Ranking NFL teams by quarterback (cont.)
QUARTERBACK: Eli Manning
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A GIANTS FAN: Eli Manning has robbed me of the right to complain about anything that happens in the regular season. I feel like I'm cheering for an NBA team. Also, I always loved Tom Coughlin. Really. I swear.
QUARTERBACK: Tony Romo
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A COWBOYS FAN: How dare you rank Eli above Romo, who has better numbers? Just because Eli has won two Super Bowls while Romo once fumbled a snap to blow a playoff game? Oh, fine.
QUARTERBACK: Michael Vick
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE AN EAGLES FAN: I have to get all my Michael Vick Super Bowl hopes and dreams out now because he always gets hurt.
QUARTERBACK: Robert Griffin III
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A REDSKINS FAN: I don't care what anybody else on the team does. If RGIII looks like a star this year, I'm happy.
QUARTERBACK: Aaron Rodgers
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A PACKERS FAN: Bwahahahahahahahahaha! (Unless you're a Giants fan. Then ... uh, I have to run. See ya!)
QUARTERBACK: Matthew Stafford:
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A LIONS FAN: I have one prediction for this team: By the end of the year, there will be a semi-serious campaign to have Calvin Johnson play both offense and defense. Johnson is that much of a freak, and the defensive backfield is that bad. Anyway, the Lions are in a strange spot: This is their most anticipated season in many years, but there is also remarkably little at stake. If the Lions slip to 8-8, they get to come back with Stafford and Johnson for the next few years anyway. It is a great time to be a Lions fan. Did I really just say that?
QUARTERBACK: Jay Cutler
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A BEARS FAN: Cutler finally has weapons around him. This could be fun! I said FUN, Jay. Smile! Oh, never mind.
QUARTERBACK: Christian Ponder
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A VIKINGS FAN: Since almost making the Super Bowl after the 2009 season, my team is 9-16 and is about to stink again. All I can do is root against Aaron Rodgers and Green Bay, but I can't root too hard, because someday Rodgers might retire and unretire and leave the Packers and we might sign him and then I will cheer for him like the loathsome frontrunner I am.
QUARTERBACK: Drew Brees
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A SAINTS FAN: Bleeping bleep bleep UGH bleep. Yeah, you heard me, Roger. Nonetheless, given the choice between A) a bunch of suspensions, commissioner-imposed chaos and Drew Brees, or B) order, calm and no Drew Brees, I would go with A every time. Brees and his Coach Du Jour are going to win this division.
QUARTERBACK: Matt Ryan
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A FALCONS FAN: Ryan and Julio Jones could be one of the best pass-catch combos in the league. But if the Falcons don't make the Super Bowl soon, I am prepared to slap Ryan with some label he doesn't deserve, like Too Nice To Win or Regular-Season Player.
QUARTERBACK: Cam Newton
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A PANTHERS FAN: On a good day, Newton looks like he could redefine the position. On a bad day, he still looks better than Jake Delhomme.
QUARTERBACK: Josh Freeman
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A BUCS FAN: I like having Josh Freeman on my team. I would like having one of the other three guys in the division more.
QUARTERBACK: Alex Smith
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A 49ers FAN: OK, this is where it looks like I'm adjusting the quarterback rankings to match up with the order of finish. But I'm not. Check out the rest of the division.
QUARTERBACK: Sam Bradford
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A RAMS FAN: The organization has not done Bradford many favors, and he certainly looked like a future star as a rookie. But he did not play as well as Smith did last year. Perhaps Bradford will become the truly great pure passer that Jeff Fisher never had. Or perhaps he and Fisher will cost each other their jobs.
QUARTERBACK: Russell Wilson
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A SEAHAWKS FAN: Like Pete Carroll, I'm on board the Russell Wilson bandwagon. Unlike some NFL starters, he actually produced at a high level for a winning team in college. So what if he is short? Height isn't everything. Just ask ...
QUARTERBACK: John Skelton
WHAT I WOULD THINK IF I WERE A CARDINALS FAN: Skelton's two major qualifications are that he is tall (6-foot-6) and not Kevin Kolb. I'm sure this makes Larry Fitzgerald feel fantastic. Skelton's brother Steve is a tight end on the Cardinals' practice squad, and I sincerely hope Steve Skelton makes the active roster and then Skelton repeatedly throws to Skelton when he is double-covered, ignoring a wide-open Fitzgerald downfield, because the team will suck anyway and it's hot in Phoenix and I need some entertainment so I forget I'm sweating my nipples off.