Head of the class

Convincing win has St. Louis up where it belongs

I'm still in a Bowl delirium and let me tell you about a daydream I had for years. This was in the days when they had the Poulan Weedwacker something or other bowl ... Independence? Liberty? Can't exactly remember. I'd do one of those on-camera, pregame interviews, and I'd get some big farm-type player, and I'd ask him, "Tell me, what does the Poulan Weedwhacker Independence Bowl mean to you?" And he'd get this real serious look on his face and say, "All my life I've hated WEEDS."

Just a passing thought.

OK, we're serious now, and I'm not kidding. It's getting close to crunch time for the Power Rankings, and there's only one more week in which I can say, "Be patient, it'll all work itself out." Because of the magnitude of this, I've taken a big step and decided to do the rankings by computer, as The New York Times and other weighty publications do. Here we go:

I have punched in all my data and I'm hitting the little button, and my No.1 team is ... it is ... FUNCTION NOT AVAILABLE.

Now that's a good start. Ol' Function can really run the ball.

And my No. 2 is ... MAKE SURE YOU'VE DOWNLOADED THE APACHE PLUGIN VIREX 6.1 MODE

Now we're getting somewhere. The Apache Defense.

The Redhead is pounding her shoe on my little table. "How much longer are you going to keep up this nonsense? Will you please stop boring everybody and do it the same old way you've always done it?"

OK, folks. The computer wins again, which makes the score now 2,148-0. And it's not even in its kneel mode yet. And on the subject of kneeling, we bring you our Top

