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Somewhere, Mean Joe Greene is smiling. Maybe laughing.
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Well, it’s not two women mud-wrestling, but …
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Props at least for not being a Vin Diesel trailer.
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We’d rather sing The Star-Spangled Banner in front of Simon Cowell.
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By Dan George, CNNSI.com
Just when you think you’ve seen everything -- well, everything you can without a trip to Tijuana -- somebody goes and puts Ozzy Osbourne and Donny and Marie Osmond in the same commercial.
We’re not sure whether that was the highlight of Super Bowl XXXVII’s ad lineup or one of the signs of you-know-what, but it certainly was something. And it proved that "fun" once again is the byword of Super Bowl commercials. Sure, there were a few chuckles last year, but in the wake of 9/11, a somber patriotism seemed to be the memorable theme.
Sunday night the wackiness was back. Good thing, too, since a recent survey says 40 percent of the estimated 130 million viewers -- that’s about 52 million -- tuned in expressly to see the commercials. No wonder advertisers were willing to shell out an average $2.1 million per 30-second television spot, tying the record rate set in 2000.
Well, some advertisers. Coke, Nike and McDonald’s sat out the big game again, as did E*Trade, whose wacky chimp had become a Super Bowl fixture over the past three years. But Pepsi, AT&T Wireless, Visa and General Motors were back in force, along with Anheuser-Busch, once again the big dog with 10 of the 61 available 30-second spots -- yep, that’s more than $20 million worth of TV time.
So what did we get this time around? In addition to Ozzy and Co., there was some Willie Nelson, multiple Michael Jordans, a guy named Terry Tate and a psychotic squirrel. Let’s see how they --- and the rest of the ads -- rate on the ol’ CNNSI.com Easy Chair System:
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Budweiser
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Football game is halted while ref checks TV instant replay. The kicker: The players are Bud’s famous Clydesdales -- and the ref is a real zebra. Gets an extra chair for timely tweaking of NFL.
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Chrysler
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Celine Dion cuts loose while tooling down the road in the new Chrysler Crossfire. Talk about hot! And Celine ain’t bad, either.
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Quizno's
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Chef Jimmy is so focused on making a good sandwich that he forgot his pants. And we forgot to laugh.
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Pepsi Twist
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Ozzy Osbourne has a nightmare that he’s the father of the aforementioned Osmonds. Then he wakes up next to Florence Henderson, who, to her credit, refrains from dropping an F-bomb.
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Federal Express
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Shaggy FedEx guy gamely delivers package after years of being marooned on a desert island -- only to find that all that time it contained a satellite phone, a GPS locator, a fishing rod, etc. Clever Cast Away takeoff.
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The Incredible Hulk
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He’s big, he’s green, and he’s mean. And he might make Eric Bana a household name.
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Budweiser
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Fans break up a strongman competition by lugging off a refrigerator filled with Bud. Uh huh. Where’s Cedric the Entertainer when you need him?
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Dodge Ram
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When a guy riding in a really big pickup begins choking, the driver floors it, then stops on a dime, dislodging the offending piece of beef jerky against the windshield. Have we ever shared our theory about guys who drive really big pickups?
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The Matrix Reloaded, The Matrix Revolutions
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Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss and a lot of those wacky mid-air moves. Looked a lot more interesting four years ago.
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Gatorade
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The 39-year-old Michael Jordan goes one-on-one with the Chicago Bulls’ version of himself. Then they get a visit from the Tar Heels edition. One chair deducted for previously airing on New Year’s Day.
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Anger Management
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Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler in the same movie? What’s next, Robert De Niro and Eddie Murphy? Oh.
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H&R Block
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Willie Nelson turns down shaving cream ad, then learns he owes $30 million in back taxes. Suddenly, he’s all hot and lathered. Might have been funnier, but you gotta love the idea.
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Bud Light
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Guy walks into a bar in an upside-down clown suit, orders a beer and begins drinking through his … The bartender had the same look on his face that we did.
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Visa
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Yao Ming runs into a little language barrier when he tries to cash a check. OK, Shaq may still be a better basketball player, but this beats the heck out of those Burger King spots.
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Office of National Drug Control Policy
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Drug dealer finds himself on subway with the ghosts of people who have been killed by drug users. Spooky. So was a third-quarter spot in which a teenager becomes pregnant after pot-related sex.
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Bud Light
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 Hot dog
A dog fills in as the newest in Jamaican hairstyles.
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Guy walking his dog wants a beer, but the bar doesn’t allow animals -- so he plops the shaggy canine on his head and strolls in with some monster dreads, mon.
