Posted: Tuesday December 24, 2002 4:39 PM
Updated: Tuesday December 24, 2002 10:00 PM
Always, at this time of the season, I am faced with a rankings dilemma. Should I look at a team's current status, or should I judge the overall achievement? I guess the answer is a combination of both, but it's tough to consider a team such as the Patriots, for instance, which has lost all its energy and juice, and say, "Well, they were pretty good last month." OK, that's my problem, and it's a minor affair, since everyone is concerned with much more important things, such as playoff positioning.
Dr. Z's Power Rankings
Rank
LW
Team
1
1
Philadelphia Eagles (12-3) All you had to do was look at the Buccaneers Monday night, specifically the conduct and demeanor of their Nos. 2 and 3 quarterbacks, to understand how monumental Andy Reid's achievement has been. He got not one but two guys ready to play -- at the highest level.
2
3
Green Bay Packers (12-3) I have nothing against the Eagles, but there's a part of me that wouldn't mind seeing Green Bay host the NFC title game. Why? Because when I covered it there a few years ago, the Saturday night buffet they threw was one of the finest I'd ever attended in my life. I mean, three separate rooms, each with different kinds of meats, including the exotics such as ostrich and antelope and short-haired pointer (no, just kidding about the last one).
3
5
Oakland Raiders (10-5) Yes, by all means, bring Deion Sanders back and suit him up. Anything to get him away from the microphone at CBS.
4
2
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (11-4) So what's the deal? Jon Gruden and Andy Reid once coached together in the same Mike Holmgren system. How come one guy could get his back-up QBs prepared and the other one couldn't? Unless the Bucs were just in a blah phase after New Orleans clinched the division for them the day before. It could extend through Chicago this weekend, since there isn't even that phony "I hate you" Pittsburgh-type hype to keep the interest up.
5
6
Atlanta Falcons (9-5-1) They might not even need the Cleveland victory to clinch a playoff spot, since the Giants could bow out against the Eagles on Saturday. But I'll let you in on a secret: I think the Giants will get their upset. I really feel strongly about this. So anyone from Atlanta reading this information, kindly inform Dan Reeves that he should devote his full attention to the upcoming contest with the Browns.
6
8
Tennessee Titans (10-5) Whew, not one Titan selected to the Pro Bowl. I'm echoing a lament I've heard endlessly on TV, and whenever I hear something like that, my reaction is, "OK, Jack, which Titan would you place on the Pro Bowl squad, replacing whom?" And since I've asked the question, I'll answer it myself, since I handle all ends of the conversation here. Keith Bulluck to replace either Junior Seau or Peter Boulware at OLB. Gennaro DiNapoli to replace either center picked. Benji Olson to replace Ruben Brown at guard, although my own team would have K.C.'s Brian Waters ahead of both of them. Finally, Steve McNair ahead of … well, I don't want to give anything away, since my All-Pro team has yet to appear. But McNair certainly would be a Pro Bowl choice, ahead of, let's say, Peyton Manning.
7
4
Miami Dolphins (9-6) They lost the contest in the first half, when the Vikings tried to hand them the game and they wouldn't take it. They are a different team playing the NFC, playing in a dome, playing on the road. Someday, maybe, they'll bring all the elements together, and then they'll be a team I can understand.
8
9
San Francisco 49ers (10-5) I heard a great case made for how terrific it would be for the Niners if Tampa Bay should drop its last game. San Francisco could slide up to the third seed, from No. 4, which would mean that in the first round of the playoffs it would face the second-best wild-card team, instead of the best one, which would mean that down the road, if the two top seeded teams got knocked off ... TWEET! The Flaming Redhead just blew the whistle on me. But I would really like to hear Steve Mariucci using the foregoing as a motivational tool, going into the finale against St. Louis.
9
11
Pittsburgh Steelers (9-5-1) How'd you like the way Warren Sapp rolled into the back of Tommy Maddox's legs Monday night? And the way the Tampa fans booed their own guy, when it was being shown on the Jumbotron? Or maybe they were booing the fact that Maddox was able to get up and walk away. You know how I feel about the crowd mentality.
