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POINT AFTER
Wishful Thinking
Our intrepid reporter wouldn't want to put words in anybody's mouth, but...
by Rick Reilly
Posted: Tue January 6, 1998
PLEASE,
PLEASE,
please, let us read these quotes in
1998.
"Hell, yes, I quit. I shoulda been fired. All I did
was take the damn Super Bowl champions and turn 'em into
Rice."
—BARRY SWITZER
"I don't play for personal recognition. I don't play
for money. What's important to me is the team.
T-E-A-M."
—SCOTTIE PIPPEN
"
"
—DAN DIERDORF
"So I decided, Who was I kidding? No way in hell I was going to make par from there.
Eight or nine maybe, but not par. So I took my bogey, and I
was happy
with it."
—TIGER WOODS
"My next project? A four-hour epic on the Florida
Marlins."
—JAMES CAMERON
Titanic
Director
"Get open underneath. I'll pass it to
you."
—ALLEN IVERSON
"Sometimes I look at the things I do and I think, God,
what an
ass."
—JEFF GEORGE
"Look, I'm not afraid to say it. I'm going to hit 70
this year. Watch me. Follow me. Put me on
Nightline every night. I get paid boatloads to play. I can handle
it."
—KEN GRIFFEY
JR.
"I'll have the cottage cheese plate,
please."
—RICK MAJERUS
"Something in a men's dress shirt, please.
Button-down, if you've got
it."
—DENNIS RODMAN
"All I can say is, 'Wow!' I mean, first the bleacher
falls on Nick Faldo at 16, and then the cops take Fred
Couples away at 17, and then my four-iron at 18 bounces off
Butler Cabin, through the pan of peach cobbler and into the
hole for the win! I mean,
am I the luckiest guy on earth or
what?"
—GREG NORMAN
"I'm not going to stand up here anymore after fights
and say I did it in the name of Jesus. Do you think Jesus
gets some kind of joy out of me turning a guy's face into
an omelette?"
—EVANDER HOLYFIELD
"I guess it finally hit me how wrong I've been all
these years to put my name on these ridiculous $159
basketball shoes. I mean, what the hell is
patent
leather doing on a basketball shoe anyway? So, I'm announcing
today a cool new shoe that any kid can own. It's $39.95,
and I'm going to wear it in games. Nobody's going to have
to take out a second mortgage to buy it. Basically,
anything over $40 for a
basketball shoe is a joke
anyway."
—MICHAEL JORDAN
"I decided I can play the French Open the next 20
years. How many senior proms do I get to go
to?"
—MARTINA
HINGIS
"I don't know what
I'm doing in all these ads anyway. I'm a 12
handicap."
—EARL WOODS
"I feel kind of bad about this, I really do. The whole
thing's been a put-on. My name rhymes with
toy, just like it looks. I'm from
Huntsville. The whole French thing was just me jerking y'all's chain
a
little."
—PATRICK
ROY
"I guess I just couldn't stand it anymore, seeing
schoolkids get shot up with semiautomatics. I guarantee
you, nobody I hunt with needs a 9mm Heckler and Koch
semiautomatic to shoot a rabbit. We're done with them.
Starting today, we'll work to ban all
semi- and fully automatic guns. We need to get a whole lot of
blood off our
hands."
—MARION HAMMER
NRA
President
"An autobiography? At 17? What am I going to write
about? The Beanie Baby
years?"
—MICHELLE KWAN
"Tell the director to stick it. I've got to work on my
free
throws."
—SHAQUILLE O'NEAL
"We have sucked. We still suck. We're going to keep
sucking for the foreseeable future. So we're cutting ticket
prices."
—ANY BASEBALL OWNER
"I can't tell you what this means to me. To be world
champion and the Super Bowl MVP after being humiliated so
many times. I'm speechless, really. So I'm retiring right
now, happy, satisfied and still able to walk my daughters
down the aisle without
looking like something out of
The Hunchback of Notre
Dame."
—JOHN ELWAY
"Hmmm. 'Shampoo. Rinse.
Repeat.'"
—AL DAVIS
Issue date: January 12, 1998
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