|
We need more sit-down guys
Posted: Wednesday November 18, 1998 11:38 AM
One of the earliest stupid jokes I remember was:
Why do they call it a grand-stand if everybody there sits?
Well, yeah, but this really isn't true anymore. There are
more and more stand-up guys in our
stadiums.
I mean, the best rude request in America was always:
"Down in front!" Even in a more civil society,
that was all right, because whoever was standing up and
blocking everybody else's view deserved such coarse
censure. Nowadays, though, if one person
stands up thoughtlessly at a ball game, nobody screams
"Down in front!" Instead, everybody else just
stands up, too. They think it must be
stylish.
The end result of this dreadful trend is that now, at
baseball games, there's a tendency for the whole stadium to
stand up when some pitcher merely gets two strikes on a
batter. This completely devalues the principle of standing
up, which should be
reserved only for the most unique accomplishments. (And by the
way, I've begun to observe this same sort of cheapening of
acclaim in the theater now, too. Patrons give standing
ovations at any ordinary curtain
call.)
I think this promiscuous laud-and-honor may be accounted
for because tickets are so expensive now that anybody who
goes to an arena or a theater wants to convince themselves
that they've been rewarded with something very
special—when, in fact, it's just
another everyday strikeout or some run-of-the-mill
acting.
But worse: The standing up is not just in the stands.
Football substitutes rarely sit down anymore. They roam
the sidelines aimlessly, like mobs of refugees. Even when
they're on the field nowadays, football players don't sit
down for a timeout. In
fact, nobody calls timeouts anymore just to give everybody
... well, time out. No, timeouts now are just longer
strategic planning sessions. Is it macho for football
players to stay on their feet?
Hey, baseball and basketball—even rough, tough hockey
players—use the bench for what God made it for, which
is to sit on. I do have one objection, though. When
hockey players go to the penalty box, they sit there, too.
I think these offenders should
be obliged to remain on their feet, like bad little
schoolchildren, when those whippersnappers are ordered to
go to stand in the corner. Then there wouldn't be as many
hockey
penalties.
Professional golfers, of course, never get to take a load
off their feet—which was why the hardcore purists were
so upset when Casey Martin petitioned to ride his cart.
But tennis players take a sit-down break every two games,
and boxers plop down on
their personal stool after each and every round. Boxers
never sit down at the end of a fight, though, because they
want to make the judges think that they haven't been the
least bit hurt ... or even winded. After the bell, they
idiotically bounce all
around and keep shadow-boxing, like a chicken that still flops
about with its head cut off.
I say: Hey, stay on your stool. I believe that it's
perfectly manly and tasteful to sit when you are not
playing in the game, and to keep your seat when you are
watching the game—raising up off your derriere only
when you are presented with the most
extraordinary achievement. Otherwise, will you join with me
now in a rousing shout of: "DOWN IN
FRONT!"
These commentaries, which appear each Wednesday on National Public Radio's Morning Edition, are posted weekly by CNN/SI.
|
