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Repent! The end is
Posted: Wed June 3, 1998
I called my broker today, and said: Sell. Sell everything, sell it all.
He said: Why? The market survived the Asian collapse on it's way to 10,000.
I said: No. Sometimes there are indications of ugly, wretched excess that are simply unmistakable. We have at last come to that point.
My broker said: What? What are the signs that finally enough is enough in these United States?
I said: Didn't you know? NBC and Time Warner are going to start another professional football league.
Yes! Sell! Screamed my broker.
Someday, when we look back, we will say: Yes, there it was, when they started a second professional football league.
I called my preacher today, and said: May I come pray with you?
He said: Why?
I said: Because obviously, we have a sign that it is the end of the world.
He said: No, no, you don't have to worry. The asteroid will miss us by many thousands of miles.
I said: No, didn't you know? NBC and Time Warner are going to start another professional football league.
My preacher said: You're right. It is the end of the world. Let us all, immediately fall to our knees, and ask God to bless America.
Someday, when we look back, we will say: Judgment Day was upon us the moment they decided we needed another professional football league.
I called Kenneth Starr, the independent counsel, and said: Did you know, Mr. Starr, that the United States of America is going to hell?
He said: Of course, that's what I've been working on all these years.
I said: No, no, no. Not Monica Lewinsky. Not Whitewater. Not Chinese influence peddlers. There is going to be a second professional football league in America.
Kenneth Starr said: Oh my God, why didn't you tell me about such a terrible thing. Our country will never survive this. Even I'm not up to this. We need a new independent counsel.
I called my marriage counselor. I said: Help me.
She said: But it's O.K., you and the little woman got over the hump.
I said: No, you don't understand. NBC and Time Warner are going to start another professional football league, and ...
No! No! Screamed the marriage counselor. That means Tuesday Night Football. The institution of marriage in America will never survive.
The marriage counselor promptly gave up, went out of business and became a bookie instead.
I called my travel agent, and said: Get me the next plane out.
She said: Where?
I said: Anywhere. Haven't you heard? NBC and Time Warner are starting another professional football league. The republic is doomed.
She said: Would you prefer Bosnia or Rwanda?
I just said: Either one, as long as it's an aisle seat. Anywhere, anywhere just get me away from more pro football. Enough, enough...
I called up Jerry Seinfeld and said: Please come back to NBC. Don't you see what you have done?
He said: Sorry. I just bought the Tucson franchise.
These commentaries, which appear each Wednesday on National Public Radio's Morning Edition, are posted weekly by CNN/SI.
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