I was watching a college game earlier in the season. No, I can't remember which
one it was, but it was loaded with all sorts of tricky things, throwbacks and
quarterbacks going downfield as receivers and option passes and stuff, and I
couldn't help thinking, Why doesn't the NFL do all these gimmicks? I mean a few
might actually work, and once you've shown them and they're on film, you've
given the enemy more things to prepare for, etc. I guess it was the fear of
being
ridiculed.
Then all hell broke
loose.
Within the space of two weeks we saw Kordell Stewart checking with his wideout
while the ball was snapped to Jerome Bettis. We saw Kurt Warner start to walk
off the field while Marshall Faulk got the snap. And in Monday night's game we
saw Miami pull the old high school "Muddle Huddle," in which the
center Tim Ruddy lined up wider than the rest of the line, and then he made a
crooked snap to Lamar Smith, behind the bunched blockers, and Smith plunged for
the necessary short
yardage.
Maybe there were more of these gimmick plays ("garbage plays" as they're
called in the business) that I missed, but the interesting thing is that two of
the three coaches who used them, Billy Cowher and Dave Wannstedt, are basically
hard-line conservative types. (Mike Martz? Well, you never know what he's gonna
do). But I guess everybody likes to have fun every now and
then.
My fertile mind has been working overtime to come up with new and better
garbage, and so, for the sake of janitorial science, I will incorporate a few of
these suggestions into my capsule comments on teams I've got nothing sensible
to say about anyway. Get ready. Here comes the
garbage:
Dr. Z's Power Rankings
Rank
LW
Team
1
2
St. Louis Rams (10-2)
The offense did its thing in the big Niners battle, but it
was the defense that was most impressive, and for that reason, and certainly not
in deference to all the irate e-mailers, I am bestowing this week's order of
knighthood on the Rams. This, Pittsburgh fans, is an invitation to make your
feelings known about my dropping your team out of first place after a
victory.
2
1
Pittsburgh Steelers (10-2)
The Jets were dispatched with ease, but I see a few
problems. Why does the offense lose its smoothness once the dreaded red zone is
entered? What's to be done about a kicking situation in which even the lowly
extra point is in
question?
3
5
Green Bay Packers (9-3)
I never was a great fan of the Pack's offensive line, but I
handed that unit a lot of game balls Sunday. Very impressive, the way the
linemen worked their combinations with fullback William Henderson. Best showing
of the
season.
4
6
Oakland Raiders (9-3)
The Raiders inherit this spot because two teams above them dropped,
but four runners have hit them for more than 100 yards this season, James, Alexander, Barber and Holmes. San Diego's LaDainian Tomlinson hasn't sniffed the
magic century since early October, and if I were the Raiders I'd be concerned
that ... well, I guess I really wouldn't be that terribly concerned. But I
would be aware of the
situation.
5
4
Chicago Bears (9-3)
I am into my end-of-season all-pro mentality, so I'm giving
some players extra looks, and thus I did a careful tracking of Brian Urlacher,
who's in the running for my MLB spot. He recorded an unblocked sack against the
Pack and raced 41 yards with an interception, showing impressive speed in so
doing, but overall I'd have to say that the game lowered him on my board. Maybe
he was just following instructions (I'll have to make a few phone calls to find
out), but I'd never noticed how soft he was in taking on blockers. He was sort
of pinballing off them and retreating in order to make the play farther
downfield. This helps the tackles and assists stats, but it's not what I'm
exactly looking for in a middle linebacker, and it hurt the Bears Sunday. As I
said, maybe he was just playing within the designated scheme, but I found it
very
curious.
6
3
San Francisco 49ers (9-3)
I never thought that the Niners' offense would struggle
like it did against the Rams. How bad was Terrell Owens' hip? And how about Jeff
Garcia? Bad knee acting up or what? And what were they saving Garrison Hearst
for? These questions must be answered before I can proceed to the next phase of
the
operation.
7
9
Miami Dolphins (9-3)
Jets fans, I don't want to hear a peep out of you. Send your
e-mails to each other. That's right, the Jets beat 'em twice, but based on
everything that's happened since last month's 24-0 debacle, is there any question as to
which is the better team right
now?
