Date:
Jan. 10,
2009
To:
Members of Augusta National Golf
Club
From:
R. Worthington Read,
Chairman
Re:
Finances
As most of you
know,
thanks to the catastrophic stock market crash
11 years ago, we have been under considerable strain these
past few years to meet the
$10 million purse that
Commissioner Leadbetter now insists upon. Toward this end, the
tournament committee is entertaining an interesting offer
from
Mr. Rupert Murdoch, whose Fox Network, as you
know, has been televising our tournament ever since our
acrimonious parting with
CBS.
Before presenting the Murdoch offer, a little background
might be helpful to you newer members. In 2003, when we
were first pressed for money, Ted Turner came to us with
what we at first thought was an appalling proposition. It
seems that he and
Governor Fonda were looking to build a vacation home in Augusta.
During a visit to the 1998 Masters, the Turners fell in
love with the property just south of our clubhouse hot tubs
on which our nine-hole
par-3 course was laid out. Mr. Turner asked for a meeting with
our directors, and as
one of them, I was in attendance. Held in
what is now the Tiger Woods Trophy
Room, the discussion went as
follows.
Mr. Turner got straight to the point. "I would like to
buy your nine-hole par-3 course and am willing to offer you
$20 million," he
said.
|
What will the players do between the 1st and 9th holes? Mr.
Murdoch has a solution.
Joe Ciardiello
|
There was a lengthy silence. Finally
Ray Billingham, then Chairman, spoke up.
"Mr. Turner," he said, "I am afraid you are unaware of
the many traditions of the Masters, one of which is the
beloved par-3 event held on the Wednesday afternoon prior
to the start of the tournament itself. We could never do
without
it."
"I'll make it $50
million."
"Mr. Turner, at the risk of insulting you, you fail to
understand that we at Augusta National are a proud group.
In spite of all sorts of enticements, we have remained free
from the encroachments of commercialism that, sadly, have
afflicted the rest of
golf, witness the Burger King U.S. Open and the Revlon Ryder
Cup. When you stand on our veranda during the tournament
and gaze out at the green expanse of our course, you see
nothing that smacks of an advertisement. We at Augusta
National are above that
sort of
thing."
"How about $100
million?"
"Ted," said Billingham, "you've got yourself
a
deal."
It was heart-wrenching, of course, to see the bulldozers
plow up all those dogwoods and azaleas as Turner's 80-room
cottage went up and Ike's Pond was transformed into the
Governor's lap pool, but as you know, there was an upside. Three
holes were spared, and Ted was kind enough to let our
contestants play the par-3 event as usual, with each
circling the abbreviated course three times. I'm sure our
patrons have enjoyed watching Ted
and his friends play in the pro-am portion of the par-3
before all the competitors head on to the popular
Wednesday-night barbecue that Ted holds on the practice
putting green.
Keeping in mind how well our arrangement with the Turners
has worked out, let us now address ourselves to Mr.
Murdoch's offer. Two months ago he requested an audience
with the Board, which was granted, though I must admit we
were somewhat taken aback
when he landed his helicopter on the 1st fairway. We were even
more startled to hear his proposal. He wishes to buy the
acreage of our entire front nine, and plans, he says, to
build a huge television studio on the 5th hole, wherever
that
is.
I know, I know. I can hear your cries of protest. All of us
in attendance reacted the same way. With no front nine
there would be no 18, and without an 18 there would be no
Masters. We told Mr. Murdoch as
much.
He was, of course, prepared for our reaction. He opened by
mentioning a price: $1 billion. That certainly got our
attention. We quickly calculated that if that sum were
invested wisely, it would not only take care of the
escalating Masters purse for
years but would also rid us of membership dues as well, which,
as you know, have reached $250,000 a year. But the question
remained: How could we accept his offer and still hold the
tournament?
Mr. Murdoch had several suggestions, all of which merit
consideration. Could not the competitors, he asked, play
the back nine twice? Or perhaps tee off at
number 10 playing two balls and record a score for each?—and so
on for all nine holes. Perhaps the simplest solution of
all, he said, would be to have the competitors play the
back nine once and merely double the score, a 34, say,
converting to a
68.
Needless to say, our Board wanted time to consider
Mr. Murdoch's offer, and we retired to the Arnold Palmer Pub
Room to think it over. While intrigued, I felt that if we
acquiesced we would lose a bit too much. On Thursday
morning, when by tradition the tournament begins with Jack
and Arnie hitting their
ceremonial first shots and then driving their
Caseycarts down the 1st fairway, there would be no 1st fairway to
drive on. It is also true that during the tournament many
of our members and their wives sometimes leave the veranda
to observe the action on the 9th green, 50 yards away. Now
there would be no 9th
green.
|
Bill Gates has asked to buy in ... although he did mention one
disquieting thing.
Joe Ciardiello
|
It was young Hathaway who hit on what I think is the
perfect solution. If
Mr. Murdoch would agree to purchase only holes 2 through 8, no
one would ever realize they were gone. It's no secret that
we have always been embarrassed by our front nine, which is
why we have never allowed permanent TV placements there. We
dropped CBS
because the network became too insistent on televising all 18
holes, as all those pedestrian tournaments permit.
And, of course, because of Mr. McCord's
comment that Clifford Roberts should have taken some of us
with
him.
The Hathaway suggestion is simple, if a tad unorthodox.
Front nine play would begin at number 1 as usual so that
our loyal patrons can see their favorite players hit their
tee shots and ride off down the fairway. Some two hours
later they will reappear
at the 9th. Holing out, they will enter a small tent not
unlike the one at 18, in which they check and sign their
scorecards.
Inside, each player will be handed a pair of dice. One will
have the number 3 engraved on all six sides, so that when
rolled it will, of course, come up 3. The second will have
numbers 3 through 8. The player rolls that die. If it comes
up, say, 5, he
marks down 35 for his front nine and heads off for the 10th
tee. When 8 comes up, it means a 38, I'm afraid, but then
again, it might come up 3 for a 33. Statistics show that
95% of the players shoot between 33 and 38 on the front
nine, so little is
lost.
The beauty of this plan is that no one, save the players
and a handful of nosy spectators, will ever know that seven
holes are missing. No television cameras will betray us,
and certainly no writers. In fact, I can't remember when I
last saw a writer 25
feet from the veranda bar. Tournament leaders brought into
the media center after outstanding rounds can simply ad lib
how they shot that 33 on the front
nine.
You might ask what the players will do for the two hours
between playing the 1st and 9th holes. Mr. Murdoch has what
we feel is a superb solution. On what used to be the 2nd
fairway, he will set up a huge tent, inside of which will
be a variety of
entertainments for the players, pinball machines, Arnold
Schwarzenegger movies and giant TV screens showing reruns of
The
Flintstones as well as tapes of past Masters highlights and disasters,
such as the famous 1998 tournament in which Greg Norman set
a 54-hole course record on the way to an 11-stroke lead,
only to shoot 87 on Sunday and lose to the highly regarded
Gabriel
Hjertstedt.
The plan seems airtight and needs only a majority vote of
the membership for passage. I am personally for it and urge
every one of you to vote not with your heart but with your
pocketbook.
Oh, yes, there is one last piece of financial business.
Sensing he is missing out on the increasing luster of our
tournament, Mr. Bill Gates has asked if
Microsoft can buy into our traditional victory ceremony on
Sunday evening. He promises there will
be no mention of his company at any time, nor will he tamper
with the Nike logo on the sleeve of the champion's green
jacket. Seems just fine to me, although I must say he did
mention one disquieting thing. His favorite color is
purple.
Sincerely,
RWR
A
Modest
Proposal
