|
Locked In with NBA Players
Posted: Tuesday December 22, 1998 11:58 AM
I'll take a few questions now.
Yes?
Q: Is it true that last week you conned your way into a pickup game with
Shaquille O'Neal, Antonio McDyess and other NBA
stars?
A:
Yes.
Q: Which did it involve, cash payments or incriminating
photographs?
A: Neither. It was just me and some of my homies—Shaq, Dice, the Wizards'
Otis Thorpe, the 76ers' Mark Davis, former NBA standout Rodney McCray, guys like
that.
Q: Is it true that you wore your geeky Ivy League glasses and test-pattern
shorts? And your watch, for god's
sake?
A: Only so the paramedics would be able to affix time of
death.
Q: Why in the name of all that is good and decent in the world did they let
you
play?
A: Because I
asked.
Q: You
asked?
A: Sure. Because of the NBA lockout, I had heard, a lot of stars were hangin' at
the Westside Tennis Club in Houston, where the Rockets usually practice. So I
asked the club president if I could play, and he said, "O.K., but only for
the first 10 minutes when the pros are still kind of warming up. That way
there's a chance you might not get
killed."
Q: Did
you?
A: Well, I admit, on the first trip down I did an unwise thing: I tried to set a
pick for Shaq on the 6'9", 250-pound McDyess. But I was only without breath
for maybe 75 to 90 seconds,
tops.
Q: Whom did you
guard?
A: I didn't know him, but I assumed he was either a lottery pick or a
college star from the
area.
Q: You got smoked by a complete nobody, didn't
you?
A: Like a trout. He turned out to be 27-year-old Ramone Veal, who, while
never having been in the NBA, did play in the pro leagues of Colombia, where I'm
guessing that he was a living
legend.
Q: What's this about you gagging a wide-open 15-foot
jumper?
A: Does anyone else have a
question?
Q: I'm the only one
here.
A: Yes, it's true, but, philosophically, can any jumper truly be considered
"wide open" when you're being guarded by a Colombian living
legend?
Q: I heard you blew an alley-oop pass,
too.
A: O.K., Shaq made this great block and fired an outlet to me. Out of the corner
of my eye, I saw a teammate streaking toward the hoop. Now, in my usual game at
the Y, we do not get a lot of chances to throw alley-oops. Dr. Manny Glickstein,
the urologist, generally can't get that high, and certainly not Father Casey.
So, I thought, why not? I lofted a perfect pass only to find that the streaking
player was the Jazz's Chris Morris, who, while a wonderful shooter, would not be
considered a leaper in a herd of elephants. He couldn't quite reach my pass and
instead only batted it off the glass with his
fingertips.
Q: You airmailed the poor
guy.
A: Yes. So now the ball is loose, right? What do I do? I swoop in, rebound it,
blow past Timberwolves guard Stephon Marbury like he's a YIELD sign and kiss it sweetly off the glass for
two.
Q: You blew past Stephon
Marbury.
A: Yes, in the sense that he was sitting in a chair under the basket support.
Still, the fact remains, my career NBA lockout line reads: 10 minutes played,
.500 shooting percentage and one rebound. Plus, I outscored Shaq, who had zero
points during my
stint.
Q: I'm not surprised, with you as his point guard. Did you guys
talk?
A: I did tell him once, "Next time down, gimme the pill and run an iso
for me." He did not
laugh.
Q: So, did you
win?
A: Well, we were behind 8-4 when I was taken out, but it does not go down as a
loss, officially.
Q: So, just to recap, you had Shaquille O'Neal and three other NBA stars as
teammates in a pickup game, but you lost to a team led by a man named Ramone
Veal. Would you agree this ranks as the lowest moment in this godforsaken NBA
year?
A: Absolutely, but afterward, Shaq paid me the ultimate compliment, saying,
"Well, at least you're better than Elden
Campbell."
Q: I'm outta
here.
A: I'm not sure he was
kidding.
| 