8
7
Philadelphia Eagles (8-4)
Just as they break the huddle, Donovan McNabb raises his
hand and says, "Mr. Referee, I'd like to use the rest room." All but
the real hard guys, such as Jeff Triplette and Terry McAulay, will say,
"OK, but make it snappy." And while this is going on, the ball is
snapped to Duce Staley, who plows over center for a nifty five yards. And so the
Eagles' next opponent must devote considerable practice time to Philly's version
of the belly
series.
9
10
Baltimore Ravens (8-4)
That's right, I'm tracking Ray Lewis, too. Have been for some
time, and one thing I notice is that the guy on the Ravens' stat crew who
records tackles and assists has been very liberal when it comes to Lewis'
involvement. I mean, if he falls on the pile he gets a tackle. If he's within
smelling distance he gets an assist. So when you see these numbers, remember
they're for entertainment purposes
only.
10
11
New England Patriots (8-5)
I sure would have liked to have been in Bill Belichick's team
meeting when he explained why Terry Glenn was going to be on the field last
Sunday (four catches, 67 yards). I mean, the guy just about admitted he was
faking an injury, and walked off the practice field, and humiliated the coach
on numerous occasions, and, worst of all, refused to present a jolly, good
natured demeanor to the members of the press. I think there's something legal brewing
here. I think they're handling Glenn a certain way to shortstop his lawyers, based
on the advice of the club's attorneys. It's what I've been saying all along, if
you want to bring football into the 21st century, you've got to get the lawyers
involved.
11
12
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-5)
The margin of victory or defeat in the last six games has
been a total of 20 points. The Bucs won four of those contests. Now look at the
first five games of the season. The cumulative margin was 22 points. The Bucs
lost three. Somewhere in here there's a point to be made, and you're
disqualified if you say that the Bucs are now winning the close
ones.
12
8
New York Jets (7-5)
On TV, I hear the studio analysts who watch maybe half a dozen
Jets' plays a week say, "They've got to get the ball into Curtis Martin's
hands more." In the New York papers the beat men who see every minute of
every Jets game write that they've got to find somebody else on offense and stop
overusing Curtis Martin. Here's what I think: Their choked-off offense will
be good enough to beat Cincinnati and Buffalo at home and lose to Indy and
Oakland on the road, which will get them to 9-7, on the cusp of playoff land.
Unless, and this is a big unless, the Raiders, in the final game, will have
clinched everything they need to clinch and thus will be playing their jayvee's
against New York. Then the Jets will launch a triumphal march into the
postgoseason, where they pray that they meet
Miami.
13
15
New Orleans Saints (7-5)
I figured that last week they would be looking ahead to the
St. Louis Monday nighter and would blow one to the Falcons. I, too, can be
wrong. The Saints' defense is on a two-game high, after flattening out against
the Patriots. They've intercepted Warner seven times in the teams' last two
meetings, and against the Niners last week he looked a little loose with the
ball. This is my Rams-Saints scenario. New Orleans will do a good job against
Warner and come up with a couple of picks, but the Rams' defense, an
underachieving group that can play very hard when aroused, will do an even
better job against the Saints and pull out the win.
14
16
Washington Redskins (6-6)
Very few NFL quarterbacks have been given as modest a game plan
as Tony Banks has. There have been only two occasions this season in which he
threw more than 30 passes, and the 'Skins lost both times. When they beat the
Eagles in Philly, Banks threw 18 passes and Washington ran the ball 45 times.
Those are dream numbers, and won't be repeated, because we all know that the
Eagles will suit up Chuck Bednarik and Piggy Barnes and Bucko Kilroy and anyone
else they can find with run-stopping credentials. It will be loud and raucous
in Landover. Daniel Snyder will come dressed as one of Santa's elves. I like
the
Iggles.
15
13
Tennessee Titans (5-7)
This team drives me nuts. Just when I thought it was ready
to make a serious playoff move, it got Boumaned. Todd Bouman, for
heaven's sake! The Titans. My preseason Super Bowl team. OK, let's get on
with it. Fill out the schedule. Get ready for next year. The Flaming Redhead
just informed me that I picked them to beat the Packers Sunday. Oh
god.
16
19
Denver Broncos (7-6)
The Broncos came up with an answer to their anemic offense
problem. Play great defense. Gosh, why didn't I think of
that?
17
14
Cleveland Browns (6-6)
I'm looking at Tim Couch's resume. Nowhere does it say
that he's been afflicted by Pick Syndrome, yet in the last four contests he's
thrown nine of them. Maybe it would help if the running attack could find a game,
just one, in which it could average four yards a carry. Hasn't happened so
far.
