Barcelona vs. Real Madrid instant analysis

Almost there:

It's raining at Camp Nou. "I am rooting for a 0-0 yawner, four guys marking Messi, two shots total, and sub 50 percent passing," jests Brandon Bandhauer. I hope not -- I'm missing a Midlands clasico between Leicester City and Nottingham Forest to watch this continental business.

Preamble: "We have the responsibility to give the world an exceptional spectacle," says Jose Mourinho. What can I say about this match that hasn't been said, using up every last superlative imaginable, already? That it's as good as a title decider, even in November? Nope, been done. That it's a chance to decide, once and for all a few hours, who's the better of Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi? Pretty sure that one's been covered. That it pitches Mourinho, quasi-mythical creature that he's become, against Pep Guardiola, who has resolutely refused to be drawn into any town-square posturing? Too late for that, too. Let's just say this is a meeting of arguably the two greatest club sides in the world, currently, and let the soccer do the talking, shall we?

Teams:

No surprises here.

Barcelona: Victor Valdes; Dani Alves, Gerard Pique, Carlos Puyol, Eric Abidal; Sergio Busquets; Xavi Hernandez, Andres Iniesta; Pedro, Lionel Messi, David Villa.

Real Madrid: Iker Casillas; Sergio Ramos, Pepe, Ricardo Carvalho, Marcelo; Sami Khedira, Xabi Alonso; Angel di Maria, Mesut Ozil, Cristiano Ronaldo; Karim Benzema.

Officials Today's referee is Eduardo Iturralde Gonzalez, an appointment that has got Mourinho, nervous worrywart that he is, complaining about favouritism. He was in charge of two matches Barcelona won against Real, see -- in 2005 and 1999. You know a more cynical play-by-play commentator might wonder if this isn't a bit of a ploy.

This interactivity lark:

This page should update automatically as the match progresses. If you want to have a bit of a chat as we go -- and why not, you're on the Man's dollar at this time of day, aren't you? -- email georgina.turner.si@gmail.com, or tweet @georgina_turner.

Kickoff: The noise inside the stadium is incredible ... I think the Beatles must just have stepped off a plane. Real Madrid kick us off and within seconds, Ronaldo is upended. Hope you're grown your nails for this one.

Pique dispatches a long pass forward looking for Pedro, but Real clears momentarily. Iniesta almost finds Villa moments later, but against Pepe cuts it out. A pattern of attack versus defense is already emerging.

Ronaldo's first foray down the right attracts a chorus of whistles and jeers, and he dinks a cross straight into Valdes' arms -- but the keeper looks to be in a fair amount of pain after landing at Pique's feet. The replay suggests it's not that bad and Valdes duly gets up.

A Barcelona corner after Messi outdribbles first Marcelo and then di Maria ... OH! Casillas gets fingertips to a delightful little Messi flick that looks destined to dip under the crossbar and bangs off the post instead.

Alves tries one from at least 35 yards out, but his effort never musters enough bend to really threaten the goal. According to the replay, Messi's chip shot actually hit the top of the post, not Casillas' hand. These extra eyes I've leased for the day aren't helping much, sorry.

Barcelona takes the lead! This was messier than Barca is renowned for, but there are 98,000 people inside Camp Nou who don't care one jot. Iniesta slides a pass through the Real defense, which he and his chums have been dancing around for 10 minutes, and Xavi manages to stay onside and poke the ball gently up and over Casillas from close range.

That crackling you hear is the electricity generated by my fingers attempting to keep up with this match, which is being played at time-added-on-in-the-World-Cup-final pace. There are robust tackles flying in all over the place, by both sides, and the referee is happy to be a spectator, like the rest of us. Di Maria has just stung Valdes’ fingers.

Valdes in action again as Abidal attempts a backpass under pressure from Benzema. He manages to push it wide of his post. "Cheers for the updates," says Frank Grieve, in New Zealand. "They will keep me going through work this morning. Are Ronaldo and Messi matching up on the same or opposite sides to begin with?" Ronaldo's on Real's right, Messi left/central for Barca, from what I can see. They've not squared up yet.

