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Repent! The end is
near!
Posted: Wed June 3,
1998
I called my broker today, and said: Sell. Sell everything,
sell it
all.
He said: Why? The market survived the Asian collapse on
it's way to
10,000.
I
said: No. Sometimes there are indications of ugly, wretched
excess that are simply unmistakable. We have at last come
to that
point.
My broker said: What? What are the signs that finally
enough is enough in these United States?
I said: Didn't you know? NBC and Time Warner are going to
start another professional football
league.
Yes! Sell! Screamed my
broker.
Someday, when we look back, we will say: Yes, there it was,
when they started a second professional football
league.
I called my preacher today, and said: May I come pray with
you?
He said:
Why?
I said: Because obviously, we have a sign that it is the
end of the
world.
He said: No, no, you don't have to worry. The asteroid
will miss us by many thousands of
miles.
I said: No, didn't you know? NBC and Time Warner are going
to start another professional football
league.
My preacher said: You're right. It
is the end of the world. Let us all, immediately fall to our
knees, and ask God to bless
America.
Someday, when we look back, we will say: Judgment Day was
upon us the moment they decided we needed another
professional football
league.
I called Kenneth Starr, the independent counsel, and said:
Did you know, Mr. Starr, that the United States of America
is going to
hell?
He
said: Of course, that's what I've been working on all these
years.
I
said: No, no, no. Not Monica Lewinsky. Not Whitewater. Not
Chinese influence peddlers. There is going to be a second
professional football league in
America.
Kenneth Starr said: Oh my God, why didn't you tell me about
such a terrible thing. Our country will never survive this.
Even I'm not up to this. We need a new independent
counsel.
I called my marriage counselor. I said: Help
me.
She said: But it's O.K., you and the little woman got over
the
hump.
I said: No, you don't understand. NBC and Time Warner are
going to start another professional football league, and
...
No! No! Screamed the marriage counselor. That means
Tuesday Night Football. The institution of marriage in America
will never
survive.
The marriage counselor promptly gave up, went out of
business and became a bookie
instead.
I called my travel agent, and
said: Get me the next plane
out.
She said:
Where?
I
said: Anywhere. Haven't you heard? NBC and Time Warner are
starting another professional football league. The republic
is
doomed.
She said: Would you prefer Bosnia or
Rwanda?
I just said: Either one, as long as it's an aisle seat.
Anywhere, anywhere just get me away from more pro football.
Enough,
enough...
I called up Jerry Seinfeld and said: Please come back to
NBC. Don't you see what you have
done?
He said: Sorry. I just bought the Tucson
franchise.
These commentaries, which appear each Wednesday on National
Public Radio's Morning Edition, are posted weekly by
CNN/SI.
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