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It's Your Life, but I'm Keeping Score
Posted: Tuesday November 03, 1998 10:55 AM
There's
the official points system. No substitutions, please. First
to 1,000
wins.
You meet heavyweight champ Evander Holyfield
(+10).
You meet heavyweight champ Evander Holyfield because he's
in bed with your girlfriend (-30)
...
... and you
still ask for his autograph
(-50).
You beat the blue Ford to the best parking place
(+2).
You beat the blue Ford to the best parking place by driving
188 mph (+20)
...
... at the Daytona 500
(+50).
You make a hole in one
(+25).
You make a hole in one by skulling a driver on a 55-yard
par 3 (+15)
...
... but only after banking it off the ball washer, an elm and
a 1977 Toyota Corolla
(+1).
You never once violate the 24-second clock (+5)
...
... on your honeymoon
(-25).
As a defensive end you get within spitting distance of John
Elway several times in a game
(+10).
You get within spitting distance of Hardy Nickerson several
times in a game
(-10).
Your 22-year-old son finally wins a national title (+40)
...
... at the College Cheerleading Championships
(-10).
Everybody else at your table is losing at poker
(+5).
Everybody else at your table is losing at strip poker
(+25).
Everybody else at your table is losing at strip poker and
is a member of the Danish Olympic lap-dancing team
(+50).
You'd die to win an Olympic gold medal
(0).
You did die to win an Olympic gold medal
(0).
You were the first pick in the 1968 NBA draft
(0).
You were the first pick in the 1988 NBA draft
(+50).
You were the first pick in the 1998 NBA draft
(-100).
You have three doubles and a triple before the seventh
inning (+10).
You have three doubles and a triple before the 5th hole
(-20).
You have three doubles and a triple before work
(-50).
Somehow you've gotten yourself into a match of wits, and
the loser has to commit hara-kiri with a
Ginsu knife (-100)
...
... but your opponent is Bruce Bochy
(+100).
Subtract 5 points for every Beanie Baby Night you
attended.
Subtract 25 points for every Beanie Baby Night you attended
without telling your eight-year-old
daughter.
Subtract 50 points for every Beanie Baby you keep under
your
pillow.
You dance naked, scream wildly and spray champagne after
winning the title (+22)
...
... in your fantasy football league (-10)
...
... and you're home alone
(-30).
You take three Emmys (+40)
...
... but they tackle you sprinting for the exit
(-30).
You go to a tennis match (+1)
...
... curvy Russian star Anna Kournikova recognizes you in the
huge center court crowd (+30)
...
... and immediately calls security
(-50).
You win your sixth NBA title (+125)
...
... against the Utah Jazz
(0).
You work out daily
(+20).
You shovel the snow off your own driveway
(+10).
You use a snowblower and then drive 10 miles to a health
club to work out on the snow shoveling machine
(-10).
You dunk nine times, throw lots of nasty elbows and heave
your shirt into the crowd before you're finally tossed out
(+20)
...
... of Krispy Kreme
(-20).
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