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Politically motivated
Posted: Wednesday November 11, 1998 12:07 PM
Inasmuch as it's all a game, and it's the day after the
midterm elections, I thought this would be the proper time
to imagine what our most familiar political heroes would be
if they were in sports. For
example:
Al
Gore would be wearing earphones and hoping, finally, for his
chance as the backup quarterback for the Tennessee
Oilers.
Ken
Starr would be an umpire with a very large strike
zone.
Jesse Helms
would be Juan Antonio
Samaranch.
Bob Dole
would be Sammy Sosa. Politics been berry, berry good to
me.
Colin
Powell would be Michael Jordan. Except, if Michael Jordan comes
back and plays again,
then:
John
Glenn would be Michael
Jordan.
Rudolph Giuliani
would be George Steinbrenner. But you already knew
that.
George W.
Bush would be president of the Texas
Rangers.
Monica
Lewinsky would be Anna
Kournikova.
Trent
Lott would be a nondescript offensive lineman who nobody
notices till he's caught
holding.
Tom Daschle
would be a soccer player nobody notices in a soccer league
nobody knows
exists.
Ross Perot
would be Dennis
Rodman.
Madeleine
Albright would be Bud Selig. No, excuse me:
Warren Christopher
was Bud
Selig.
Orrin
Hatch would be the perfectly exquisite drum major, leading the
band at halftime.
James Carville
would be Hulk
Hogan.
Mary
Matalin would be Stone Cold Steve
Austin.
Bill Bradley
would be Mike Tyson's next opponent. Well, maybe, perhaps,
if,
possibly...
George
Mitchell would be the referee in Mike Tyson's next
fight.
Bill
Clinton , comeback kid, would be Mike Tyson, comeback
kid.
Hillary
Clinton would be Don King, promoting Mike Tyson's next fight,
whoever he
fights.
Pat Buchanan
would be the Daytona
500.
Dan
Quayle would be spring
training.
Ted
Kennedy would be the left-field wall at Fenway Park.
Strom
Thurmond thinks he would be Cal Ripken, but, really, he would be
George
Foreman.
Dick Gephardt
would be Pete
Sampras.
Newt Gingrich
would be Andre
Agassi.
Vernon Jordan
would be
Nike.
And everybody else in politics would be free agents,
dreaming that they're Mark
McGwire.
These commentaries, which appear each Wednesday on National Public Radio's Morning Edition, are posted weekly by CNN/SI.
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