10
15
New York Giants (9-6) This is a team with real energy, with juice. The offense? Yeah, Kerry Collins is on fire. But how about the way their defense shut down everything the Colts could offer (until garbage time at the end, of course)? I think that's what's going to happen against Philly Saturday. I think A.J. Feeley will be exposed, and you'll see turnovers and the Giants offense working on a short field. Final score: Giants 23, Eagles 17. I can't tell you how strongly I feel about this game.
11
7
New Orleans Saints (9-6) New York is ready to call N'Awlins a sister city, after the way the Saints tanked against Cincy. How about this scenario? The Eagles beat the Giants, who make the playoffs anyway because the Saints fall to Carolina. Don't laugh. Things like this happen around Christmas time.
12
10
Indianapolis Colts (9-6) Here's what I don't understand: First they tell us how the running game is the platform from which all of Peyton's play-action trickery is launched, then they send out a one-legged running back to carry the load. I mean, who's kidding whom?
13
14
Kansas City Chiefs (8-7) There are four different scenarios under which they can make the playoffs. Well, I hope one of them comes through for them, because they are a team with real heart. The postseason is a party to which all sorts of strange guests are invited. There are the "la la la, let's all dance under the mistletoe," teams that are just so happy to get in, and they're generally knocked off right away. Then there are the evil-eye teams that get in through the back door and on rare occasions go all the way. No one wants to play these teams. I wouldn't guess there are too many people eager to meet the Chiefs in the playoffs, particularly if Priest Holmes comes back.
14
17
New York Jets (8-7) I don't think many people would want to face the Jets, either. They have a baby quarterback who's smart beyond his years, two scary return men and a terrific receiver named Laveranues Coles that no one's ever heard of. But first they have to get in, you dig?
15
12
San Diego Chargers (8-7) They're leading the Chiefs by a point, they have 'em backed up on their own three-yard line with less than five and a half minutes left. The playoffs are riding on it. Facing them is a lineup than includes names such as Mike Cloud and Omar Easy and Marc Boerigter. Curtains, disaster for San Diego. A season that began 6-1 is now 8-7. No one knows what to make of this outfit. Me neither.
16
13
Denver Broncos (8-7) Oh, they might come dragging into the playoffs, but this is a worn-out, tired team that has shot its bolt. The signature moment was when Oakland crushed the Broncos with that all-running-play drive.
17
19
Cleveland Browns (8-7) I defy anyone to explain, in less than two long, terminally boring paragraphs, the contingencies involved in the Browns receiving an invitation to the postseason party. And besides, whose guests would they be? Who would admit inviting them, with their improper dinner dress, scuffy shoes and bleary eyes? Better they should stay home.
18
16
New England Patriots (8-7) Everything that has gone wrong -- the old, tiring defense, the vulnerability of the offensive line -- seemed to have crystallized into one aspect Sunday night, and that was the unsteadiness of the quarterback. He looked tired and confused. I saw him snapping at some of his teammates a few times. The close-up shots showed a person who looked a good deal older than his years. I know strange things happen, and wouldn't it just be hip-hop-dandy if Brady and his bunch bounce back in swell fashion against the Dolphins, and the Patriots wind up winning the division -- imagine -- and writers with nothing better to do start dusting off last year's Cinderella angle? Just can't see it with this team. An offseason overhaul would seem to make more sense.
19
18
Buffalo Bills (7-8) The offensive line has been exposed. The fourth overall choice in the draft was devoted to Mike Williams, their right tackle, and he's had a blah season. I wouldn't be surprised if they go back and aim for the O-line again. I know I would.
20
20
Baltimore Ravens (7-8) Are they really out of it now, for sure? Are there no more mathematical or geometric possibilities? Did last weekend actually serve to eliminate someone? Not that I have got anything against the Ravens, it's just that I've developed this tremendous eye-ache from endlessly staring at scenario charts.
21
21
Seattle Seahawks (6-9) Now we drop to Level 3 of the chart, those who were not alive last week, remain unalive, but make things interesting by reaching up from the grave and grabbing an unwary foot or ankle. The Seahawks have a chance to turn the lights out for San Diego, but since it's a late game, that occurrence probably will already have happened.
22
22
Jacksonville Jaguars (6-9) Tom Coughlin's a hard-working guy. I get tired of the endless speculation in print about his job. I know how I'd handle it if I were Tom. I'd say at one of my press conferences, "Well, I see Joe from the Gazette over there. Haven't broken a story in two months, have you, Joe? Got scooped twice last week. Your notes columns have nothing new, just a bunch of rehash from the Internet. What do you hear about your job, Joe? They gonna stick with you for a while?"
