Mindless clichés drive me
nuts
Paul Zimmerman has covered the
NFL for Sports Illustrated since 1979. His exclusive online
column appears each
Friday.
Posted: Fri October 31,
1997
Someone asked me the other day how many games I manage to
see on a weekend. That's full games, complete, all charted
and annotated and filed away. The answer is at least eight,
and on some weekends nine. One game in the flesh and the
rest taped,
courtesy of three TVs, three VCRs, the satellite dish and one wife,
all laboring mightily for your faithful narrator. And then,
of course, there's the Monday night game, actually two this
week, which is kind of
recreational.
Then I was asked, "When does it start making you
crazy?" and the answer is around Wednesday afternoon,
when I'm finishing up with the last few. What makes me
crazy is the mindless repetition of clichés by the
announcers and so-called analysts.
The other day I caught one of those pregame interviews with
a coach, and before a word was uttered, my wife, who was
reading a book, launched into this
monologue:
"What we've got to do on offense is establish the
running game to keep the pressure off the quarterback and
we've got to get good yardage on first down to keep them
from teeing off in long yardage situations and on defense
we've got to mix things up and
keep them guessing and we've got to avoid turnovers
and..."
"How did you know all that?" I asked,
amazed.
"Isn't that what they all say?" she said.
"It never
changes."
No, it doesn't, and it's sad to listen to one of those
coach-turned-analyst guys treat this babble as if it were
wisdom. A year or two before, he was feeding people the
same lines—and laughing about it
afterward.
Here's one that gets me: "That's the matchup they
wanted, linebacker on running
back."
"If that's the case, then why not throw to a running
back on every play?" ex-Giants quarterback Phil Simms
says, "because that's the guy assigned to cover a
back. That's the way the defense is drawn up, unless it's
some kind of zone
switch-off."
Here's another : "They've got to score to take the
crowd out of it," which assumes that every crowd is so
fickle that it shuts up whenever its team falls
behind.
Or how about this: "Why not go for it on fourth down?
When you're 1-6 you've got nothing to lose." Pure fan
mentality. The answer is that you don't abandon the logical
principles of football because you happen to be 1-6. If you
do, you'll soon be
1-7.
I heard this one last weekend. (No, I won't tell you which
announcer said it because he's a friend.) A little guy
carried the ball on short yardage and he was stopped.
"Why not give it to the guy who's four inches
taller?" was the analysis. "He'd have a
better chance of making it." Which assumes that all you
have to do in short yardage is stretch out, full length.
Here's an
idea: Hire some unemployed NBA seven-footer and make him your
short-yardage back and tell him to just topple
over.
OK, we're getting silly at this point, but honestly, the
things you hear. Here's another one that bugs me: They
don't tell you who's on the field. They run the graphic in
the beginning, and never mind that different guys are in
the lineup later on, this
is the way it's set
up.
Seattle vs. Oakland last weekend. Terry McDaniel is
pictured as the Raiders' starting left cornerback. So on
the first play I see No. 20, Perry Carter, flash onto the
screen. Oh, they must be in a nickel, sez I. But wait a
minute, three linebackers are
on the field. Turns out that Carter started for the Pro
Bowler, McDaniel, who is currently in disfavor. A pretty
big story on the Coast, but was it ever mentioned in the
NBC telecast? It was
not.
Buffalo vs. Denver. Bills open with three wideouts, Broncos
counter with a nickel package that has the normal free
safety, Steve Atwater, playing the weakside linebacker,
with cornerback Darrien Gordon matched up against the slot
receiver, Eric Moulds.
Tim McKyer, the extra DB, is in for regular middle
linebacker Allen Aldridge on the right wing. I mean, I'm
not a genius but it was right there on the TV screen, in
plain view. One play later the graphic comes on showing
defensive starters. A regular 4-3
with Aldridge in the middle. At no time during the telecast
was this corrected, even though the Broncos stayed with
their nickel the whole
way.
You're not always lucky enough to pick this up without
running the tape back a million times. What absolutely
kills me is the directors' habit of holding the close-up on
the quarterback's head until after the ball is snapped and
the play has developed,
thereby giving you no look at the alignments before the snap.
There's no reason for it. All they have to do is get off
their close-up one count early, but they just won't do
it.
I mentioned this once to John Gonzalez, an NBC director. He
thought it over for a moment and said, "You're
absolutely right. I will never do that again." And he
never has. God bless him. If this were England, he'd be
knighted. Trouble is, there's only
one John
Gonzalez.
OK, enough whining. Let's get serious. And now, from the
man who brought you Arizona to beat Tennessee last week, we
present our roster of this week's
shoo-ins:
Oakland to upset
Carolina in Charlotte. Logic says the Raiders will take the day off
against an out-of-conference stranger on the road, but I
just don't think the Panthers have it all together. Billy
Joe Tolliver made a serious run at Carolina's defense last
weekend. Every
Raiders game tends to be a shootout these days and I don't think
the Panthers can match Oakland's
firepower.
Niners to beat
Dallas on the Coast, mainly because of the defense. I could be
wrong here. Six of San Francisco's seven wins have come
against the Three Stooges of the
NFC West—Atlanta, New Orleans and St. Louis—and the Niners'
offensive line is banged up. But with their
All-Pro DT Bryant Young out, I think they'll be forced into an
uncharacteristic blitz mode, and the Cowboys have trouble
with this kind of
heat.
Warren Moon, the NFL's hottest quarterback, to take one on
the chin in Denver. Seven of his eight games have been
played indoors. Mile High won't be a friendly place. The
Broncos kept their offense under wraps in the Rich Stadium
wind tunnel in Buffalo
last weekend, but
look for John Elway to have a big day against a Seahawks
defense that shows big
holes.
Blowout of the day: Packers over the
Lions. Wow, did I have Green Bay pegged wrong last week. Mike
Holmgren giving the Packers the week off got all the juices
flowing again. Why don't more coaches do
that?
Pittsburgh to upset the Chiefs in K.C. in the
Monday-nighter. Kordell Stewart made a believer out of me last Sunday,
and yes, he's come along a lot faster than I expected. I
don't think the Arrowhead madness will spook the
Steelers.
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