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Calling all sports dorks
Posted: Thursday November 05, 1998 01:30 PM
I think we can all agree that the world of sports is
severely screwed up. The NBA lockout, Mike Tyson, national
championships decided by computers, hockey in Nashville,
Kerry Collins, columnists taunting fans with derogatory
signs, $91 million for a
catcher, marching band fights, the bastardization of Title IX,
you name it -- things are bad, folks.
But what we all need to realize is that part of the problem
is us. That's right, part of the problem is the
never-ending stream of sports dorks who fill the stands,
the airwaves and, I'll say it for you, the Internet. With
that in mind, I've created a
list of warning signs to help you identify and weed out the
sports dorks among
us.
All right, let's get
started:
If you are over the age of 13 and have recently asked an
athlete for an
autograph , you are a sports dork.
If you are a grown man and have used the line "It's
for my
kid," you are a sports dorkasaurus. Please go
away.
If you wear one of those rings that commemorates a sports
championship that you had nothing to do
with , yep, you're a sports
dork.
If you've ever uttered the phrase "First time,
longtime ... O.K. I'm gonna hang up now and listen to your
answer," you are a sports dork and -- I'll let you in on a little
secret
-- so are the guys you listen to on the radio.
If you've ever consumed wine during a sporting
event , hand over your passport, 'cause I need to stamp it with
Dorkville,
USA.
If you refer to any sports team other than your alma mater
as "We," if you have painted your face before a
game or repeated one of those stupid catch-phrases every
cheesy, blow-dried sportscaster seems to be screaming at us
these
days , you are a sports dork
-- seek
help.
If you became a fan of the Chicago Bulls, Green Bay
Packers, Cleveland Indians or Detroit Red Wings after
1987 , get away from me, I don't want to catch your
dorkitis.
If you have ever left the golf course without paying off
your debts or taken more than one practice swing with
people
waiting , you are a sports dork and I hope you chili-dip your next
drive through the front window of a Waterford crystal
store.
If you were too busy playing the clarinet in high school
and therefore missed out on athletics and now, as an adult,
take recreational sports so seriously you ruin the games
for the rest of
us , well, then, nothing has changed—now you're just a
sports dork with a
mortgage.
If you've never seen the movie
Slap
Shot , you are a krod strops spelled
backward.
If you have ever worn a baseball hat in public without
first working the brim a
bit , you
-- along with Bobby Ross, every race-car driver on the planet
and every player on the pro golf tour -- are a sports
dork.
Does your credit card have a football helmet on it? Have
you ever dined at an All-Star Cafe?
I don't even need to say it, do
I?
If you've ever gambled on women's
athletics you are a -- no, wait a sec, if this is true you've got
bigger
problems.
If you own one piece of underwear, one tie, or more than
five pieces of clothing with a team logo on
it , it's nice to meet you, Dan
Dierdork.
I f you've ever raised your voice at a children's sporting
event , check yourself into the Betty Dork
Clinic.
While playing pickup basketball have you ever told a
teammate to
"D-up"? If so, then you should play for the New Dork
Knicks.
Ever worn a Speedo, spandex or tank top in public or run in
those awful tiny lightweight
shorts? If so, then you and Mork are sports dorks from
Ork.
If you've ever yelled at an athlete during a game because
he was screwing up your fantasy-team
stats , sorry, pal, you are a sports dork. This is gonna hurt,
but let's face it,
just being involved in a fantasy league in the first
place means you're renting in a dork co-op with an option to
buy.
In fact, if you are so caught up in stats, scores,
standings and status that you have become blind to the
infrequent yet extraordinary displays of the human spirit
in
athletics , you're a first-ballot lock for the Sports Dork Hall of
Fame.
If you don't mind, I think I'll skip the induction
ceremony.
Do you know a sports dork who falls into a different category? Click here to tell Flem about it, or address the mail
yourself:
flemfile@aol.com.
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