18
23
Minnesota Vikings (5-7)
How about this one for Sunday? The ball is snapped and Randy Moss
says, "That's it, I just don't feel like catching a pass," and he
starts walking toward the far tunnel of the Silverdome. "Where you
going?" the safetyman says. "Got to get some air, man." And
then he breaks into a sprint and catches a perfectly launched 60-yard spiral and
the crowd boos like crazy. Not sure I'm going to send that one to Dennis Green.
The O-line will have to hold its blocks an awful long time.
19
17
Atlanta Falcons (6-6)
I'd have been over .500 on my picks last weekend if only I had
omitted that addendum to my Saints-over-Falcons selection in which I said
that it was only without Chandler, and I'd go the other way if he played. These
either-or things never work out, so I think I'll just lay off picking Falcons'
games for a
while.
20
18
Seattle Seahawks (6-6)
Is Matt Hasselbeck really the answer or did a gaudy
exhibition season afflict everyone with temporary
blindness?
21
21
Arizona Cardinals (5-7)
The Flaming Redhead is from Phoenix. Her best friend had a
restaurant in Tempe, near the stadium. She used to like to see the Cardinals do
well, because that would put people in a festive mood and they'd be willing to
spend money. Now she professes only a mild interest, which is known as marking
time while we gather our thoughts
about...
22
20
Indianapolis Colts (4-8)
Those sideline shots of Peyton's face Monday night gave
me an awful feeling of déjà vu, because it was the same expression
I saw on the face of his daddy, Archie Manning, for whom I've been lobbying hard
at the Hall of Fame selection meetings but will never make it. Everything has
come apart. Even Marvin Harrison, his go-to guy, looked very ordinary, drops
and all. And what's with all that foot-tapping? I've never seen Peyton do that
before. I just hope that he doesn't get hurt before the season's
over.
23
22
San Diego Chargers (5-8)
Here's one that all the gimmick coaches never thought of,
but I'll bet that Doug Flutie has, because he practices it. I know because he
told me once. The drop kick. Legal from any point on the field, behind the
line of scrimmage. Three points, same as a field goal. You heard it here
first.
24
26
Dallas Cowboys (4-8)
Why is Emmitt upset that the coach said he couldn't carry
the ball 30 times a game? I mean, does he want his career to end on the meat
wagon? I think the choice of words was unfortunate. I'd have substituted
"wouldn't" for
"couldn't."
25
25
Jacksonville Jaguars (4-8)
Giants fans are getting restless. So when will I get to
their team already? Be patient. First there's the matter of the Jaguars to
clear up. They did win, after all. Certainly you Giants fans remember that
word.
26
24
New York Giants (5-7)
The subtlety of the following Jim Fassel postgame quote
makes it one of my favorite of the season. Here it is: "I'm going to stop
focusing on things. Whatever we focus in on, we don't do well." That,
friends, has been the story of my
life.
27
28
Kansas City Chiefs (3-9)
It all came down to this. The left tackle, a former
first-round draft choice, gets manhandled by a journeyman defensive end, who
blindsides the QB and ruins a two-point conversion attempt that could have
thrown the Raiders game into OT, setting the stage for the most inspirational
victory of the season. That's why coaching is such a tough
racket.
28
27
Cincinnati Bengals (4-8)
Five straight losses and counting. A sad ballad that
we've heard
before.
29
29
Detroit Lions (0-12)
When I arrived at Stanford as a freshman, one of the first
things I noticed was a plaque commemorating the 1947 team, which failed to win a
game but came one play away from beating arch rival Cal in the finale. The
plaque read: "0-9, They Never Lost Their Will to Win." I didn't
understand it, wise-ass New York punk that I was. "Wotta bunch of
losers," I thought. I understand it now. The Lions have helped bring the
message
home.
30
31
Buffalo Bills (2-10)
Once I took my mother to a Giants game, when New York was
pretty bad and the team they beat, the expansion Saints, was worse. Afterward I
asked her what she thought of the game. "There's an old Russian
proverb," she said. "Like two skeletons dancing." Bills 25,
Panthers
24.
31
30
Carolina Panthers (1-12)
May I have this dance? Oh, it's taken.
Sorry.
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