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EVENTS
CENTERS
CNNSI.com GROUP
COMMERCE
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I turned 40
recently. Asked what I wanted, I said, "The Perfect Day."
6 a.m. -- Alarm rings.
6:01 -- Smash alarm with two-iron.
9:15 -- Wake up on own.
9:16 -- Reintroduce self to Heather Locklear.
9:20 -- Gabrielle Reece brings breakfast in bed -- wearing only
sports page.
9:21 -- Open sports page.
10:21 -- Read sports page. See that Bobby Knight and Albert Belle
hospitalized after freak revolving-door accident.
10:30 -- Enjoy wholesome breakfast of BBQ chicken wings,
chili-cheese fries and Guinness. Forget to eat anything good for colon.
10:42 -- Wipe face on guest towels.
10:43 -- Forget to do crunches. Forget to shave. Take one-hour
shower.
11:53 -- Put on fleece sweatpants, favorite ratty Valparaiso
sweatshirt and prized BUFFALO BILLS WORLD CHAMPS hat.
11:55 -- Dealership delivers silver Porsche Boxster. Custom set of
Callaways in trunk. Vertebra-snappingly gorgeous redheaded caddie riding
shotgun.
12:01 p.m. -- World Cup canceled.
12:20 -- Exhilarating drive to airport on state highway patrols'
National Give a Warning Day.
12:30 -- Board private Gulfstream V for flight to Cypress Point Golf
Club. Met on board by commissioners of major pro leagues.
1:05 -- Satisfying accords reached onboard: Patrick Ewing to be
called for traveling every time he touches ball, cliched dumping of
Gatorade on NFL coaches outlawed, bicuspid-bashing goons banned from NHL
but made mandatory at major league baseball owners' meetings.
Commissioners praise wisdom, parachute out.
1:37 -- Track canceled.
1:38 -- Field canceled.
1:55 -- Greeted at airport by Cypress Point chairman, who
compliments me on adhering to club's new no-collared-shirt rule.
2:00 -- Lunch of BBQ wings, chili-cheese fries and Guinness.
2:08 -- Wipe face on club blazer of nearby member.
2:30 -- Enjoy leisurely warmup. Certain rich cablinasian pays up on
long-drive contest.
2:45 -- Tee off with Sultan of Brunei, Bill Gates and Tom Lehman.
Tom and I agree to take bastard sandbaggers on, $100,000 a hole,
straight up, except Tom gets one floating mulligan on par-5s.
2:47 -- Katarina Witt and entire cast from Hooters on Ice drive up
in golf cart and ask if we need anything from their roving,
complimentary, single-malt-scotch bar.
4:15 -- After playing front nine in 90 minutes and 35 shots, agree
to let Sultan and Microchip Boy press the back.
6:00 -- Sign for satisfying 64, highlighted by aces on tricky 15th
and 16th. Score qualifies for this week's Masters.
6:05 -- Bets settled, I graciously buy a beer for losers to share.
Sultan leaves somewhat abruptly but not before signing over deed to
Florida panhandle.
6:10 -- Plane departs. Lawrence Phillips sucked into engine upon
takeoff.
6:15 -- On flight back caddie gives relaxing casaba-oil massage;
then a nap.
7:30 -- Arrive refreshed in Seattle for Bulls-Sonics game. Get
seated courtside between Alan Greenspan and Warren Buffett, who exchange
insider stock tips.
8:01 -- Bryant Gumbel canceled.
8:45 -- Have lucky seat number, swish million-dollar half-court
shot, sign 10-day Bulls contract and suit up immediately.
9:57 -- Make move that twists Gary Payton into Picasso painting,
then nail jumper to win game.
10:45 -- Dinner with Michael Ovitz, who interrupts enjoyment of BBQ
wings, chili-cheese fries and Guinness with plan for multimillion-dollar
Bic pen endorsement.
11:01 -- Wipe face on Ovitz's Joseph Abboud suit.
11:05 -- Meet Charles Barkley for postgame relaxation.
11:06 -- Barkley graciously allows me to throw first fan through
plate-glass window.
1 a.m. -- Swimsuit model Heidi Klum begins foot massage in
par-5-length limo, suggests strip poker. She's not holding any cards.
2:30 -- Discover 432 unpublished columns by Damon Runyon in bottom
dresser drawer.
2:35 -- Watch highlights of Pat Riley going bald in single day.
2:36 -- Forget to floss. |
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