Dr. Z's Power Rankings
Rank	LW	Team
1	1		St. Louis Rams (13-2) Why are they my clear No. 1? Because on a weekend when everybody else was taking the big slide, they ran up 483 yards, converted eight of 10 third downs and shut down what used to be a high-powered offense. This is clearly the class of the field.
2	2		Pittsburgh Steelers (12-3) I could have dropped them a notch behind the Bears, based on their sorry showing against the Bengals and Chicago's solid victory. I could have, that is, if I believed in my heart that the Bears really are a better team. Which I don't. Be patient, this will all sort itself out by the Super Bowl.
3	3		Chicago Bears (12-3) I just did my all-pro checklist. These are the Bears I have isolated for further review -- Urlacher, Tucker, Kreutz, Green, Daniels, Holdman, Colvin, McQuarters. And I know there are people who will argue that Maynard and Brown should be there. And someone whose opinion I really respect says that I've really got to look hard at Brockermeyer. And I really like the tight end, Baxter, as an all-around winner, but you just can't get away from Gonzalez. All this means that they've really got the players. It's no secret why they're up there.
4	5		Green Bay Packers (11-4) The long season and nagging injuries have created a kind of problem. The Vikings' Michael Bennett became the third back in three weeks to run for more than 100 against them, the other two being Jamel White and Skip Hicks, not exactly household names.
5	4		San Francisco 49ers (11-4) Here's the dilemma: Jeff Garcia is clearly not right, so do you rest him against the Saints and run the risk of losing the home-court advantage in the wild-card playoff, which could mean a trip to Green Bay, or do you use him and run the risk of opening the postseason at home with a banged-up QB? It's a shame that a magnificent season has come down to this.
6	7		New England Patriots (10-5) I can't believe that they'll let down against the Panthers, with a shocking division title so close. If they do, then I'll lose my faith in all the values this country (and a few others) stands for.
7	6		Oakland Raiders (10-5) With age comes old peoples' injuries, the kind that don't keep them out of the game but slow them down just enough. I see them making an early exit in the postseason, but as I've pointed out, I've been wrong before.
8	10		Philadelphia Eagles (10-5) All of a sudden they've discovered their tight end, Chad Lewis. Tight end is a weird position. Coaches spend a whole season saying, "We've simply got to get him more involved," but when they draw up their game plans, somehow he's forgotten. The few teams that do feature the position from time to time simply play hell with those zones. Philly's passing attack killed the Giants, but the running game is nowhere.
9	13		Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-6) They're playing with passion, and that always makes them dangerous, but how long will it last? They've shown that if they get wild and crazy enough they can beat anyone. It's a matter of energy level.
10	12		Miami Dolphins (10-5) Playoff bound -- and gagged. This observation makes absolutely no sense, but I used it for the sake of the one-liner. Preseason, you'd have said that the Dolphins figured to make the playoffs on good running, sturdy defense and just enough passing. Now two of the first three are missing. They're a hybrid. But they've got a good record.
11	8		Baltimore Ravens (9-6) Both lines are worse than they were last year. They can't rush the passer unless it's via exotics. The big guys don't collapse the pocket as they did in the postseason last year. Why am I being so negative about my higher-ranked teams? Maybe it's the cold weather.
12	15		Denver Broncos (8-7) Mike Shanahan will never make Coach of the Year, of course, but personally, I think he's done a terrific job of keeping his ragtags and wounded together.
13	14		Washington Redskins (7-8) They're doing everything they can to keep the ball out of Tony Banks' hands. Witness last week's stats: 44 runs, 15 passes. Next year, if they somehow wind up with with a high-powered QB, a Bledsoe type, they could be right in there.
14	9		New York Jets (9-6) Their fourth-quarter, come-from-behind victories over the weaker teams threw a smoke screen over their problems. Vinny Testaverde can play catch-up if he has enough time to get himself together and become fairly comfortable. Even his best late-game drive, against the Colts, began with 2:48 left, which is plenty of time. But faced with the slam-bang nature of the closing moments of last weekend's Buffalo game -- midfield with 47 seconds left -- both Testaverde and the coordinator, Paul Hackett, fell apart. You've got to at least get into position to give it a good shot, and the Jets couldn't handle it. Then, with a chance for the playoffs still ahead, this pair got into a finger-pointing spat. As a media person, I like folks to talk to me in the locker room, but this was clearly a time for keeping it buttoned up. Add to that the fact that the Bills killed them on power-running, something that hasn't happened in quite a while, and you've got an unhealthy end-of-season situation.
15	18		Seattle Seahawks (8-7) Somehow I've never believed in this team, but they're just an ace away from the postseason. The question is, can Mike Holmgren's vanity handle a total switch to Trent Dilfer at this late date?
16	11		Tennessee Titans (7-8) OK, I've dropped them five spots, not because of their loss to Cleveland, but because of the overall evaluation. It's taken me a while, but I can finally see that this is one of the worst secondaries in the league, mostly due to injuries, but some of it through execution. And that's not a good starting point.
17	21		Cleveland Browns (7-8) A case could be made for raising the Browns one notch over Tennessee. The teams split their games, don't forget. And over the last few weeks, while the Titans were beating Green Bay and Oakland, Cleveland was losing to the Packers, Jaguars and Patriots. I'll accept arguments on both sides and reach my final verdict next week.
18	16		Atlanta Falcons (7-8) Michael Vick will sell a lot of tickets. Well, maybe not a lot, but some. Well, maybe not some, how about a few? OK, I've gone too far. He's thrilling, he's death-defying, but can he learn how to run an offense during this offseason? Don't forget that Chris Chandler is still one of the best QBs in the league and he's only 54. All right, ha ha, he's 36 -- with a lot of battle scars.
19	17		New York Giants (7-8) They didn't give their rookie cornerback much help, so he got trashed by Thrash in a 17-point fourth quarter. I guess it happens, but not when you're trying to rely on your defense to carry you into the postseason.
20	25		Kansas City Chiefs (6-9) Hey, they're playing hard for Coach Vermeil. Three straight wins. America's spoilers. Unfortunately all they're doing is lowering their draft position.
21	20		Jacksonville Jaguars (6-9) Wouldn't it be ironic if they knocked the Bears out of the division championship on Sunday. "Why ironic?" the Redhead wants to know. Uh, I'm not sure, but it would be strange. And this is one of the games I've penciled in as a possible "anything can happen." And there is currently a line of people waiting to give me serious odds that this will not take place.
22	24		Arizona Cardinals (7-8) This is a pretty good team at this point. They've won five of their last seven, beating the Raiders and taking the Giants right down to the wire. Something to build on? You never know. These days you build on the salary cap.
23	23		Minnesota Vikings (5-10) They played the Packers tough in the tundra but it doesn't matter because they're just not taken seriously anymore. Randy Moss got only a smattering of Pro Bowl votes. Cris Carter expressed an interest in joining the Packers but Brett Favre mentioned that it wasn't going to happen.
24	19		New Orleans Saints (7-8) Something awful is happening here. At this point I don't want to pester Jim Haslett with a phone call, but in the offseason I sure want to sit down with him and get the real story on what's going on down there. I mean, has the ju-ju lady put the hex on or what?
25	22		Indianapolis Colts (5-10) I just opened the official NFL release, and it has this quote from John Madden: "That's what's so great about the NFL. You never know." Hmmmm. I asked my wife what she thought of that. "Well, I don't know," she said.
26	27		Dallas Cowboys (5-10) Signs of a well-coached defense -- the young guys are improving. Here's my sleeper: cornerback Mario Edwards.
27	28		Cincinnati Bengals (5-10) OK roll it, the highlight reel for December 2001. You see, Jon Kitna threw for 411 against the Steelers. And the NFL's shakiest kicker, Neil Rackers, who had missed two shorties and an extra point, kicked the game winner in overtime. What's that you say? Neither one is with the club anymore? OK, get out the old Ken Anderson footage.
28	26		San Diego Chargers (5-11) Here's an easy stat, because it's getting late and dinner is waiting. First seven games, Chargers are 5-2 and Doug Flutie has thrown three picks. Next nine, they're 0-9 and he's thrown 15. And the jury's still out on Drew Brees. Jack Riley would call that departing with a clean slate.
29	29		Buffalo Bills (3-12) Yep, it was a sweet win, but here's what I didn't like: Bills have the ball in Jets territory and they're keeping it on the ground, to run the Jets out of timeouts. This is the same kind of thinking that existed when blacksmith was a noble profession. Then they botch the punt and the Jets are back in it, with a shot to win. If Buffalo completes one little six- or seven-yard hitch for a first down, it's over, slam dunk, and everyone goes home to a nice, hot meal.
30	30		Detroit Lions (1-14) I mean, Ty Detmer? Gimme a break.
31	31		Carolina Panthers (1-14) Can you get a coach through the draft?

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