This Saturday, Minnesota will chase Wisconsin for a wooden ax, after spending the previous two weekends unsuccessfully pursuing a brown jug and a bronze pig named Floyd.
Washington State and Washington will fight over a cup of apples, Indiana and Purdue will kick each other over a bucket, and USC and UCLA will duel over the duty of painting a bell.
Football will also be played. Rivalry Week football, where regions, states, cities -- even city blocks -- are divided along alumni lines.
In this, the spiciest of college football weeks, woe is the nickname-less, trophy-less, big game; shallow is the victory involving a bucket of Gatorade and not a gleeful parade of something oaken, bejeweled or dangerous, like an ax.
But in the case of three of the biggest games during Rivalry Week 2002, no hardware, hardwood or hogs are on the line. Two of them -- Miami vs. Pittsburgh and Texas Tech vs. Oklahoma -- are not rivalries in any sense of the word.
Instead, national- and conference-title hopes are on the line, and those sorts of things, as any coach skilled in the art of coachspeak would say, "are more than enough to motivate our guys." But the Glance is an equal-opportunity provider, and no marquee matchup shall go undecorated. Below, a few half-hearted suggestions:
For Pittsburgh at Miami (7:30 p.m., Thursday): Miami gets only a pat on the bum for expectedly dominating its "fluffy" Big East schedule. Pitt's bounty, meanwhile, if it wins and takes the Big East, is a souvenir of Miami cinema: a bronze likeness of "Mother" Coleman from The Birdcage, for 1) changing "costumes" into a conference champ and 2) showing up at a (BCS) party where it wasn't exactly invited.
For Texas Tech-Oklahoma (7 p.m., Saturday): People take their rivalries seriously in this part of the country, but not enough to protect them from corporate sponsorship. SBC laid claim to October's Red River Shootout between OU and Texas, while in an uglier turn of events, Rice and Houston's Bayou Bucket was renamed the Administaff Bayou Bucket. So who slaps their slogan on this Big 12 South championship game? Given Tech's history with flour-based products, Taco Bell, most likely, will wrap the winner in one Tortilla Grande.
Finally, for Michigan at Ohio State (12:15 p.m., Saturday): Although it's only half-applicable in 2002, there's an old saying here that goes, "We don't need a trophy -- we play for the Big Ten championship." So skip the silly trophy and award something practical, like the 80 Sets of Riot Gear Cup, to help calm the inevitable postgame Columbus uproar, regardless of the outcome. A shield and a whacking stick beats a bucket any weekend of the year …
A regular comedian
As USC coach Pete Carroll knows, there's nothing better than the old "throw a dummy off a parking deck" gag to rile up your team during rivalry week. Carroll and Trojans assistant equipment manager Tino Dominguez acted as if they had spotted someone spying on USC's Tuesday practice from a nearby parking deck and Dominguez was sent to confront the intruder. A faux-fight ensued, and the body (dressed in blue) was tossed over the wall. Maybe Joe Paterno, who continues to think hanging Cabbage Patch Dolls on his door is amusing, should take a lesson from Carroll.
Demanding a recount
The five finalists for the Bronko Nagurski Award (given to the nation's top defensive player) are: Georgia's David Pollack, Maryland's E.J. Henderson, Kansas State's Terence Newman, Arizona State's Terrell Suggs and Notre Dame's Shane Walton. Conspicuously absent from the Football Writers' Association's list is LSU linebacker Bradie James, who has 124 -– yes, 124 -– tackles this season (six more than Henderson, in one less game) and is considered by some to be the top LB in the nation. Finalist Terence Newman, meanwhile, is 37th in the nation with four INTs.
Bold shoulder
Ailing Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett guaranteed he'll play against Michigan on Saturday, but for how long is anyone's guess. Clarett, an early-season leader for the Heisman, made his last cameo in the Buckeyes' come-from-behind win at Purdue, but was forced to alter his running style to protect his banged-up left shoulder. But seeing that Michigan is OSU's final regular-season game, his attitude has changed: "I'm not stepping around people or running out of bounds. If I get hurt on the first play, the sixth play or the 60th play, it doesn't matter. I've got four weeks to recover," Clarett said.
HOT: Larry Johnson, Penn State While Chris Brown ails, L.J. closes in on 2,000 yards.
NOT: Minnesota fans
In a blatant display of apathy, allowed their home goal posts to be ripped down by Iowa fans.
HOT: Kliff Kingsbury, Texas Tech
Upset of Texas has everyone singing his praises. But can he pick apart Oklahoma the way he did the Longhorns?
NOT: CBS' ad sales team
Did anyone catch the "Burlington Coat Factory" ads being beamed onto the turf at Auburn's Jordan-Hare Stadium during last Saturday's game against Georgia? Can't unnecessary commercialism wait until bowl season?