Pedro's made it 2-0! Real just isn't coping with Barcelona. Barca kept the ball for long enough to encourage the crowd into Ole-ing every successful pass, eventually threading it out to Villa on the left, whose low cross is simply manhandled by Casillas on its way through to Pedro, who sidefoots home in midair. Mourinho looks a little peeved.

Benzema steals half a yard up against Puyol and Alves, but attempts a shot from wide on the left and can't give it enough bend or dip to steer it on goal. Looks like Ronaldo has switched over to the left now.

Fight! Fight! Fight! The referee halts a melee in the centre circle that appears to have stemmed from Ronaldo getting into a huff about being tackled.

Statto corner: Messi has scored seven goals in eight games against Real, but not one in eight games against Mourinho. The way this game is going, that could well change today. Barcelona is carving through Real at will.

I've lost count of how many passes Barcelona have strung together: 72 percent possession so far, apparently, though it feels like 92 percent. Pedro eventually springs the offside trap, but Casillas is out quickly to get in his way.

It's insane that the TV commentators are talking about Real Madrid being taught a soccer lesson here, but it's kind of hard to argue. Carvalho cuts out a Pedro cross to up Real's possession stats by about 0.0001 percent.

Ronaldo has picked a fight with every single Barca player, coach, physio and hanger on by shoving Guardiola in the chest on the sideline. Valdes wants blood! Things calm down after the keeper and Ronaldo are booked.

David Villa goes into the referee's book for a foul on Khedira maybe 10 yards outside the area. Ronaldo licks his lips, standing over the ball, though Ozil looks like he wants to remind us that he's there ...

... it leaves Ronaldo's foot like a bullet from a gun, but he curls his effort narrowly wide.

Pepe gets a booking for tugging Messi back -- he was only just over the halfway line, for goodness sake, but there was already panic in Pepe's eyes.

A better spell for Real, but it ends with Ronaldo throwing himself over Valdes as they both go for the ball in the area. The referee awards a goal kick, and Ronaldo's grin suggests he didn't seriously think he'd get the decision.

Messi buzzes across the pitch from right to left, the ball pinging back and forth off his toe like a well-trained yo-yo, but can't keep his shot under control from about 25 yards out.

Messi steals the ball off Ramos, and charges into the area as the crowd's collective heart-rate surges into dangerous territory. But Pepe does well to block his path and hoof the ball away. Real head up to the other end and win another corner, but they've yet to put one over the first man. Things are petering towards half-time.

Oof, scratch that. Messi goes down off the ball, clutching his face. It looked like he took an elbow from Carvalho, but the referee decides he's making a fuss and books him for playacting. "Do you think this stays 11 v 11?" wonders Robert Carrillo. The odds are slimming.

Halftime

That's halftime folks. A superb opening display by Barcelona, and Mourinho is going to have to give a pep talk and a half to inspire Real back from this. Not that I'm putting it past him.

I'm semi-reliably informed that Mourinho smacked his head on the dugout reacting to the Messi/Carvalho incident ... can anyone confirm or deny?

Diarra comes on in place of Ozil, who barely touched the ball in the first half. We're off for another 45 minutes of fun.

So nearly another goal for Barca! Messi jinks in from the right, past a handful of defenders before shooting into them. His better option was rolling the ball out left (she says, telling the best player in the world what to do) to Villa -- eventually it breaks there anyway, but Ramos (I think) gets his body in the way to deflect it wide of the near post.

A lot of people wondered if Mourinho would start with Diarra in the middle instead of Ozil to make Real defensively tougher, but making the switch at 2-0 down? Alonso gets a booking for running into the back of Busquets, who twirls up into the air like a baton.

