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The QB-ratings game
Posted: Thursday January 07, 1999 02:34 PM
Good morning students, and welcome to the study-help session for Stupid Stats
101. Those of you who have been awake during the past semester -- yes, I'm
speaking directly to you, Mr. Fleming -- will note that your final exam
consists of calculating just one sports stat: that dreaded, ugly, nasty NFL
quarterback
rating.
Before we begin, let's look back at our syllabus and review the stats we've
already studied. OK, there's hockey's goals-against average , which is
calculated by multiplying the number of goals allowed by 60 and then dividing by
the total number of minutes played. And who can tell me the formula for
baseball's ERA ? Hmmm. Bueller? Bueller? Anyone? It's earned runs, times
nine, divided by innings
pitched.
Remember you won't be responsible for any NBA stats because, well, that league
doesn't exist anymore.
Also, people, let's just skip right over the section on the Bowl Championship
Series. Let me just say this: I wish whoever came up with that equation
would put his Spock ears back on, say goodbye to his parents upstairs and beam
himself to another planet where the only sports are synchronized swimming and
Ping Pong.
With that out of the way, let's begin.
(Mr. Fleming and the two gentlemen in the back dressed in black-and-white
striped shirts and white pants, please wake
up!)
OK, on to the NFL's quarterback rating, the granddaddy of all stupid-ass stats.
This is a prime example of how some guy wearing Coke-bottle glasses, a pocket
protector and white socks can sit in a cubicle deep inside the NFL offices and
extract his revenge on the rest of the coordinated, dandruff-free world. But you
must know it to pass this class. Now, the basic elements you should use to
measure a quarterback are all in this system: Completion percentage, average
yards gained, percent of TD passes and interceptions per attempt. Simple, right?
Just add 'em up and give us a number. That's basically what the NCAA
does.
Not the NFL, however. To figure out an NFL passer's rating you must take these
four elements and do the following simple 10 steps. Unless, of course, you are
Bobby Hoying and can figure out your own rating using your fingers and toes.
Everyone else will need a calculator, or IBM's Deep Blue, if you have access to
it. Now, I know I'm just a quirky, free-thinking college professor in worn-out
corduroys and a turtleneck, but I swear, this is the actual formula the NFL
uses:
1) First, take the player's completion percentage, subtract 30 and multiply by
point-oh-five. If the number falls between 0 and 2.375 the player gets that
number. If you get a number less than zero the player (in most cases, Ryan
Leaf ) gets nothing and if you get a number greater than 2.375 the player is
awarded
2.375.
2) Then, take total yards passing, divide by attempts and then subtract three
from that number and multiply the result by point-two-five. Again, if you get
zero or less give the player nothing, and if you come up with 2.375 the player
gets
2.375.
3) Take a deep breath, rub your temples, consider giving up on the NFL to enjoy
something less complicated -- like breaking missile-launch codes or figuring out
what the meat is in the cafeteria on
Wednesdays.
4) Take the number of TD passes divided by attempts and multiply by point-two.
Again, if you get a number greater than 2.375, realize that you are not
calculating Kordell Stewart 's stats and give
2.375.
5) Divide the number of interceptions by passing attempts and multiply that
number by point-two-five and then subtract the result from 2.375.
6) Add the four numbers
together.
7) At this point the NFL referees in the back of the auditorium can just stop
calculating and hand in their papers. Accuracy, shmaccuracy, right
guys?
8) Divide by
six.
9) Yell at the cat. This doesn't have anything to do with the QB rating -- I
just don't like
cats.
10) Finally, multiply by
100.
You did it! You're done! You actually figured out how to calculate an NFL
quarterback rating. Congratulations. Good luck on the final. Oh, by the way,
it's now March. The season -- and the semester -- ended two months
ago.
Spanning the strange and wonderful world of sports, the Flem File has visited
a nudist colony, investigated nasal strips, tried out for the Olympic bobsled
team and endured injury and humiliation at the NFL Experience. What, or who,
should we riff on next week? If you've got a suggestion, a comment or a
question, don't just sit there, bring it on! Click here to send an e-mail to
Flem, or address it yourself: flemfile@aol.com.
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