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The Blind Leading the Blind
Posted: Tuesday December 15, 1998 11:45 AM
Wrong, wrong, wrong. If you're one of those Spam-brained, slack-jawed geniuses
who want instant replay back next year, you're not just wrong, you're Hoover Dam
wrong. We need it back
now.
I mean right now. I mean this weekend. I mean as soon as humanly
possible, if not
sooner.
Let me ask you something. How would you feel if they rolled you into the
operating room for brain surgery and the chief surgeon said, "Well, Mr.
Crumb, we have in this room all the latest, most expensive technology to perform
this delicate operation safely and effectively. Unfortunately, we're not going
to use any of it. Nurse, the leeches,
please."
That's how NFL players feel. They're out there acquiring permanent limps,
leaving their spleens on the field, only to have the games decided at the end by
a lot of fully paid-up AARP members who can't wait to get together after the
game and gum a nice bowl of creamed corn.
Now, a quick message to some of our friends out there who are NFL referees:
RED GRANGE HAS RETIRED. PLEASE REPORT TO
THE RESTFUL ACRES SENIORS COMMUNITY
IMMEDIATELY.
In a kind of Terrible Triple Crown, NFL refs may have cost three teams spots in
the playoffs in the last few weeks. There was 1) Holy Ghost, the phantom end
zone pass interference call by back judge José Feliciano that cost the
Bills their game against the Patriots; 2) Tailsgate, in which head referee
Marlee Matlin botched the overtime coin flip that cost the Steelers in their
game against the Lions; and 3) Weak Sneak, the touchdown call line judge Stevie
Wonder gift wrapped for Vinny Testaverde on Sunday that cost the Seahawks their
game against the Jets. (Somebody keep an eye on the Meadowlands and call us when
Testaverde finally gets that ball over the line.)
Yo, Paul Tagliabue! If you really are the commissioner of the NFL and not
just a cadaver holding down limo-seat springs, you'll declare a leaguewide
emergency and give us instant replay this weekend. You'll put a replay official
in a room by himself at every stadium, give him every angle the network has and
let him save your
game.
Anytime the replay official sees something a little questionable—for
instance, a back judge's calling film critic Rex Reed for pass
interference—he just radios the referee and says, "Uh, hold up a
second while I give this a little look-see." No sideline monitors. No
coach's challenges. No whining over what's reviewable. Guess what? Everything's
reviewable, up to and including Tagliabue's
job.
It doesn't have to be complicated. It doesn't have to be the Nuremberg trials.
It isn't in hockey. The NHL just puts a man in a booth with his dozen favorite
monitors. He sees something screwy, and he phones down and says, "Hang on,
eh?" It usually takes about a minute and has the added advantage of being
the correct call. Imagine
that.
While you're at it, Tags, you need
to...
1) Rewrite the pass interference rules. NFL officials don't know pass
interference from right on red anymore. From now on, you bump a receiver,
anytime, even in the parking lot, it's pass interference. Simple.
2) Dump NFL director of officiating Jerry Seeman. Ever since promoting Seeman in
1990 the league has gone through more bright-yellow laundry than La Cage aux
Folles. Average penalty yards per game is up 25% since he took over. He's
such a drill sergeant on midweek review that shivering refs are
throwing hankies at sneezes just to be on the safe side.
3) Get some leadership on the field. Seeman has his refs standing 12 to 14 yards
behind the line of scrimmage, which is a wonderful place from which to heave
your hankie but a lousy place to control a game involving 22 men, none of whom
have been to a cotillion. Kansas City's Derrick Thomas was flagged for three
personal fouls on one drive this season and wasn't thrown out. What does
he have to do, start up the chain
saw?
Look, officiating in the NFL during the 1990s isn't easy. Most of the time it's
like standing on the side of a freeway trying to I.D. the vegetable stuck
between the incisors of a woman in a passing Ferrari. Even if the league goes to
younger refs (it should) and full-time refs (it should), the job will still be a
bitch. Why, then, do we let every man, woman and child in America have instant
replay except the people who need it
most?
Issue date: December 14, 1998
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