Xavi hits the side-netting! He was fed through by Messi, darting between two defenders and sliding the ball into the area, but Xavi was pushed wide enough to make the angle difficult.

Barca goes 3-0 up! A wonderful pass -- simple, basic stuff, but delightfully done -- from Messi plays Villa into the area, where he turns ahead of Pepe and rifles the ball into the bottom corner. Surely even Mourinho can't conjure this kind of comeback.

Villa makes it four! If it wasn't already, this is now hugely embarrassing for Real. Casillas and Ronaldo have got the face on. Another Messi assist, from deeper this time as he outfoxes two defenders and just strokes it into Villa's stride. It looks like Barca is in the mood to trump that 6-2.

Marcelo makes way for Arbeloa, as Mourinho attempts to mop up this messy spill with a cotton bud.

"This Barca team is brilliant," says John Reid. "If they eliminate daft mistakes they could rule Europe for years." He's not even exaggerating, is he?

Barca gets a freekick in the centre circle, and Busquets flights it towards goal with Casillas off his line. The keeper tries not to look flustered, but quickly backpedals and sticks a hand up as the ball drops rapidly. Just over.

Sorry for the delay, it's hard to take your eyes off this. Barcelona has had the ball for something like 3000 passes, just tapping it around like it's up against a foosball XI.

Let's not forget that Real came into this match unbeaten, a point clear of Barca, with a clutch of healthy wins in its pocket. This isn't just any team that Barca is playing off the park. Carvalho gets a booking for a deliberate handball that could easily have seen him sent off. The referee has mercy.

This is threatening to descend into (typical?) Mourinho pantomime here. Ramos gets booked for a hack on Villa that probably looked worse than it was.

Yep. First Arbeloa barges into Messi, then Khedira wallops Busquets, earning a yellow card.

Guardiola shows some compassion. Villa off for Bojan.

Ooh and he almost makes an immediate impact, released with just Pepe for company. But his first touch isn't too controlled and as he stumbles, the defender moves in to clear up. Moments later he has more time and space to unleash a shot from the edge of the area, but Casillas makes a simple parry.

Messi is still looking for that elusive goal versus Mourinho, as a dribble into the area is snuffed out by the pair of defenders in attendance every time he so much as wipes his nose.

Ronaldo has the ball for the first time in ages, perhaps his first sustained touch in this half. He's been pouting an if-only-my-teammates-were-as-good-as-me pout, but he quickly loses it by the touchline. A rare Real corner beats the first man this time but only so it can bounce off a Barca head and away.

What a dreadful cross from di Maria, who had the time and space to craft something far better than a drifting ball that drops behind the goal-line. Barca has deflated this team completely.

A pause while Pedro receives some attention. If this was a boxing match the referee would have ended things by now: Barca virtually standing still, and still keeping the ball. Xavi is summoned off, enjoying a standing ovation before being replaced by Keita. Pedro is replaced by Jeffren.

Ronaldo attracts a loud round of boos as he nicks the ball off Abidal. The boos turn to grinning jeers as he miscontrols it and watches it roll over the touchline. I'll hazard the highlights from tonight won't make it onto his Twitter feed. Three minutes of injury time to be added.

It's five! Jeffren is mobbed after compounding Real's misery. Wonderful cross from Bojan evades Iniesta's outstretched foot, but Jeffren muscles past Ramos to poke it home.

 A brawl has broken out. Ramos hacked Messi down and then shoved Puyol in the face to the floor. Scrappy way to end such an amazing game.

It was the last act of the game, and it was Ramos who was dismissed in the melee. In any case, Real players look mortified: this will be a hard 90 minutes to digest, and Mourinho is unlikely to have much of an Alka-Seltzer effect. Questions will be asked about his lineup for this encounter, but you fancy it wouldn't have made much difference. There was a majestic ease to Barcelona, while Real was all bluster and hard work to achieve very little. Can't wait for the rematch in April. Thanks for your e-mails, sorry there wasn't chance to do much with them.