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Now, a Few Words from Reggie's
Maker
by Rick
Reilly
Posted: Tue March 31, 1998
Flipping
over to
SportsCenter, Green Bay Packers defensive end Reggie White can't help
notice that sitting in for Dan Patrick is
God.
Reggie, God
says.
White's eyes go big as
Frisbees.
Reggie, we gotta
talk.
Panicked, White looks at his wife, but she's
half-asleep.
She can't see me,
Reg.
Frenzied, White changes to Jerry Springer, but God is
there, too, ducking punches.
Reggie, what the hell are you thinking? I mean, really,
where'd you get some of this crazy
stuff?
White tries another channel, but God is there, too, hosting
Wheel of
Fortune. "Wh-wh-wh," White
stammers.
Buy a vowel, Reg. I mean, the things you expect people to
believe! You've told people that when you were a free agent
I talked you out of playing for San Francisco. You said,
"I heard God speak to me: 'Where did the head coach
and the offensive coordinator and the defensive coordinator
of Green Bay come from?' And I said, 'San Francisco.' And
He said, 'Well, I want you to go to Green
Bay.'" What am I, your agent? Do you think I have time to worry
about where you get paid to knock people stupid? I have
other things on my mind. Does the word
Rwanda mean anything to
you?
White flips over to
Seinfeld. God is getting a
Snapple.
And the stuff you said last week when you were invited to
speak to the Wisconsin State Assembly! I almost choked on a
fig! You said whites enslaved blacks instead of American
Indians because the Indians "knew the territory and
knew how to sneak up on people." Is that how they
ended up penned in on reservations? Where'd you go to
school, Reg, Fresno State?
Then you said Asians are inventive and "can turn a
television into a watch." Sure, Reg. Every Asian I
make comes out of the womb and starts taking apart the
incubator. You
do wear your helmet when you go out there,
right?
White flips over to Telemundo. God is making an
omelette.
You said Hispanic people are great at putting "20, 30
people in one home." Like Hispanics are all just dying
to get into the
Guinness Book of World
Records. What I don't get, Reg, is how somebody always barking
about racism can be so racist
himself.
"I was
only...."
What was the Assembly thinking, asking you to speak anyway?
Just because I make a guy big enough to body-slam a string
quartet doesn't make him Winston
Churchill.
Petrified, White flips the TV off, but God's face still
fills the
screen.
Then you said all these races "form a complete image
of God." Reggie, do you have any idea how sick I get
of people telling me what I look like, what I think and
what I want? You can't even understand junior high history,
let alone
me.
White runs for his Suburban and peels out, but God is on
the
hip-hop
station.
What about all that junk you told the media before Super
Bowl XXXI? You said the reason Jesus was crucified is
because he messed up the economy. "He started healing
people, and the doctors got mad," you said. "He
started raising people from the dead, the funeral home
people got ticked." And when he multiplied the loaves
and fishes, Red Lobster sued,
right?
"It's in the
Bible!"
That's another thing. When I gave you the Bible, I never
dreamed it'd be the only book you'd ever read. We put it
together 2,000 years ago, Reg! Do you know the Bible has
been edited and rewritten by different factions dozens of
times, often for their own political ends? You quote it as
if it just hit the shelves on
Thursday!
There are sirens and flashing lights behind the Suburban
now.
Also, there was that time you spoke at an inner-city high
school in
Knoxville and proudly admitted you beat your kids! You said, "I
make sure every time they get out of line, they get 42
inches." You think this makes me happy, Reg? A
300-pound defensive end beating a kid with a belt? You
think I like people treating my most precious gifts like
that?
Trembling, White pulls over. A policeman walks up. It's
God, holding a basketball. White rolls down his window.
Look, just tackle people, do good deeds and shut up, O.K.,
Reg?
Terrified, White nods.
Now, I need a favor. Can you get me Michael Jordan's
autograph? My
Son's a huge
fan.
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Past Editions of Life of Reilly
Issue date: April 6, 1998
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