Power of Caring
  presented by CIGNA

 

Hey, kids! Next time you're in serious doo-doo, do what big leaguers do: Deny, alibi and justify! It's easy with this handy annotated excuse card! Just cut it out, keep it in your pocket and use it the next time the heat's on you! I didn't do anything wrong.1 I was taking allergy medication.2 I don't think I was inflicting any danger on myself or others on the road. I was feeling fine.... I don't think I failed the tests.3 Don't forget, I'm 60 years old.4 I was sleepy, very sleepy. Plus, I was very dazed by the accident.5 Besides, how am I supposed to walk a straight line with my recurrent knee injury?6 I was harassed by the police, the whole nine yards.7 The police arrested me to cover up their own negligence.8 The officer disrespected me in front of my peers.9 I didn't do any. It was just the significant amount of time that I spend (around) marijuana users.10 I did send him information.... That's all I sent.... But there was no drugs in it.11 It's all lies.... There was some high jinks going on. Partying.12 I was told it was a good place to get a deep-tissue massage.13 Actually, I'm shocked and amazed to be arrested at all in this matter.14 And these handcuffs are scratching my Rolex.15 They were flimsy, anyway. All you had to do was sit on them, and they'd break.16 Plus, I'm overweight. I put on a lot of weight in the off-season, and it makes me unstable.17 This is character assassination ... false assumptions, misrepresentations and innuendos.18 This is the greatest travesty I've ever seen.19 I've been verbally abused.20 Even if I did do this, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?21 Well, that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.22

¹Anaheim Mighty Ducks defenseman Dmitri Mironov after swearing at a referee, smashing his stick, nearly hitting an official and getting a game misconduct penalty.

²Boston Red Sox outfielder Mo Vaughn's reason, stated by his lawyer, for failing eight sobriety tests (when asked to recite the alphabet, he couldn't get past P) and refusing to take a Breathalyzer during an arrest for drunken driving.

³New York Mets outfielder Bernard Gilkey, when asked about a police report on his DWI arrest. According to the report, he swayed from side to side during sobriety tests and, when told to close his eyes and bring his outstretched finger to his nose, hit his mouth.

⁴Dallas Cowboys coach Barry Switzer on how he could've forgotten he was carrying a loaded revolver when he passed through an airport security check.

⁵More reasons given by Vaughn's lawyer for the failed sobriety tests.

⁶Another reason Vaughn's lawyer gave for the failed sobriety tests.

⁷Cincinnati Bengals running back Corey Dillon after being arrested for DUI, driving with a suspended license, running over a curb, refusing to take a field sobriety test and refusing to take a blood-alcohol test.

⁸Vaughn's lawyer's charge that the blame for Vaughn's crashing his pickup truck into an abandoned car should be laid on the Massachusetts state police for not having removed the car, which had broken down and been left on the highway shoulder for 13 hours. During that time thousands of other motorists had driven by it without incident.

⁹Philadelphia 76ers forward Derrick Coleman on his arrest for disorderly conduct at a Detroit nightclub. (Coleman's case ended in a mistrial.).

¹⁰Canadian Olympic officials' explanation for why snowboarding gold medalist Ross Rebagliati failed a test for marijuana in Nagano. Rebagliati said he hadn't smoked the weed in 10 months but probably tested positive because of inhaling second-hand smoke at a snowboarders' party.

¹¹Jerry Poe, a high school teammate of former Red Sox manager Butch Hobson, after Hobson was arrested with an overnight package from Poe containing two grams of cocaine.

¹²Agent for Charlotte Hornets power forward Anthony Mason, maintaining his client's innocence on statutory rape charges after an alleged night of sex with two teenage girls, one 14 and the other 15. Mason denies that the encounter took place.

¹³San Francisco 49ers wide receiver Jerry Rice after police found him in a massage parlor they suspect was used for prostitution.

¹⁴New England Patriots running back Dave Meggett's reaction, according to his lawyer, after being arrested on charges of sexual assault and robbery of a 33-year-old Toronto woman, who said Meggett continued to have sex with her after his condom broke and then "took back" some cash he had given her "as a gift."

¹⁵Meggett at the time of his arrest. He denies the assault and robbery charges.

¹⁶U.S. Olympic hockey player Jeremy Roenick, on the chairs that were damaged as part of the ransacking of three rooms by U.S. players at the Olympic Village in Nagano.

¹⁷More reasons Vaughn failed the sobriety tests, according to his lawyer. (Vaughn was acquitted of the drunken driving charge.)

¹⁸John Spano, prospective New York Islanders buyer, reacting to charges from team owners that he did not have sufficient capital to acquire the team. Spano would later plead guilty in federal court to four counts of fraud for using phony documents to inflate his net worth.

¹⁹Indiana basketball coach Bob Knight, after engaging in a long shouting match with and then being ejected by Big Ten referee Ted Valentine, who has worked three of the last four Final Fours.

²⁰Golden State Warriors guard Latrell Sprewell after choking his coach, P.J. Carlesimo, leaving the gym and then returning 20 minutes later and threatening to kill him.

²¹Hall of Fame running back O.J. Simpson on suspicions that he murdered his wife.

²²Former NFL receiver Alex Hawkins, who arrived home at 6 a.m. after a night of carousing but claimed that he had fallen asleep at midnight on the porch hammock, upon being told by his wife that she had removed the hammock two weeks earlier.

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Past Editions of Life of Reilly

Issue date: March 16, 1998