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Your Corporate Logo Here
Posted: Thursday January 14, 1999 05:59 PM
The new year was only seven hours old and already one of my resolutions was
about to crumble. I was in the Detroit airport (a facility that appears to have
been designed by third-graders) and, like most of you on the first morning of
1999, I was in desperate need of an aspirin, preferably one the size of a
grapefruit. I had some change in my pocket, but Tylenol at an airport is like
$18 a tablet, so, in need of cash, I walked to an ATM machine. That's when
things got complicated.
You see, all the cha-ching machines in the airport were run by Comerica ,
the disgusting, money-grubbing, cold-blooded bank that had just purchased the
rights to name Detroit's new baseball stadium for a cool $66 million. And on the
previous eve, in front of Dick Clark and all creation, I had vowed, in protest
of the current sickening trend, that I would no longer patronize any company
that had stolen the name of an arena or stadium.
Of all the things in sports I hate, and believe me, the list grows longer every
day -- pitchers and teenagers garnering $100 million contracts, the BCS, the NBA
lockout, the Florida Marlins, personal seat licenses, the corporate Cleveland
Browns and NFL referees, to name a few -- what really drives me up the wall is
the RCA Dome, Ericsson Stadium, 3Com Park, Key Arena
and Alltel (et al) Stadium.
We all know that money -- corporate influence -- is ruining sports, but do we
have to have it plastered in the form of 30-foot-tall neon signs over the
doorway of our arenas? The only answer is to boycott the blood-sucking companies
that are spray painting their corporate graffiti all over our places of athletic
worship.
What the hell is a Cinergy Field, anyway? Inside Continental
Airlines Arena, do the teams arrive an hour late when it's foggy out? Do the
food stands issue nothing but peanuts and flat soda? In your seat are you always
flanked on one side by a screaming baby and on the other by a 300-pound guy with
chronic flatulence and a hacking cough?
Even worse are the companies that hijack a stadium named to honor someone --
like Jack Murphy in San Diego and Joe Robbie in Miami -- and replace them with
their own corporate logo. What's next, renaming North Carolina's Dean Dome, the
Jimmy Dean Sausage Dome? Things are bad in Detroit, but at least they
haven't renamed Joe Louis Arena something like White Castle Coliseum. And
what about places that were originally named in honor of the cities whose
taxpayers funded the stadiums -- like Jacksonville Stadium, which was switched
to something called Alltel Stadium. Cell phones don't even work in that place,
for cripes' sake. How's that for
irony?
The really sad thing is, no cool companies steal these names. It's always these
sad, dorky, pimply-faced companies no one has ever heard about that want to buy
their way into the cool group of companies such as Lexus and Nike and Mountain
Dew. This is the corporate version of a bad John Hughes
film.
So let's boycott. What do we have to lose? Fortunately, there aren't any Taco
Bell Arenas, Pop Tarts Stadiums or J. Crew Coliseums, at least
not yet anyway. And I can live without 3Com or CoreStates or
Pro Player in my life. So pay attention, Wall Street: Dear Raymond James,
I have no idea who you are or what line of work you're in, but, for giving the
people of Tampa an even worse stadium name than Houlihan's , consider
yourself boycotted.
You want to know what would restore my belief in man? For directors of Comerica
Bank to loosen their ties a bit and announce that they have paid for the naming
rights in Detroit but have chosen, instead, to leave the name Tiger Stadium
intact. That simple act would generate $100 million in publicity and
goodwill.
A guy can dream, can't he? (Unless, of course, his Barney-sized headache
prevents him from sleeping on the
plane.)
For now I will continue to boycott Comerica. I urge you to do the same. Let's
all be thankful Kellogg's didn't buy the rights. Imagine: Tony the Tiger
Stadium.
Spanning the strange and wonderful world of sports, the Flem File has visited
a nudist colony, investigated nasal strips, tried out for the Olympic bobsled
team and endured injury and humiliation at the NFL Experience. What, or who,
should we riff on next week? If you've got a suggestion, a comment or a
question, don't just sit there, bring it on! Click here to send an e-mail to
Flem, or address it yourself: flemfile@aol.com.
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