Armando Benitez has allowed seven home runs in 30 1/3 postseason innings. AP
186
Rain delay, in minutes, before the Tigers-White Sox game started at 11:11 p.m. ET on Thursday.
Places where bashers of baseball, the grand old game, can go:
1
Ben Affleck movie marathon.
2
The courthouse, to see their favorite NBA players.
3
Redskins training camp; bring plenty of cash.
4
American Idol tryouts. Good luck with Simon.
5
Upper deck at U.S. Cellular Field. Bring binoculars.
6
To the moon, Alice!
By Jacob Luft, SI.com
Augury isn't really our thing here at The Beat, but since there was only one day of games this week and no real trends to break down in a high-falutin', statistical manner, we're gonna have to settle for a look at the near future.
Dim the lights, cue the eerie music and come along for the ride as we risk a copyright infringement suit from Late Night with Conan O'Brien and look into the future, all the way into the Year 2000.
In the Year 2000 ... Ken Griffey Jr. will suffer a season-ending injury. OK, OK that was too easy considering it just happened Thursday night. But it's always nice to start with a layup.
In the Year 2000 ... Jose Lima will do one too many electric slides after a strikeout, prompting a 'roid-raged slugger to beat him over the cabeza with a bat.
In the Year 2000 ... The Yankees' postseason will end when Armando Benitez gives up a grand slam to Oakland's Erubiel Durazo in Game 5 of the AL Division Series. Having finally won a playoff series, Oakland GM Billy Beane's ego becomes so large that it swallows the known universe.
In the Year 2000 ... The teams that lose their playoff series fall back on the pathetic "these short series are crapshoots anyways" excuse.
In the Year 2000 ... The Mets win the pennant ... of the Class AA Eastern League. The Portland Sea Dogs give them a good race, but the absence of Questec machines in the minors makes Tom Glavine unbeatable.
In the Year 2000 ... Rangers slugger Juan Gonzalez enjoys using his veto power so much that he quits baseball and decides to run for public office.
In the Year 2000 ... The Marlins renege on their promise to keep Mike Lowell, trading him at the deadline to the Yankees for a gigantic pile of Benjamins. Fearing a public relations nightmare, owner Jeffrey Loria looks to the CIA for a scapegoat.
In the Year 2000 ... Somebody at ESPN realizes they are putting way too many homely sportswriters on television. They cancel such gripping shows as Around the Horn and PTI and replace them with never-ending reruns of the ESPYs.
In the Year 2000 ... Dusty Baker wins a Nobel prize for his groundbreaking studies on skin color and day baseball. He celebrates by having Mike Scioscia outmanage him again.
In the Year 2000 ... The Braves finish the regular season with 115 wins despite having Mike Hampton make 30-plus starts. That, my friends, is a ballclub.
In the Year 2000 ... The Expos are sold at auction to Spawn creator Todd McFarlane, who bans the sale of outfield bleacher seats because he wants to keep all the souvenirs to himself.
In the Year 2000 ... Forget Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds draws the ire of millions when he proclaims himself to be bigger than Jesus.
In the Year 2000 ... Greg Maddux comes out to pitch the ninth inning of a game. In fact, he will pitch his first complete game since July 17, 2001. Oh, wait, did that happen on Thursday too? Oh well, it's nice to end with a layup, too.
This week's topic: Belated observations on the All-Star Game.
1. No wonder Eric Gagne was useless as a starter. He doesn't seem to care unless there is a three-out, pad-your-stats save opportunity on the line. On July 2, he looked genuinely disinterested when Jim Tracy brought him into the ninth inning of a 3-3 tie against the Padres, which Gagne lost in the 10th. Would Gagne have been so hittable in the All-Star Game if Dusty Baker had brought him in for the ninth inning -- when he would qualify for the save -- instead of the eighth? For the season, Gagne has allowed two earned runs in 31 1/3 innings when there is a save on the line. In non-save ops, he has given up eight earned runs in 15 1/3 IP.
2. After retiring legend Roger Clemens pitched the third inning, the game should have been stopped so he could be awarded the same bizarre trophy that Cal Ripken Jr. and Tony Gwynn got in 2001.
3. FOX's endless "This Time it Counts" promos kept showing players getting brushed back, so how tasteless did the network look after Jason Schmidt crowned Edgar Martinez in the second inning? If Martinez had been seriously hurt, it might have meant a quick end to this grand little experiment.
Welcome to the world of alternate photo captions:
"If the baseball glove fits, you must acquit!" AP
Hey, Bob Brenly, your foot has to be on the rubber for the pitch to count. AP
USA Today swung and missed with its 10 ways to fix baseball this week. Their first suggestion is to reduce the season to 154 games. Just what all baseball fans want: Less baseball! No. 2 on the list: Eliminate four teams to improve the quality of play. There are billions of people in this world, many of whom are quite good at baseball. This ridiculous contraction argument needs to die already. The rest of the ideas are equally inane, topped off by the brilliant concept of 10-man lineups that feature both a DH and the pitcher. If we wanted to watch softball, we would do down to the city park and chug beer with all the other weekend warriors. Leave the game alone. The game is fine. Tinkering can only make things worse.
"If the baseball glove fits, you must acquit!" 
Hey, Bob Brenly, your foot has to be on the rubber for the pitch to count. 
