sports. All you need to know this is to go to look at the Edward Jones Dome Ring of Honor:

-- Bob Waterfield (Cleveland and Los Angeles Rams)
-- Larry Wilson (St. Louis Cardinals)
-- Norm Van Brocklin (Los Angeles Rams)
-- Marshall Faulk (St. Louis Rams)
-- Eric Dickerson (Los Angeles Rams)
-- Crazy Legs Hirsch (Cleveland and Los Angeles Rams)
-- Tom Mack (Los Angeles Rams)
-- Dan Dierdorf (St. Louis Cardinals)
-- Merlin Olsen (Los Angeles Rams)
-- Deacon Jones (Los Angles Rams)
-- Jackie Slater (Los Angeles Rams)
-- Tom Fears (Cleveland and Los Angeles Rams)
-- Jackie Smith (St. Louis Cardinals)
-- Jack Youngblood (Los Angeles Rams)

Whew. This is an organization with an identity crisis. Rams-49ers used to be a great rivalry, but it has burned out.*

*To be honest, the Browns-Steelers rivalry has probably burned out too with the Browns leaving town** and then coming back and being screwed up and so on. But Cleveland and Pittsburgh are such natural rivals as cities, that I just have to believe it will come back.

**I did read this blog in Ravens Insider (I am briefly mentioned in it) about how the new Cleveland Browns are basically cursed because Cleveland fans cannot or will not let go of their Art Modell rage. It's an interesting theory to which I can only respond, (Bleep) the living (bleeping) (bleepity) (bleep) out of (bleeping) Art (Bleeping) Modell.

The third limitation is I do not include more modern rivalries. The Patriots-Colts has become a great and interesting rivalry... but it really has no historical context. And as soon as Peyton Manning goes, as soon as Tom Brady goes, it doesn't really have much interest left. The Broncos and Chargers could be a rivalry, I guess, though I find it hard to imagine anyone in San Diego has the time or energy for a rivalry. It's too NICE OUTSIDE in San Diego to spend much time hating. The Lions rivalry with its own management might not be long-term.

Now, you will ask: What is the point of infuriating football fans by coming up with some an utterly arbitrary list of football rivalries? Glad you asked. I came up with another Twitter fanbole* the other day.

*You might remember -- but probably not -- that "fanbole" is an invented word -- endorsed by the New York Times! -- that means: "A sweeping, exaggerated and often ludicrous sports statement that a fan makes when under the influence of an emotional sports event (and perhaps various substances)."

Well, inspired by my good friend Tommy, I'm trying to coin another new word. The word is Missage. A noun. Crudely defined, a missage is the voice mail message you find yourself leaving on someone's cell phone at the precise moment they are calling you back. You know how missages usually happen. You call someone and they don't want to pick up -- maybe they think it's someone else, maybe they hear the phone but decide not to answer, maybe they misidentify the number. But then, they realize it's you, and they call you back immediately while you are trying to leave the message. This inevitably leads you to say something ridiculous like: "Um, wait, that's you on the other line, I guess you realized it was me, so I guess, you know, you can ignore this message." That's a missage.

That Twitter fanbole went like this: "Cannot wait to watch Chiefs-Raiders game Sunday. Don't want to jinx it, but that has a chance to be the worst game ever played." Well, as these things go, it inspired quite a few responses from people who totally disagreed and brought up other recent games that they felt certain were worse than this week's Raiders-Chiefs game. There was the Browns-Bills catastrophe a month ago. There was the Redskins-Lions blight on society. There was the Rams-Lions horror show. There was every Lions game last year. And so on.

But, I found myself shaking my head. Those were dreadful games, no doubt. Someone mentioned the classically bad Redskins-Cowboys Monday Night game when they both came in 0-4 -- the Cowboys won that game 9-7. That was some kind of bad.

But I think this Chiefs-Raiders game has a chance, a real chance, to be the worst ever, and it begins with the rivalries point: The Chiefs and Raiders make up one of the official rivalries in sports. This isn't some nondescript matchup between Tampa Bay and Carolina. Sure, those two teams on any given day could give you a harrowing football game. But they can't give you that transcendent bad football experience that we want.