23
24
Minnesota Vikings (5-10) They're like an old warhorse that hears the bugle and its ears perk up and before you know it, it's off on a wild-assed cavalry charge -- sometimes down the wrong ravine, but what the hell, it's the smell of battle that counts. Well, the bugle sounded at halftime of the Dolphins game, and then it was like old times with Culpepper and Moss and the rest of the troopers. Now the sun is setting and only Detroit remains on the card, and it's time to head for the stables.
24
23
St. Louis Rams (6-9) I'm curious as to what the angle will be on Rams-Niners Monday night. I'll bet they'll be off the game and talking about turduckens or Hank Williams Jr.'s latest album or something before the first half is over.
25
25
Dallas Cowboys (5-10) Say there, chappies, if Jerry Jones had a"secret talk" with Bill Parcells, how come everybody found out about it? If Jones had wanted it to remain secret, he'd have done so. Which leads me to the very sneaky speculation that perhaps the news was leaked by the other party. And if so, to what purpose? How about to get the buzz going, for action's sake, to stir the pot, which has been a favorite modus operandi of the venerable Super Bowl coach. Boy, I wish I were on that scene. I'd run a counter-ploy. I'd break the following story: Flash -- Dave Campo yesterday had secret talks with officials at Columbia University in an effort to restore the Light Blue, and Dr.Z's alma mater, to its former glory.
26
26
Washington Redskins (6-9) Sorry but I won't put the Skins ahead of the Boys because too fresh in my memory is that emotional Dallas victory. Here's one: Rookie QB Patrick Ramsey was due to get a bundle if he were to take 50 percent of the snaps this year. He'll end up at something like 47 percent. Do you think that might have influenced his occasional benching in favor of Wuerffel or Matthews? Only a rat would think of stuff like that. And never once have I heard anyone admit that this common practice ever took place on a team.
27
27
Arizona Cardinals (5-10)
"Say something nice about the Cardinals," I ask the Flaming Redhead, who's from Phoenix. "They're the most beautiful birds that come around our yard," she says. Let's move on, OK?
28
28
Carolina Panthers (6-9) Fangs bared, they'll be ready to spoil the Saints' playoff hopes for good. If the Giants lose to Philly on Saturday, though, it won't matter. The Saints will be in, and they'll be mailing it in against Carolina, all of which would give John Fox's crew a W and a 7-9 mark on the season. Everything considered, that's a pretty good record, considering all the miseries that befell this team.
29
29
Chicago Bears (4-11) Are they really gonna send Chris Chandler out against the Bucs Sunday? The fans will be hollering "Stop the fight!" in the first round. C'mon, give us the matchup everyone wants -- Henry Burris against Shaun King.
30
30
Houston Texans (4-11) Well, now that the individual sack record has fallen, David Carr can go out and perform with flair and abandon. I wonder what would have happened if he'd have gone to a gypsy fortune-teller before the season and she would have told him, "You will set an all-time record."
31
31
Detroit Lions (3-12) Did you happen to notice Mike McMahon's stats from Sunday? They were 11-for-33 with three picks. I didn't think people could put up numbers like that anymore. Hang in, everyone. Only one more week, then the next voice we hear belongs to Chairman Ford.
32
32
Cincinnati Bengals (2-13) Well, I watched the highlight films of their Saints game, and all I saw was this big, heavy guy who looked like a guard in a back's number, kind of walking through the line, dragging people along with him. What an odd sight, I reasoned. The bloke's name was Nick Luchey, said in an offhand manner, as if we were supposed to know what they were talking about. Luchey? Luchey? Didn't ring a bell. Was this perhaps a Parks Department employee they'd suited up, as a special community project? I tried going through the Bengals' preseason press book. Nope, he wasn't listed. Then I looked at one of their current releases. Yes, he was listed as a squad member but not an active ballcarrier. Finally, and I am beholden to this AP story for clearing it up for me, the mystery was revealed. Nick Luchey is Nick Williams, their great big backup fullback from Miami, who changed his name at the beginning of the season. I guess I should have known this, but I'm weak on my Bengals lore.
