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We Feel Their Pane
Posted: Tuesday January 05, 1999 09:38 AM
Secure your safety goggles, take two steps back and get ready for the first
Chuckie Awards, in which we take the people in sports who suffered the most
serious cases of cranial-rectal inversion in 1998 and chuck each of them through
a plate-glass
window.
The Chuckies are named in honor of Charles Barkley, who one night in 1997 became
so displeased with the behavior of a fan in an Orlando bar that he pitched the
guy through a picture window. When asked later if he regretted it, Barkley
replied, "I regret we weren't on a higher
floor."
So grab hold of the belt loops of this year's chuckees, count one, two, three,
and
heave....
Kansas State football coach Bill Snyder, who told reporters he felt "the same kind of
feelings" about his 11-1 Wildcats' having to accept a bid to the lowly
Alamo Bowl as he did about the death of his mother and the crippling injury that
his daughter sustained in a car wreck. Nice, Coach. We're going to pitch you
through the glass now, so you can really find out what it's like to be
shattered.
The new WNBA Barbie, who's got lustrous
hair, a big red hairbrush and looks as if she would make a WNBA team right after
Dolly Parton. In fact, if you extrapolate WNBA Barbie's dimensions onto a real
woman, she would be 6'2", with a 26-inch waist and a 42-inch bust. Sounds
like the doll you see hanging around NBA hotel lobbies: Paternity Suit
Barbie.
Fuzzy Zoeller, who said the media were
burying him by not letting his 1997 racist jokes about Tiger Woods die and then
made a shameful TV ad in '98 cashing in on them. In a commercial for Daiwa golf
clubs, Zoeller says to a priest, "Forgive me, for I have sinned." The
camera then pulls back to show that Zoeller is talking about the forgiving
qualities of the clubs. We'll pitch Fuzz through a stained-glass
window.
Officer Thomas Moyer, the Las Vegas
cop who in October sued Mike Tyson for swinging at him in the ring during the
July 1997 pay-per-chew chaos with Evander Holyfield. Moyer, who was trying to
restrain Tyson, stepped between the two fighters before Tyson could finish his
meal. Apparently, Moyer was shocked -- shocked! -- that people wearing
boxing gloves inside a boxing ring occasionally swing at people. Hey, Officer,
can we toss you through this window right here, or would you rather come
downtown?
Nike, which announced last January that it was "no
coincidence" the Denver Broncos made the Super Bowl in the first season
that they wore their new form-fitting Nike uniforms. Gag me with a
swoosh.
Latrell Sprewell, who not only sued the
NBA alleging, among other things, that employees in the league office shredded
evidence that would've proved his innocence, but also his agent for not setting
up his contract so that he could freely commit aggravated assault on his coach
without being cut from the team. Next, Sprewell plans to sue his manicurist,
whose willful and gross negligence caused Sprewell to leave incriminating
marks.
NFL referee Phil Luckett, whose crew
blew two game-deciding calls in back-to-back assignments. Luckett screwed up a
coin toss and 10 days later allowed the touchdown call to stand on Vinny
Testaverde's non-TD. Unfortunately, when we tried to throw Luckett through the
window, he didn't break the
pane.
Toronto Blue Jays manager Tim Johnson, who admitted he stretched the truth until it snapped about his role in the
Vietnam War. Johnson was a Marine, all right, but he merely taught troops in
Southern California and wasn't the Rambo portrayed in the combat yarns he'd spun
for years. After confessing, Johnson said, "It's like somebody has taken a
50,000-pound weight off my shoulders." Yep, he's over that exaggeration
problem
entirely.
NBA commissioner David Stern and
players' union executive director Billy Hunter, who have spent less time together in the same room than
Dr. Richard Kimble and the one-armed man. We'd love to throw them both through a
window, but they're such lightweights, they'd probably bounce
off.
Minnesota Vikings linebacker Dwayne Rudd, who, as he returned a fumble 94 yards near the end of the
Vikings' 48-22 crushing of the Chicago Bears, slowed to a walk as he approached
the goal line, turned and urged a Chicago player to hustle after him, and then
waved the ball at the Bear before spiking it. Not to worry, Dwayne, we're
pitching you out a very small
window.
Of a
767.
Issue date: December 28, 1998
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