The Raiders and Chiefs can. This is a rivalry that goes back to the very beginning of the old AFL. These were the first two teams to represent the AFL in the Super Bowl. The first year the Chiefs were in Kansas City -- that was 1963 -- they played the Raiders in back-to-back games only five days apart. The Raiders beat the Chiefs 10-7 in Oakland and then drubbed the Chiefs 22-7 back in Kansas City. The next year, the Chiefs beat the Raiders 21-9 and 42-7. Already they despised each other.

Lamar Hunt, who pretty much liked everybody, could not stand Al Davis. And Al Davis, who pretty much despised everybody, saved a special place in his book of loathing for Lamar Hunt. Ben Davidson speared Len Dawson. Otis Taylor threw punches. The Chiefs beat the Raiders in Oakland to go to the 1970 Super Bowl, and the Raiders players had to walk out of the stadium with the Super Bowl luggage they had packed. The Raiders took discarded Chiefs quarterback Rich Gannon, gave him a new offense, and went to the Super Bowl (with Gannon winning league MVP). And so on. And so on. Anger. Frustration. Mutual distaste. It's beautiful.

Now, the Raiders and the Chiefs are two of the league's punch lines. It isn't just that they're both terrible lately -- the Raiders have not had anything close to a winning record since going to the Super Bowl in 2002; the Chiefs have lost 30 of their last 33 and have not won a playoff game since BEFORE Kurt Cobain committed suicide in 1994 -- but they're also comedy gold. The Raiders are coached by someone named Tom Cable, who has been accused of hitting two ex-wives AND an assistant coach. The Chiefs just released Larry Johnson, who went bonkers on Twitter and has been arrested four times. The Chiefs put up signs outside their locker room telling players that only losers assemble and complain about coaches. The Giants' Antonio Pierce, after his (apparently not great) team obliterated the Raiders said the game felt like a scrimmage. Oakland's Greg Ellis conceded that his team is kind of the laughing stock of the league, while Chiefs coach Todd Haley talked about his team's good week of practice before the Chargers bludgeoned the Chiefs 37-7. Oakland quarterback JaMarcus Russell is like an episode of "The Simpsons" every time he goes out there. The Chiefs' Mike Brown has missed so many tackles that Pro Bowl running backs this year are expected to buy HIM watches.

So here you have this great rivalry between two remarkably bad teams. It's the perfect setup. Also, the game will be in Oakland, where fans will wear spikes and pirate eye-patches and boo the hell out of everything and everyone that moves. Not that there will be much movement -- the great Peter King was basing his Raiders-Chiefs pick on the quality of the two punters. The Raiders have scored six touchdowns all year, the Chiefs have not scored a rushing touchdown all year. The Chiefs have converted 22 percent of their third downs -- worst in the NFL, of course. The Raiders' leading wide receiver (and not tight end) is someone named Louis Murphy -- he has 16 catches in eight games. The Chiefs have allowed 30 sacks while making 10*. The Raiders have allowed 13 rushing touchdowns while scoring 4.

Yes, these are bad football teams.

*But, hey, 10 sacks was what the Chiefs had all of last year.

The two teams have already played a jaw-droppingly bad 13-10 game earlier this year -- won by Oakland. So they know each other. Yes, this game has all the makings, all the potential, to be so awesomely bad that Michael Bolton will sing about it*

*OK, so the other day, in a restaurant, I heard these six songs in order -- and I DEFY you to ever be in a place where you hear six songs this bad in a row:

1. We Built This City, Starship.
2. Run To You, Bryan Adams
3. Your Love, The Outfield
4. Hold on Loosely, 38 Special
5. How Am I Supposed To Live Without You, Michael Bolton
6. A View To A Kill, Duran Duran

I know now that someone will talk about how they like these songs. I have long felt that musical taste is personal, and if you enjoy them, I heartily endorse that. But man... that is my iPod playlist in Hell.

Of course, the Chiefs-Raiders game might not be bad at all. You never know with the NFL. Football is a game that can be bizarrely entertaining when two teams of equal ineptitude face off. But I'm holding out hope. I plan to order pizza, get some snacks, invite over friends, have my recliner in the basement all warmed up for this one. It isn't every week that you get a chance to see what might be the worst NFL game ever. Of course, knowing the Raiders and Chiefs, they'll disappoint even in this.