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Posted: Wednesday November 11, 1998 12:07 PM
Inasmuch as it's all a game, and it's the day after the midterm elections, I thought this would be the proper time to imagine what our most familiar political heroes would be if they were in sports. For example:
Al Gore would be wearing earphones and hoping, finally, for his chance as the backup quarterback for the Tennessee Oilers.
Ken Starr would be an umpire with a very large strike zone.
Jesse Helms would be Juan Antonio Samaranch.
Bob Dole would be Sammy Sosa. Politics been berry, berry good to me.
Colin Powell would be Michael Jordan. Except, if Michael Jordan comes back and plays again, then:
John Glenn would be Michael Jordan.
Rudolph Giuliani would be George Steinbrenner. But you already knew that.
George W. Bush would be president of the Texas Rangers.
Monica Lewinsky would be Anna Kournikova.
Trent Lott would be a nondescript offensive lineman who nobody notices till he's caught holding.
Tom Daschle would be a soccer player nobody notices in a soccer league nobody knows exists.
Ross Perot would be Dennis Rodman.
Madeleine Albright would be Bud Selig. No, excuse me: Warren Christopher was Bud Selig.
Orrin Hatch would be the perfectly exquisite drum major, leading the band at halftime.
James Carville would be Hulk Hogan.
Mary Matalin would be Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Bill Bradley would be Mike Tyson's next opponent. Well, maybe, perhaps, if, possibly...
George Mitchell would be the referee in Mike Tyson's next fight.
Bill Clinton , comeback kid, would be Mike Tyson, comeback kid.
Hillary Clinton would be Don King, promoting Mike Tyson's next fight, whoever he fights.
Pat Buchanan would be the Daytona 500.
Dan Quayle would be spring training.
Ted Kennedy would be the left-field wall at Fenway Park.
Strom Thurmond thinks he would be Cal Ripken, but, really, he would be George Foreman.
Dick Gephardt would be Pete Sampras.
Newt Gingrich would be Andre Agassi.
Vernon Jordan would be Nike.
And everybody else in politics would be free agents, dreaming that they're Mark McGwire.
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