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Earthmoving discovery
Sports Illustrated senior writer John Garrity was a 42-year-old 8 handicapper when he suddenly lost his swing. Since December 1989 he has been looking for it -- a modern-day Odysseus adrift on the troubled waters of swing theory. As Garrity travels the world reporting on golf, he visits as many driving ranges as he can, avoiding the dreaded "mats only" ranges that prevent him from teeing it up. Wednesday, July 11 GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- Nothing beats a bulldozer for improving your lie -- or your target, for that matter. I drove out to the University of Florida Golf Course this morning to check out the renovation work and immediately fell in love with the new practice range. Yes, it's a big muddy field at present -- no grass, no mats, no flagsticks -- but architect Bobby Weed has given the space what it lacked before: clearly defined targets. Basically, he sent in the earthmovers and had them dig until four islands emerged. These islands, when their banks are shaped and softened, will become four double-backed greens surrounded by a sea of grass. In addition, Weed is putting in a bevy of putting, chipping and pitching greens and enough practice sand bunkers to make a Bedouin feel at home. When the range opens with the rest of the golf course in November, there will be a race to the tee line between me and the members of the NCAA champion Florida Gators men's golf team. Today, however, I had to settle for a quick bucket around sunset at the Gainesville Practice Center on Archer Road. It can be a pretty decent range when they move the ground-ropes to a fresh swath of grass, but this evening it was Divotsville -- sticky clay, mostly, with little patches of wispy grass. I had only three clubs (pitching wedge, 6-iron and 3-wood), so I made a game out of trying to hit the junked automobile parked at about 140 yards. It took me maybe 30 tries, but I finally nailed the car with a screaming low 6-iron. I have to remember to ask Weed if his plans for the UFGC range include a junked car. Sunday, July 15 ON AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT 54 TO MANCHESTER, England -- If you're old enough to remember those plate-spinning acts that Ed Sullivan had on his old variety show, you'll appreciate what I just went through. Those of us in Business Class were issued personal DVD players after takeoff, so I plugged the DC adapter into an outlet between the seats, hooked up the Bose noise-reducing headphones to the player, unfolded the tray table from my arm rest, worked the cables under the tray table, struggled to rebuckle my seat belt, balanced the player on the tray table, wrestled with the tangled headphone wires, put on the headphones ... and found myself like Gulliver amid the Lilliputians, helplessly bound by cords. Naturally, the flight attendants chose that very moment to show up with my dinner tray. I had to eat with my right hand while balancing the DVD player on my left elbow. The movie I watch, "State and Main," was a literate, engaging comedy about a New England town chosen as the location for a Hollywood film. It stars William H. Macy as the fictional director, Alec Baldwin and Sarah Jessica Parker as the lead actors and Philip Seymour Hoffman as the tortured screenwriter. It suddenly dawns on me that these were all performers suggested for casting in my recent Driving-Range TV Series contest. Which, it also dawns on me, I have not yet judged. And so, as darkness envelopes our aircraft and the renegade arms dealer in the next seat falls into an untroubled slumber, I will now choose from some terrific entries. I really like "The Ryder Cup Range Wars," by Steve Duke of Hornchurch, England, in which "floppy-haired Phil Mickelson is portrayed by floppy-haired Hugh Grant, while Harrison Ford IS Nick Faldo. " (I am particularly taken by Duke's casting of Dustin Hoffman in the role of Ryder Cup captain Hale Irwin. ) But I also lean toward the entry from Joe Poulas of Vernon, N.J., who pitches a Mafia driving-range series starring James Gandolfini, Robert DeNiro, and Matt LeBlanc as Eddie "No Slice" Santini. (Gandolfini plays "a larger-than-life range owner who is making a move to position himself as the leading swing guru in Myrtle Beach.") And I'm still attached to a submission from a few weeks back, David McLean's noirish Jenifer Lopez-Mark Wahlberg vehicle about a range attendant (Steve Buscemi) who hires a homosexual hit man to rub out a teaching pro (Vince Vaughn) . How to choose, how to choose? Okay, the winner is (drum roll, please) ... David McLean of Fairfax, Va.! E-mail me your address, David, and I'll send you the prize, a copy of "You're an Over the Hill Golfer When ..." (I'll even throw in a copy of the lavishly illustrated "Best Athletes of the 20th Century," by John Garrity and Tim Crothers. ) In addition, in the spirit of long-drive contests, I have a sleeve of balls for the longest entry, which was submitted by Brian Dusek of College Station, Texas. Brian's Tolstoyian treatment, hyped as "the greatest golf movie ever imagined," stars Edward Norton as Bobby Confidence, "the lovable lead who has all the tools to be a great golfer but has a massive case of self-doubt." On second thought, instead of the balls I think I'll just send Brian a massive case of self-doubt. Watch this space for another installment of Mats Only. To send John Garrity
advice, share your experiences, or suggest a driving range, click here.
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