Other than those already mentioned at the top …
Florida State at N.C. State, 3:30 p.m., ABC
This had the billing of a heavyweight bout -- a month ago. Since then, the Wolfpack retreated into a bunker and started planning Philip Rivers' 2003 Heisman campaign.
USC at UCLA, 3:30 p.m., ABC
College football is once again en vogue in L.A., but the bigger issue there remains: Will Kiefer Sutherland be able to stop the bomb?
Washington at Washington State, 6:30 p.m., FSN
The Huskies arose from the dead last week to thrash Oregon, and coach Rick Neuheisel is holding secretive "closed" practices in preparation for the Apple Cup. Whatever you're hatching, Rick, it won't work.
How this week's big games played out on EA Sports' NCAA Football 2003.
The PlayStation's subpar forecasting skills have been the topic of many a reader e-mail, and to set the record straight, the PS2 hasn't just been subpar, it's been awful. But we can't disband a regular feature this late in the game … so here goes:
Miami 51, Pittsburgh 7; Washington State 34, Washington 17; USC 17, UCLA 10; Alabama 30, Auburn 24; Oregon State 24, Oregon 18; Oklahoma 24, Texas Tech 13; and finally, Ohio State 37, Michigan 17.
Ohio State's go-to play -- the deep lob from QB Craig Krenzel to WR Michael Jenkins -- can be recreated with eerie similarity out of Pro Form or I-Form sets. Pump fake to the right, and tap Jenkins' pass button lightly (to simulate Krenzel's lofty toss) and you'll be surprised how many times Jenkins catches it in a crowd.
If the season ended today
Fiesta:
Ohio State vs. Miami
Rose:
Iowa vs. Washington State
Sugar:
Georgia
vs. Florida State
Orange:
Notre Dame vs Oklahoma
Each week during the season, this space will
be devoted to your comments on a particular issue.
Last week's topic: Which current college quarterback will make the best NFL quarterback?
Carson Palmer will end up being the best QB out of the current college crop. He has the size, the mobility, arm-strength and accuracy to succeed at the pro-level. Add in the adversity that he endured at USC during his first three seasons (four, if you count his medical redshirt) and his willingness to accept blame and shoulder responsibility, and you have the kind of battle-tested veteran who has the emotional strength to succeed at the next level. He's a real leader and he'll have a better pro career than his college one.
Matt, Los Angeles
Without question, Marshall's Byron Leftwich will be the best pro quarterback. He has all the key essentials of the pro game. His 6-foot-6, 245-pound frame is ideal for not only scanning over defenses, but taking the punishment a quarterback endures on a week-to-week basis. Secondly, Leftwich can throw the deep outs, deep digs and posts with remarkable zip and touch. These throws define a pro QB. He also is extremely accurate, and he takes tremendous care of the football. All these characteristics sided with his ability to carry his football team by himself, and studying under current Jet QB Chad Pennington make Leftwich the best future pro.
Brandon Staley, Perry, Ohio
Brad Banks, Iowa. A smart, mature guy who doesn't make the big mistake. Has a good arm and throws well on the run. To top it all off, he can run like a tailback and make defenders miss. The complete package.
Larry Anderson, Manchester, Conn.
Chris Simms will turn out to be the best NFL QB. Many people would argue that his awesome arm strength is the main factor, but the biggest factor is that Simms has already seen more adversity than most QBs see in a lifetime, and he's handled it superbly. He's shown he is a winner (tops in wins at UT), and with his character I think he will take the next level's coaching and continue to be a winner.
Jason Malmquist, Austin
Chris Rix. Hah hah.
Ryan Kelley, Tallahassee, Fla.
Ken Dorsey, Miami. Cool under fire, that's how I see Dorsey. He takes the time to read a defense and he shows the needed confidence to deliver the ball to the right receiver. He won't need much prep time before he meshes with the NFL. Byron Leftwich and Seneca Wallace may have more athleticism, but Dorsey shows the leadership that pulls an offense together for victory.
Ben Clements, Birmingham, Ala.
Washington State's Jason Gesser has the size, strength, and stature to become a solid pro quarterback. He's got the kind of poise that it takes at the next level to lead a team, not just with skill and ability, but with attitude, heart and determination. As WSU quarterbacks go, he'll be another Drew Bledsoe (but with more mobility to move outside the pocket) rather than the next Ryan Leaf.
Mike Kurtz, Riddle, Ore.
This week's topic: Which rivalry trophy is the best, and which is the silliest? Be sure to explain your argument.
Luke Winn is college football producer for
CNNSI.com. To send him a comment or question, click
here.
