End-of-year English football awards

Chelsea striker Didier Drogba (bottom) seemed to spend as much time off his feet this past season as he did on them. Adrian Dennis/AFP/Getty Images The Limey's Mailbag Keep the banter flowing to The Limey. Name: Email: Hometown: Question: SEND

There's cigar smoke and perfume in the evening air as the thronging masses head to Castle Limey for our annual awards ceremony. Only one man is headed the other way: a winking, temperamental, petulant, prima donna flagging down a lift to Madrid. Are you sitting comfortably now, the chilled Taittinger bubbling to perfection? Team Limey takes the stage.

The Oliver Stone Award for falling theatrically. Does Didier Drogba have a passion for worm-watching? Or is he practicing his commando rolls for a remake of Platoon?

The Cliff Clavin Award for needing a beer. Newcastle owner Mike Ashley hit the headlines downing a pint at the Emirates last August. Our officious press was outraged that he was encouraging binge drinking and imbibing illegally within the view of a pitch. Both ridiculous points. The sooner soccer fans in England are not treated like animals and are allowed to drink in their seats, the better. If Ashley wants a pint at Castle Limey, he's welcome. After all, now that the third-best-supported club in the Premier League has been relegated, his previous $1.3 billion valuation of the Magpies has become a relatively paltry $230 million. That sort of loss could push anyone into spending the rest of their life at a bar.

The Martha Stewart Homebody Award. Robinho has taken to banging in goals at the City of Manchester Stadium, finishing fourth in the EPL in scoring. But away from his home support, especially in the long wet English winter, he was less effective than the Andorra offense (was there an offense?). Former England striker Stan Collymore described the boy from Brazil's performance at Portsmouth in February as being "quite possibly the single worst performance ever seen in the Premier League."

The Judas Iscariot Loyalty Award.

"I look forward to the new challenge of growing the world's most popular game in a country that is as passionate about its sport as my own."
-- David Beckham on his imminent move to the L.A. Galaxy, January 2007

"I'll do whatever I can to stay here because I have loved my time here."
-- David Beckham on his time with AC Milan, March '09.

The E.T. Come Home Award. Robbie Keane wasn't the first Irishman to celebrate his "leaving of Liverpool," but since he only signed last July, we thought his stay might last longer than half a season. With five EPL goals to his name, he headed back to London. Spurs made a $13 million profit and laughed all the way to mid-table mediocrity.

The Doc Martens Too Big for Your Boots Award. As Team Limey waited on a train platform last January, we heard a creaking noise on the roof. To our surprise, it was Manchester City CEO Garry Cook. What was he doing up there? Quite simply, he was getting above his station! City tried to sign Kaká in January, but the mercurial midfielder, and arguably the world's best player, didn't fancy a team that loses 3-0 at home in the FA Cup to Championship side Nottingham Forest.

The Late George Best Award for services to après-footballing activities. There's been a two-way North London fight for this award. Falling short of the big prize is Tottenham captain Ledley King, the professional footballer who is no longer able to participate in training due to his dodgy knee but is seemingly fully able to engage in fisticuffs with the doormen of London nightclubs. However, the award rightly goes to Arsenal's big-ego striker Niklas Bendtner, who "celebrated" his team's defeat at the hands of Manchester United by downing not only a few glasses of champagne, but also his trousers as he exited a trendy London night spot.

The Giorgio Armani Award for on-pitch fashion. Arsenal midfielder Cesc Fàbregas wins this hands down for his on-pitch cameo after his side's tempestuous FA Cup sixth-round win over Hull City. So stormy was his leather jacket-clad appearance that that it led to accusations from Hull assistant manager Brian Horton that the Arsenal captain had launched spittle in his direction.

The Charles Dickens Award (a.k.a. A Tale of Two Hull Cities). Did two different Hull teams play in the EPL last season? After losing only once in their nine opening games, the newly promoted Tigers sat in third place in the EPL with 20 points. They had even claimed a league win at Arsenal and Europe seemingly beckoned. Yet when the remarkable run finished, the confidence drained and Hull managed a meager 3 league wins from 29 games and only avoided relegation on the last game of the season due to Newcastle United's ineptitude. Boss Phil Brown banishing Geovanni, his only creative force, to the sidelines in protest at his lethargy didn't help, either. Lazy or not, Hull needed the inventive Brazilian. Team Limey looks forward to more of Perma-tanned Phil's madcap antics, such as his on-field halftime team talk at Man. City, or his karaoke serenade to fans celebrating the team's staying up in the Premiership.