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Daredevil
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Wanna know how we knew Ben Affleck is blind in this movie? Hey, did you get a good look at the outfit he’s wearing?
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Monster.com
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A truck careens out of control, causing assorted mayhem and mischief. Oh, if it only had a driver!
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Sierra Mist
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Guy walking his dog -- stop me if you’ve heard this one before -- on a hot day stops to give the little guy a rest. Instead, the dog karate-kicks a fire hydrant, unleashing a torrent that knocks his owner into a building. We’re led to believe this is refreshing.
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Hanes
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Jackie Chan spends 25 seconds scratching before Michael Jordan reveals the problem would be solved by Hanes’ new tagless T-shirt. We’re just happy it wasn’t a Preparation H spot.
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Philip Morris
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Kids who play ball with their dads are less likely to smoke. That is what this ad was saying, right?
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Sierra Mist
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Baboon catapults into a refreshing – of course! – pond in a cute takeoff on 2001: A Space Odyssey.
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Trident
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We finally find out why that fifth dentist in the survey did not recommend Trident to his patients. And we thought we had problems when squirrels messed with our bird feeder.
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Bud Light
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Guy walking on a beach -- no dog, happily -- employs a seashell while trying to pick up women, with spectacularly unsuccessful results. Hmm. Probably should have had a dog.
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Bad Boys II
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Martin Lawrence and Will Smith are together again. Has it been eight years already?
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Budweiser
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Guy likes girl and her girlfriend; she says it’s OK for him to date both of them. You’ve heard of reality TV? This is the exact opposite.
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Visa
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Tiki and Ronde Barber have trouble cashing a check … but at least Ronde is playing in the Super Bowl.
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Terminator 3
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Arnold is back, and this time … well, this time we suppose he’s going to save the world again.
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Levi Strauss
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A boy and a girl, an empty city and a buffalo stampede. Somehow, it all has something to do with jeans.
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Mlife
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Gilligan’s life would have been a lot simpler if he’d only had a cellphone. … But, oh, those roaming charges!
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Bruce Almighty
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We’ve seen the trailer in the theater a couple of times, but this still made us laugh. Of course, anything with the name “Bruce” in it makes us laugh.
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Diet Pepsi
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Kid at a muddy Woodstock-like rock concert is shocked to find himself cutting loose next to his dad. And he ain’t Ozzy Osbourne.
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Yahoo!’s Hot Jobs
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Can we just say right now that nobody should sing New York, New York but Sinatra. And nobody should sing The Rainbow Connection but Kermit the Frog.
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Bud Light
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Guy gets a wide-angle preview of what his girlfriend may look like 20 years from now when he meets her mother. Eerily effective.
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Subway
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Jared dreams of Subway sandwiches. We dream of Jared-less Subway commercials.
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Charlie’s Angels
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Hey … Bernie Mac is Bosley!
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Cadillac
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Riding a subway train in the 1950s, guy watches a sign with a vintage Cadillac transform into a new XLR roadster. When he gets off, he’s also in the present. We had the same experience once riding in from Newark.
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The Recruit
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Al Pacino recruits Colin Farrell into the CIA. We assume that merriment ensues.
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George Foreman Grill
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You know, he’s sold about a bazillion of these even without a Super Bowl spot.
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Reebok
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Terry Tate, office linebacker, keeps employees in line with body slams and open-field tackles. Note to self: Remove solitaire game from work computer.
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Bud Light
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Guy demonstrates to his date the advantages of having three arms. And he doesn’t even mention juggling.
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Budweiser
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Guy’s girlfriend remarks what a great listener he is. This is how you can tell she’s his girlfriend and not his wife.
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Sony
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Guy takes a really long trip that ends up in outer space. For what it’s worth, we watched it on a Triniton.
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AT&T Wireless
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At an antique show in the future, a man displays a telephone with -- get this -- a cord! Interesting to note that while phones with cords no longer exist in the future, the word “diddly-squat” is alive and well.
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Budweiser
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Tim McGraw serves as a designated driver -- and one of his passengers is the “I’m doin’ fine!” yokel from last year’s Bud commercials. Classic.
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Visa
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George, Abe and Andy -- the presidents on the $1, $5 and $20 bill -- get left at home when you use the debit card. Odd. Now if Yao Ming had suddenly turned up …
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Myfico.com
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Once we heard the phrase “credit scores,” frankly, our eyes glazed over. Kinda like Rich Gannon’s against the Tampa Bay secondary.
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Michelob Ultra Light
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Low calories, low carbs. What is this, Gatorade or beer?
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