Power of Caring
  presented by CIGNA

by Rick Reilly

Posted: Tue April 7, 1998

Turned 40 recently. Asked what I wanted, I said, "The Perfect Day."

6 a.m.—Alarm rings.

6:01—Smash alarm with two-iron.

9:15—Wake up on own.

9:16—Reintroduce self to Heather Locklear.

9:20—Gabrielle Reece brings breakfast in bed—wearing only sports page.

9:21—Open sports page.

10:21—Read sports page. See that Bobby Knight and Albert Belle hospitalized after freak revolving-door accident.

10:30—Enjoy wholesome breakfast of BBQ chicken wings, chili-cheese fries and Guinness. Forget to eat anything good for colon.

10:42—Wipe face on guest towels.

10:43—Forget to do crunches. Forget to shave. Take one-hour shower.

11:53—Put on fleece sweatpants, favorite ratty Valparaiso sweatshirt and prized BUFFALO BILLS WORLD CHAMPS hat.

11:55—Dealership delivers silver Porsche Boxster. Custom set of Callaways in trunk. Vertebra-snappingly gorgeous redheaded caddie riding shotgun.

12:01 p.m.—World Cup canceled.

12:20—Exhilarating drive to airport on state highway patrols' National Give a Warning Day.

12:30—Board private Gulfstream V for flight to Cypress Point Golf Club. Met on board by commissioners of major pro leagues.

1:05—Satisfying accords reached onboard: Patrick Ewing to be called for traveling every time he touches ball, clichéd dumping of Gatorade on NFL coaches outlawed, bicuspid-bashing goons banned from NHL but made mandatory at major league baseball owners' meetings. Commissioners praise wisdom, parachute out.

1:37—Track canceled.

1:38—Field canceled.

1:55—Greeted at airport by Cypress Point chairman, who compliments me on adhering to club's new no-collared-shirt rule.

2:00—Lunch of BBQ wings, chili-cheese fries and Guinness.

2:08—Wipe face on club blazer of nearby member.

2:30—Enjoy leisurely warmup. Certain rich cablinasian pays up on long-drive contest.

2:45—Tee off with Sultan of Brunei, Bill Gates and Tom Lehman. Tom and I agree to take bastard sandbaggers on, $100,000 a hole, straight up, except Tom gets one floating mulligan on par-5s.

2:47—Katarina Witt and entire cast from Hooters on Ice drive up in golf cart and ask if we need anything from their roving, complimentary, single-malt-scotch bar.

4:15—After playing front nine in 90 minutes and 35 shots, agree to let Sultan and Microchip Boy press the back.

6:00—Sign for satisfying 64, highlighted by aces on tricky 15th and 16th. Score qualifies for this week's Masters.

6:05—Bets settled, I graciously buy a beer for losers to share. Sultan leaves somewhat abruptly but not before signing over deed to Florida panhandle.

6:10—Plane departs. Lawrence Phillips sucked into engine upon takeoff.

6:15—On flight back caddie gives relaxing casaba-oil massage; then a nap.

7:30—Arrive refreshed in Seattle for Bulls-Sonics game. Get seated courtside between Alan Greenspan and Warren Buffett, who exchange insider stock tips.

8:01—Bryant Gumbel canceled.

8:45—Have lucky seat number, swish million-dollar half-court shot, sign 10-day Bulls contract and suit up immediately.

9:57—Make move that twists Gary Payton into Picasso painting, then nail jumper to win game.

10:45—Dinner with Michael Ovitz, who interrupts enjoyment of BBQ wings, chili-cheese fries and Guinness with plan for multimillion-dollar Bic pen endorsement.

11:01—Wipe face on Ovitz's Joseph Abboud suit.

11:05—Meet Charles Barkley for postgame relaxation.

11:06—Barkley graciously allows me to throw first fan through plate-glass window.

1 a.m.—Swimsuit model Heidi Klum begins foot massage in par-5-length limo, suggests strip poker. She's not holding any cards.

2:30—Discover 432 unpublished columns by Damon Runyon in bottom dresser drawer.

2:35—Watch highlights of Pat Riley going bald in single day.

2:36—Forget to floss.

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Past Editions of Life of Reilly

Issue date: April 13, 1998