A survival guide for the silly
season
Posted: Wed April 8,
1998
All right, class, come to order. On the sports calendar,
from March Madness and the Masters to the Indy 500 and the
Stanley Cup, this is the most crowded time of the year.
Moreover, since the fall of Communism, since Monica
Lewinsky stopped talking to
Linda Tripp and since there is simply no more that anybody
can possibly say about the Titanic—let's face it—there is
nothing going on in the world
except
sports.
So, if you don't know diddly about sports, if you can't
contribute wise sports clichés to everyday banal
conversations, then you are on the outside looking in, a
social misfit, out to lunch. If you think you might need a
little remedial help to become
part of the in crowd, you've come to the right
place. Yes, it's time for Everything you ever wanted to ask
about sports but were afraid to
know.
The seminar today deals only with current
events:
Baseball. There's only one subject that matters in
baseball—whether or not Roger Maris' home run record will
fall this year. The conventional wisdom is that it will.
So, here's all you need to say whenever the subject comes
up: "The pitching is
so diluted now, and what with expansion, a player like Mark
McGwire will be hitting against some real
patsies."
Extra cliché
credit: Mention the thin air in Denver and Phoenix. Then
refer to the "El Niño effect." You can't go wrong
mentioning the weather in
1998.
Basketball. As in baseball, there's only one subject that matters
in basketball: Michael Jordan. Will the Chicago Bulls kiss
and make up with him, so that he returns next season?
Nobody appears to have a clue, maybe even including Michael
Jordan
himself, so all you have to do to be part of this
intelligent sports discussion is express (a) amazement or
(b) outrage, or best of all, a combination thereof. As in:
"I can't believe that the Bulls will let Michael
go!"
Extra cliché
credit: Suggest that Jordan should end his career with the
Knicks in Madison Square Garden — but be sure to call the
Garden "the mecca of
basketball."
The Kentucky
Derby. Any year, all you have to say to sound
très knowledgeable about the Derby is: "We just don't know
if these young horses can go the Derby distance, do
we?"
Extra cliché
credit: Use the word "fire" as a verb. Say:
"It all depends on what horse can fire at the top of
the
stretch."
Hockey. You're off the hook. Wayne Gretzky has been eliminated
from the playoffs, so nobody will be talking hockey this
spring except in Québec, in French, and in Prague, in
Czech.
The NFL
Draft. Everybody knows that two quarterbacks—Peyton Manning
and Ryan Leaf—will be drafted one-two. All you have say is
either, "Leaf has the stronger arm—and that's
what wins games," or, "Manning sure has the
pedigree—and that's what
counts in the red
zone."
Extra cliché
credit: Declare, "I always say: draft the best athlete,
regardless of position." If you feel
really cocky, declare, "I always say: draft the best
athlete,
irregardless of position"—the way real football
insiders
do.
OK, now all you sports un-fans are up to speed for the
spring. Be sure to tune in again this fall for another
edition of Everything you've always wanted to ask
about sports but were afraid to know, when you'll
learn how to discuss the baseball
playoffs by saying: "In a short series, anything can
happen."
These commentaries, which appear each Wednesday on National
Public Radio's Morning Edition, are posted weekly by
CNN/SI.
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